Bachelor 2014 Finale Recap: Juan Pablo Galavis Eliminates Clare, Picks Nikki!
Credit: Rick Rowell/BC Television Group © 2014 Disney    

The Bachelor

Bachelor 2014 Finale Recap: Juan Pablo Galavis Eliminates Clare, Picks Nikki!

Give yourselves a round of applause, guys. You did it. You made it through The Bachelor without flinging yourself off a building which, as we all know, is one of the most romantic ways to almost die. Tonight's three gazillion hour finale was all kinds of dramatic, mostly because our tender-hearted and often-confused El Bachelor was faced with the daunting task of deciding whether sow his Latin oats in Nikki Ferrell or Clare Crawley. UGH, HIS LIFE IS SO HARD.

As is the case during every single season of The Bachelor, Juan Pablo Galavis had one final chance to get to know his lady friends on the island of St. Lucia before deciding on his chosen one. But did Juan Pablo pop the question to the lucky lady in question, or did he end this season being all "I hate all y'all," simultaneously wasting his time, Nikki and Clare's time, and most of all, our time? Well, it was a mixed bag...

Read on to find out and at the risk of sounding overly-dramatic you should probably inflate your blow-up boyfriend just in case you need someone to be the big spoon to your little spoon as you weep yourself to sleep tonight.

Juan Pablo Breaks Up With...

Bachelor 2014 Finale Recap: Juan Pablo Galavis Eliminates Clare, Picks Nikki!
Credit: Rick Rowell / ABC    

Remember back in the days of yore when Juan Pablo jubilantly skipped through the streets of Bachelor Nation like a flaw-free HBIC? He was truly livin' la vida loca. Unfortunately, times have changed. Now Juan Pablo has the weight of the world on his shoulders, all thanks to the fact that he had to break up with Clare Crawley. Did "swimming in the ocean" mean nothing to you, Juan Pablo? We thought all those innocent sea animals sacrificed their eyeballs in the name of love, BUT APPARENTLY WE WERE WRONG.

So, how did Juan Pablo and Clare's breakup go down? Juan Pablo simply apologized for leading her on and tenderly explained that she wasn't right for him. No, wait! That totally didn't happen. Instead, Juan Pablo had Clare do a meet n' greet with his family (who kinda-sorta warned her not to date him), and then was just like "here step into this helicopter ride of doom." And guys? What followed was truly shocking. Not only did Juan Pablo say some deeply insulting and objectifying things to Clare during an intimate moment in which their microphones were off (click here to find out his exact words), he told Clare that they didn't know each other well enough.

Obviously, Juanny's behavior lead to Clare having an emotional meltdown all up in St. Lucia (the Caribbean is literally soiled with the tears of rejected bachelorettes), but she held her head high and confronted Juan Pablo about his cutting words. As usual he was extremely defensive and dismissive, but somehow still tried to convince Clare that he cared about her. So much so that she slipped into a fancy dress and met him for what she hoped would be a proposal. Yeah, not so much Juan Pablo rejected Clare like she was yesterday's news, and she in turn scolded him for being a total jerk, saying "I would never want my children having a father like you."

Yikes. All we know is that Juan Pablo should watch his back, because one day, when he least expects it, girlfriend will show up and get her revenge possibly under the guise of someone named Emily Thorne. OMG, ABC crossover alert!

The Proposal (Or Lack Thereof)

Bachelor 2014 Finale Recap: Juan Pablo Galavis Eliminates Clare, Picks Nikki!
Credit: Rick Rowell / ABC    

So, now that Clare has been shoved in an airplane and left to drown in her own tears, it's time to talk about Juan Pablo's romantic proposal to Nikki! And we use the word "proposal" loosely mostly because this dude definitely didn't pop the question. You guessed it, despite spending more than two dozen hours of our life watching Juan Pablo find a wife, he decided that WHOOPS! He actually isn't into getting married at least not yet. Now, you'd think Juan Pablo would have figured this out before applying to be on ABC's The Bachelor, but the complicated process of "thinking" takes his brain cells an extra long amount of time, so we can't really blame the guy.

So, what happened between Juan Pablo and Nikki? They had a great final day in St. Lucia, frolicked on a lovely boat, frolicked some more on a beach, and Nikki sat down for a bonding session with Juanny's family (shout out to our favorite pre-teen Rodolfo and his clear braces)! She even gave Juan a beautiful handwritten note and once again declared her love. However, Juanny decided he just wasn't ready to commit despite picking out a ring for Nikki, crushing our hearts into a million pieces in the process. But what did this mean for Nikki? Basically she had to get all dolled up in a gown, wander to some decorative altar that Chris Harrison crafted out of baskets and palm fronds, and listen to Juan Pablo say that he "liked her a lot" but not enough to marry her. That's just what every girl who goes on television to find a husband wants to hear!

Of course, the real concern is whether Nikki and Juan Pablo are still together circa right now? That's a question for the LIVE After the Final Rose special, but head over here to find out more!

Clare rips Juan Pablo: "Don't tell me you love f—ing me!"