It’s our recap of another magical Glee finale — Season 4, Episode 22: "All or Nothing" — which involved a proposal, a wedding, a break-up, and an awful lot of weird cheese. So grab your refrigerated placenta, spit out your gum, and crank up the Michael Bolton!
The Bling Ring
Brittany channels her inner Good Will Hunting by botching her MIT math test but scribbles down the “Brittany code." This all adds up to Brit heading to Boston. (Get it — “adds up”? Because it’s a math test? Okay, we’ll admit it — that’s the most complicated math jargon we know.)
We get a very quick glimpse at Rachel this week, as she performs her Celine Dion song to a tepid judge response at her callback. And then... that’s it. No more Rachel for the rest of the episode. [Insert us making a pouty face here.] We hope you like your gratification to be of the delayed variety, since we won’t know the callback result until next season.
Blaine informs Sam that he’ll be proposing to Kurt, which causes us to squeal at such a high decibel that we shatter all nearby crystal stemware. Seriously — there’s a lot of broken glass; we own a lot of crystal stemware. Sadly, Sam isn’t nearly as overjoyed as we are.
But that offer to be Blaine’s best man must have gotten to Sam, as he surprises Tina and Blaine when they’re shopping for Blaine’s engagement ring. By the way, we’re thinking Sam will have a pretty easy time planning the bachelor party, since he can just hire himself as the stripper. And how cute was the jewelry clerk’s proposal to her partner?
When a Man Loves a Sue Sylvester
Brittany’s rash behavior is worrying just about everyone, since she’s making wild demands and even — sorry, Bram fans! — dumping Sam out of nowhere. Sue and Schue try to figure out Brittany’s deal, but all this leads to is Brittany uncovering that Sue’s baby daddy is (drumroll) Michael Bolton. We’re guessing Sue is not a big fan of Office Space.
Ryder has had it up to here (imagine us putting our hand really high in the air) with being Catfished, so he goes on a tirade, leading to — gasp! — Marley confessing. However, it turns out that — un-gasp! — Unique is actually the Catfish, as she feels closer to Ryder than she has to anyone. Ryder then vows to never speak to her again. Harsh.
Oh, and we’re trying not to say “We told you so” regarding our accurate prediction of the Catfish identity, but we all know that we’re not that mature. Then again, Unique being the Catfish really wasn’t that shocking.
Brittana Just Hugged... Air! We Need Air!
After Sam’s concerned call to Santana about Brittany, she makes an impromptu visit (those are some quick trains!) for “Fondue for Two.” Brit finally reveals to Santana in private — and later to the whole group — that she got early acceptance into MIT and will leave immediately. How you like them apples?
It’s time for Regionals, and as Hoosier Daddies performs — nice job, Jessica Sanchez! — Ryder lets Schue know he’s bailing on glee club after this year. But he still joins New Directions on stage as they rock the house... and bring home the trophy! Look out, L.A. — here come our kids!
To celebrate their win, Emma surprises Schue with a surprise choir-room wedding — meaning this ne’er-do-well couple finally ties the knot.
However, the moment we were all waiting for — Blaine proposing to Kurt, Kurt saying yes, and the two of them driving away in a car with empty cans tied to the back — never happened, as the episode ends with Blaine hiding his engagement ring. Will he propose next season? We hope so, although we’ll have to invest in even more stemware if he does.
Our Favorite Scene of the Night
So the episode’s two major cliffhangers might have left us clamoring for more, but what we did get to see this week was nothing short of amazing! We can’t wait for how the Ryder-Unique relationship develops — hooray for their hug at the end! — and we really want to see Rachel starring in a Broadway show. Make it happen, Glee!
For our “Favorite Scene of the Night” Award, we of course go with Brittany and Santana’s goodbye scenes — first in front of the group, and then just the two of them sharing a moment. We’re basically irate that they seem to be splitting up, but their time together this week reminds us just how amazing they still are together. We think there’s still hope. We hope.
For our runner-up scene, we’ll choose Blaine being joined by Sam as he tells his jewelry clerk friend that Kurt is his soul mate. But we also loved Wemma’s wedding, and we could basically watch “Fondue for Two” all day long.
What we’re trying to say: If you ask us, the last batch of Season 4 episodes following the show’s recent spring hiatus were superb and a total return to form. We’ve loved the new characters, we love the New York stuff even more, and we can’t wait to see where everyone ends up next year! But why do we have to wait so long for new episodes? Not cool.
In the meantime, we’ll be randomly scraping gum off people’s shoes, just in case it helps us find love. You never know.