God's gift to mankind, Farrah Abraham, recently wrote an erotic novel titled Celebrity Sex Tape: In The Making, and the time has come for us to hold internet hands and read it. We know, we know, it's a daunting task that will doubtless cause us to dry-heave into our bag of cheetos, but we'll get through it together.

Credit: Celebrity Sex Tape: In The Making

Luckily, the folks at The Frisky took it upon themselves to transcribe a few gems from Farrah's totally not autobiographical novel (starring her alter-ego, Fallon Opal), and we've rounded up three highlights for your reading pleasure. Also, it goes without saying that these excerpts are X-rated and completely not safe for work, let alone life.

Excerpt 1 — In Which Fallon Opal Throws Shade at James Deen (Er, Jimmy Heinz)

I’d certainly woken up and realized that Jimmy Heinz wasn’t who I’d wanted him to be. He was a thirty-sex-year-old porn star, who tried to do things outside of porn but would only ever be known for the use of his dick. He wasn’t my Prince Charming. He wasn’t even really stable, but he would be my on-screen heartthrob.

Excerpt 2 — In Which Fallon Opal Gets Her Period and We Lose Our Will to Live

“It needs to be in farther,” Kanity said. I was about to tell her to mind her own damn business when she put her hand between my legs and pushed the freaking sponge up. Her fingers slid into my p—y and for a split second I couldn’t even think.

Excerpt 3 — In Which Fallon Is a Sex Warrior

I felt some pain but I was a sex warrior and I moaned louder to get Jimmy more aroused. The last concern I had faded away, and my body felt like it went into shock. I knew I probably shouldn’t have been tricking myself into not feeling pain, what with my period and incisions. What sex-fiend fantasy was I trying to fool everyone with?

Are you still with us? Or are you currently curled up in the fetal position trying to get these mental images out of your mind? Either way, Farrah has a lot to be proud of. Head over to The Frisky for more excerpts of her amazing erotic novel — if you dare!

Source: The Frisky