Update: Gary Shirley Is NOT Married
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Teen Mom

Update: Gary Shirley Is NOT Married

Ladies, you can take off that little black dress and come out of mourning, because there's a light at the end of the tunnel. We've been drowning in a puddle of tears and Cheez Whiz since news broke that Teen Mom's Gary Shirley had found himself a wife — but false alarm dear Women Who Want to Marry Gary. This dude isn't tied down. At least not yet.

Gary had Teen Mom fans clutching their pearls and shouting "why God WHY?" when he took to Twitter on July 17 with the musing, "Just bought the wife new coach shoes x2 pairs!" Like, seriously, so much pearl-clutching, so little time.

Naturally, everyone was quick to assume that Gary had secretly gotten hitched in some organic, natural foods ceremony where everyone one ate fresh watermelon hand-grown by the man himself, but not so much.

"Just to clarify I'm not married!" Gary explained on August 6. "Lol sometimes I just call the girlfriend wife!!" Oh. Because that's a totally normal term of endearment for a non-married couple, right guys?

All we know is that we're super relieved that Gary isn't officially off the market, and this is probably as good a time as any to point out that he's been spending tons of time with Amber Portwood lately. Do with that information what you will...