Game of Thrones has an absurd number of characters in a lot of different places, and it can be quite a chore keeping track of everyone. Since there’s no new episode this Sunday due to Memorial Day, it seems like a good time to catch up on where everyone is and where they’re headed.

In King’s Landing, King Joffrey still sits the Iron Throne, much to everyone’s chagrin. He may be getting some company soon in Margaery Tyrell, as talk of a royal wedding is ramping up. Margaery seemed to be keeping Joffrey in check for most of the season, but he’s had a return to form of sorts in recent episodes; killing Ros with his crossbow and then threatening to rape Sansa Stark at her wedding. That’s the Joffrey we know and hate! Joffrey seems to have also finally figured out that his grandfather Tywin is the one who is actually running the kingdom, so he told his Hand he would like to be more involved. Tywin basically told him “I got this,” since Joffrey knows basically as much as Jon Snow, i.e., NOTHING.

Elsewhere in the royal family, Joffrey’s dear mother Cersei continues to hate on Margaery. She has moved on from making passive aggressive remarks about the future queen’s wardrobe and orphan hugging to openly threatening to have Margaery strangled in her sleep (a super specific threat). Way to tip your hand, Cers. The change of strategy may be because Cersei is angry about her impending nuptials to Margaery’s brother Loras, or it could just be that Cersei likes threatening people. We’re starting to see where Joff gets it from.

The least sadistic Lannister, Tyrion, has just married 14-year-old Sansa Stark. Now, before you start writing angry letters to HBO, we should tell you that Tyrion is refusing to consummate the marriage until Sansa wants to share his bed... which is probably never, thankfully. Tyrion also got so wasted at the ceremony (we assume the Lannisters had an open bar) that he threatened to cut off the king’s manhood. He unfortunately made no mention of feeding it to the goats, though. Tyrion has been just a little upset with Joffrey since he found out that Joff tried to have him killed, and we doubt this little stunt did anything to repair his relationship with his nephew.  

Jaime Lannister continues his evolution of becoming a good guy since losing his hand; his most recent stunt was when he jumped into a bear pit to rescue Brienne. She, meanwhile, has started calling him “Ser Jaime” instead of “Kingslayer,” at which point you could practically see his heart melting. The two of them are now on their way to King’s Landing, and it should be quite the reunion when they arrive: “Hey Brienne, remember that time we took a bath together and for the first time in my life I told someone the truth about King Aerys?!” We don’t think Cersei will even wait until Brienne is asleep to strangle her.

Getting away from the Lannister clan now, Theon Greyjoy continues to be horrifically tortured by his mystery sadist. If you thought having his feet screwed into a wooden plank or having his pinky flayed were bad, now he finds himself missing a penis. It took a long time, but we’re finally going to call it here: we feel bad for Theon.

In the North, things seem to be looking up for Robb Stark. It had been a rough couple of weeks after Robb lost half his men after executing Rickard Karstark, but now he has a baby on the way! And his uncle is getting married to the Frey girl Robb was supposed to marry! So Robb should be gaining Frey’s army to replace the men he lost! All this seems great for Robb, but is that “The Rains of Castamere” we hear playing in the distance?

Bran Stark hasn’t done a whole lot lately, other than learn from his new pal Jojen Reed that he’s a warg, meaning he can enter the consciousness of an animal. Bran also has “the sight” (as does Jojen) which allows him to see the future, past, and present in dreams. We’re still waiting to hear which of Bran’s special powers enabled him to grow about 8 inches in a matter of days.

Everyone’s favorite Stark (sorry Jon), Arya, has a new partner in crime in The Hound, making them the latest in Game of Thrones’ long line of fantastically odd pairings. Arya has made no secret of her hatred for The Hound, and has already tried to kill him, but The Hound actually told her he plans on reuniting her with her family in Riverrun. Similar to Jaime, The Hound is another character seemingly transforming into a (relatively) good guy before our eyes, so it probably behooves Arya to put her revenge tour on hold... at least until they get to Riverrun.

North of the Wall, Jon Snow has finally lost his “maidenhood” to feisty wildling Ygritte as he continues to try and gain the trust of Mance Rayder and the other Free Folk. He’s convinced almost everyone that he’s turned native, save for Orell the warg and Ygritte. The latter told Jon that his secret’s safe, just so long as he never betrays her. He hasn’t yet, but he may be tested soon, as they are about to scope out the headquarters of the Night’s Watch.

Speaking of the Night’s Watch, they are in shambles after some of their less than savory members staged a coup d’etat and murdered Lord Commander Mormont. Sam managed to escape with his crush Gilly and her son, but then they ran into a White Walker in the woods. Remember that dragonglass dagger Sam found? The one that “doesn’t do anything?” Well, turns out it kills White Walkers. Sam used it to shatter one like ice, probably making him the only person on the planet who knows the White Walkers’ weakness, so hopefully he can get to some other people soon and tell them. Just one minor problem though: after Sam killed the White Walker, HE LEFT THE DRAGONGLASS BEHIND! Oh Sam, you were doing so well!

Credit: HBO

On Dragonstone, Stannis Baratheon has released his buddy Davos from prison so Melisandre can prove the power of the Lord of Light to him (apparently birthing a shadow baby wasn’t enough). Mel has taken Gendry, and she plans on sacrificing him for his king’s blood, but before that she throws a few leeches on him to get a sample. Stannis tosses the leeches into a fire, claiming they’re for the “usurpers” Joffrey, Robb, and Balon Greyjoy (Theon’s pop, apparently still causing problems). If king’s blood really does have power as Mel claims (it probably does), then Stannis might have three fewer rivals in the near future... Or, at least, that's the idea.

Finally, across the narrow sea, we have Daenerys. She’s looking more like a force to be reckoned with each passing week. Her dragons wiped out the city of Astapor, she gained an army of 8,000 Unsullied warriors, and now she also has the 2,000 sellswords of the Second Sons army at her disposal. The latter are led by Daario Naharis, who may also be a new love interest for Khaleesi. Will Dany soon have a new “sun and stars?”

Phew. That’s a lot going on, but we only have two more episodes of brutality, betrayals, and bare butts before it’s all said and done... at which point we all start counting down to Season 4.

Are you enjoying Season 3 so far? Sound off in the comments!

Catch the next episode of Game of Thrones on Sunday, June 2, 2013 at 9 p.m. ET/PT on HBO.

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