Bachelorette 2014 Hometown Dates Recap: Plows, Pints, and Polka Dancing
Credit: ABC/Matthew Putney    

The Bachelorette

Bachelorette 2014 Hometown Dates Recap: Plows, Pints, and Polka Dancing

Bachelorette Andi Dorfman has spent the past two months of her life wandering the world like some kind of nomadic drifter while herding a flock of man-sheep, and guys? The time has come for her to re-enter society — a traumatizing process that’s only made worse by the fact that she was literally dropped off and left for dead in the middle of a cornfield.

Why? Because Andi visited the hometowns of her four remaining boyfriends this week (aka Josh Murray, Nick Viall, Chris Soules and Marcus Grodd), where she was forced to partake in small town festivities like polka dancing and beer-drinking. And unless "beer" is code for Franzia, we have some serious concerns. Also, it should be known that when we say "small town," we're mostly referring to the weird sea of undulating hay-bales that farmer Chris calls home.

Anyway, not only did Andi have to pretend like she'd ever consider living in Iowa or Milwaukee (LOLing forever), she had to meet her boyfriends' families, most of whom will likely act like they are totally cool with their sons becoming sister-husbands. Every parent's dream!

Hometown Date: Nick Viall

Bachelorette 2014 Hometown Dates Recap: Plows, Pints, and Polka Dancing
Credit: ABC/John O'Hara    

Do you ever wake up from your Chris Harrison themed nightmares and think "you know what would make this better? Footage of Andi and Nick polka dancing." Well, today is your lucky day. Not only did Nick force Andi to do the polka at some rando Milwaukee tavern, he tried to get her drunk at a local brewery. Whatever, Nick. Andi's bodily fluids are made up of 90% white wine and 10% tears. She knows how to handle a couple cold ones.

What this poor innocent lamb didn't know how to handle was Nick's gigantic family. Turns out Nick has 10 siblings, all of whom totally had their judgement faces on when Andi made her appearance into their tribe. In fact, some random 9-year-old Miley Cyrus lookalike grilled Andi about whether she loves Nick and it's like, STEP TO THE LEFT, SMALL CHILD. Also, let's hope Nick doesn't take after his parents, because Andi's lady parts will never be the same.

The good news is that Nick's freakishly enormous clan accepted Andi, but the bad news is that he held off on declaring his love. Which may be a blessing in disguise 'cause we're pretty sure he's secretly trying to lure Andi into a Wisconsin-y cult.

Hometown Date: Chris Soules

Bachelorette 2014 Hometown Dates Recap: Plows, Pints, and Polka Dancing
Credit: ABC/Matthew Putney    

BREAKING NEWS: Chris Soules lives in some backwoods town in Iowa with a population of 758. That's less people than Andi dated at the start of this season. And did you see the look on the girl's face when she was plopped down in the middle of nowhere to experience life as a farmer's wife? It's the same look we get when Chris Harrison pops up out of a rose bush when no one's expecting it: sheer horror. Anyway, poor Andi tried to make the best of her date with Chris, which included some corn frolicking, a romantic corn-themed tractor ride, and a heavy makeout session in the middle of a cornfield. Basically, there was corn everywhere, yet nary a corn-dog in sight. However, the lack of civilization was slightly made up for by the fact that Chris hired a plane to spell out "Chris Loves Andi" in the air. Cute!

In other news, if you're wondering how Andi's hang session with Chris's family went, all you really need to know is that they discussed Chris's farting habit over dinner. And the sentence "there's no limits for a woman on a farm" was uttered. And also everyone played hide-and-seek, because that's a totally normal thing to do with your future in-laws! This is what happens when you live on a farm and your best friend is your six-pack, guys.

Hometown Date: Josh Murray

Bachelorette 2014 Hometown Dates Recap: Plows, Pints, and Polka Dancing
Credit: ABC/Marc Edwards    

Despite the fact that Josh lives in Atlanta, his Hometown Date took place in Florida, a land full of people who super-duper love sports. So, what did Andi and Josh get up to? Like we said, sports. They played sports, they talked about sports, spat out peanuts in a sporty way — they were basically oozing sports out of all their orifices. But wait — there's trouble in pectoral paradise! Sure, Andi loves the fact that Josh is all about ball play (haha, get it? you're welcome), but what if he's too sporty? What if sports are ruining his life?

You see, Josh has a lot of feelings about the fact that he gave up professional baseball, and to make matters worse, his little brother might be (and now is, BTW) drafted into the NFL. It's like, how much can one person and his collection of blouses take?

Unfortunately, Josh's family seemed weirdly obsessed his brother's NFL career throughout the entire meeting, and we left this date slightly worried that Josh cares more about his brosef than he does about Andi. But it's cool 'cause Josh let a puppy make out with his ear, so we now consider him the perfect man.

Hometown Date: Marcus Grodd

Bachelorette 2014 Hometown Dates Recap: Plows, Pints, and Polka Dancing
Credit: ABC/Bill Matlock    

Things Marcus did with Andi during his Hometown Date in Dallas: some kissing, some hand holding, and — ah, yes — some casual stripping. Yep, Marcus decided that the best way to win Andi's heart was by giving her a striptease in a dank club. He also decided he should throw a thong in her general direction and dress up as a sexy marine… again. Because, yes, Marcus has stripped in front of Andi before. We're starting to think he has some sort of fetish. We're so sorry, US Navy, you don't deserve this.

Naturally, Marcus followed up the sexually questionable part of his date with a wholesome visit to his family, who absolutely loved Andi and dished all kinds of words of wisdom her way. But did Andi love them back? Head down to the eliminations to find out, but — spoiler alert — she didn't.

This week, Andi and her remaining contestants learned the tragic news of Eric Hill's death in a paragliding accident. Though the moment wasn't "dramatic," it was deeply emotional and directly affected Andi's ability to go on with the show. This girl was in tears throughout The Rose Ceremony, her contestants were crying all over the place, and even Chris Harrison couldn't keep it together. We'll miss Eric, and will continue to honor his adventurous spirit.

After having to watch Marcus strip for the second time in one season, we're surprised Andi didn't eliminate her own eyeballs by gouging them out. Instead, she kicked Marcus to the curb, which was extremely (un)surprising.

It's time for The Fantasy Suites, y'all! A special episode wherein Andi's boyfrands get the keys to her castle. All you need to know is that Andi might get frisky with three dudes in the space of one week. Lots will happen in the Dominican Republic, so make sure to tune in Monday, July 14!