Tonight’s Glee episode brings up the age-old question: Which is better  sex or cronuts? The world may never know. In Season 5, Episode 16: “Tested,” we learn that one Glee guy is a two-timer, while another one is about to be keeping it in his pants for a long time. It’s time for our recap, so grab your antibiotics, and let’s get started.

A Fling and a Prayer

Will we ever complain about there being more of Blaine to love? Not a chance. However, the guy has certainly transformed a bit from the chiseled abs he had in the “sexy Santa”-themed calendar photo shoot last season. Meanwhile, Kurt has started doing push-ups on his floor, prison-style. We almost expected to see the newly buff guy start tunneling out of his apartment with a rock hammer, a la Shawshank Redemption.

We love that Samcedes officially started dating last week, but we’re having serious doubts as to whether the two can stand the test of time. Yes, Sam seems willing to respect Mercedes’s wish to wait on sex for now, but we’re not sure if we see him holding out for too long. Frankly, we’re just relieved that Sam didn’t burn the apartment to the ground with all those candles.

The Fire Is Burning — and So Is Artie’s Urine

On the contrary, Artie is having something of a champagne problem, as he is getting too much sex. But he has also contracted chlamydia — use condoms, dude! — from one of his two film school floozies paramours. When he tells his dream girl, Julie, that his STD is the reason he was freaking out on their date, she dumps him for being willing to slum it with The Girl Who Eats Dirt. But who among us hasn’t hit a slump and resorted to dating someone who eats dirt? Uh, right?

Kurt confronts Blaine about his poor eating habits, but things get worse when he finds Blaine’s porn stash. Blaine admits to feeling inferior to his bulked-up boyfriend and is worried he’ll leave him someday. Kurt assures him that this is crazy talk, but we’re still worried that this might be foreshadowing. Translation: Stop beating around the bush and give us that Klaine wedding already, Glee!

Our Favorite Scene of the Week

There was lots of sex talk this week, and that’s never a bad thing. Plus, the show managed to avoid getting too preachy. We’re also really loving how the four guys are becoming so close - and we’re loving Rachcedes. That said, Santana really needs to get back into the mix soon. Can you imagine how many great quips she would have had about Mercedes still retaining her v-card? Oh, the missed opportunities.

This week’s episode didn’t have an obvious “top scene” in the way that, say, last week’s did with Kurt and Burt. Most of this week’s memorable scenes had a foreboding undertone.  But we’re going with Rachel talking about dating again as our “Favorite Scene of the Week,” just because it’s great to see how strong she is. And it’s interesting to hear why she was attracted to Sam for a millisecond.

Our runner-up scene is Klaine’s reconciliation, even though we’re not feeling particularly sold on those two not having more issues in the near future. Meanwhile, third place is going to seeing the boys in sailor suits in the episode’s opening scene. Because duh. And seeing Artie in the STD suit was hilarious as well.

This episode was a bit light on Rachel for our tastes, but that will definitely change next week with her opening night. We also hope to see more of Julie this season, since she’s a cute match for Artie. And now, if anyone needs us, we definitely won’t be going on a date with someone who eats dirt. Nope, definitely won’t be doing that. Please stop looking at us like that.

What did you think of the episode? Let us know in the comments section!