Silver bells? More like wedding bells on tonight’s blast of a holiday Glee episode. We saw the glorious return of Rory (can he be our guardian angel?), a shocking wedding, and plenty of blissful holiday tunes. Then again, we also heard the two most dreaded words that we could ever imagine: “Who’s Blaine?” (NOOOOO!!!)
So put on your Jesse Tyler Fergusen costume, grab a luxury toothpick, and stop texting Indiana Jones! It’s time to for the recap, which is what they call it when someone recaps the episode — it’s a technical term.
Our first vignette in “Glee, Actually,” centers on Artie’s black-and-white alternate reality in which he can walk, there’s no glee club, and Kurt never met the world’s cutest bow-tie aficionado. (We're talking about Blaine, of course — didn't mean to get your hopes up, bow-tie-wearing guy on the Pringles can.)
But the most shocking twist is that Quinn got into a non-Finchel-related car crash and eventually died from it! What kind of messed-up holiday episode is this? Long story short: Artie, you remember your old friend, the chair, right?
Next up, Kurt thinks he’s stuck in NYC alone when who should show up but his dad Burt (!), who’s carrying a Christmas tree so puny that even Charlie Brown would snicker at. Burt manages to stay upbeat when mentioning that he has the c-word (no, not "crayons" — different c-word, since it would actually be really cool if he had crayons).
But Burt has a good surprise, too: It’s Blaine on ice skates, so that he and Kurt can sing their annual duet (such a good duet this year!) and vow to stay friends.
Blaine later tells Burt and Kurt that he’ll be applying for NYADA, which Kurt decides is a great idea — and so do we! However, Blaine might not want to wear gold lamé pants to his audition — just a thought. And by the way, we’re now going to be depressed if Darren Criss isn’t waiting for us under our tree this year. Very depressed.
Thirdly, Jake joins Puck in Cali, although instead of taking L.A. by storm, Puck is squatting in the home of a pool-cleaning customer and trying to get someone to notice his script which sounds basically like Star Wars: The High School Years. (“Luke, I am your father career guidance counselor. You really need more extracurriculars if you want to get into Tatooine State.”)
So Puck spends the holiday with Jake and their two moms at Breadstix (perhaps lasagna is the new Chinese food?), where the boys get the feuding moms to make nice. Suddenly, Puck has decided to move back to Lima and hone his craft as a wordsmith. And we’re not complaining, since Puck and Jake have quite the cute bromance going. (Who would have guessed that Surly Jake would have so many cute bromances?)
The fourth story is definitely that wackiest, with Brittany and Sam worried that the end is nigh, so they spend all their money, tell all their friends to suck it, and have Beiste officiate a Mayan wedding. Sorry — come again?
That’s right: Sam actually proposes, although the two realize that the world hasn’t ended and, uh, they weren’t really married. May this be a lesson to you: Always read the fine print. And it's worth mentioning that, for every Brittana fan out there, this storyline felt like it was the end of the world.
And finally, the most heartfelt storyline was saved for last, as Sue realizes that Marley and her mom are struggling to have a memorable Christmas, so Sue breaks into their house (at least that part sounds like Sue) to give them a tree, presents, and cash. Sue has come a long way from dressing as the Grinch and stealing from charities, right?
So which was our favorite vignette of the night? That’s like asking which is our favorite type of Christmas candy — it’s too hard to choose! (Okay, fine — candy canes are gross, but all the other types of candy are good.)
We loved Kurt and Burt’s vignette because we got to see “Klaine On Ice” (which is way better than “Disney On Ice”), plus Burt is amazing in every scene he’s in. But we’ll say that our favorite vignette was the Artie one, since it was so much fun to see Rory (come back, Rory!) and the alternate universe. For example: Finn’s a bro! Becky’s a slut! Terri’s a nutjob! (Oh, wait — that Terri one is the same as in the real world.)
As for our “Favorite Scene of the Week,” we loved seeing the Puckerman boys bond, and Marley and her mom were adorbs. Still, there’s no way we’re not going with Klaine On Ice as the best scene. Those two could melt our hearts and the rink.
And how did we feel about the episode as a whole? Well, it was a bit on the frothy side, but that's what we've come to look forward to in a good Glee holiday episode. Who doesn’t love some good froth? Plus, we loved this year's about a billion times more than last year’s Christmas episode, so kudos to the show for that!
While we loved that Klaine seem to be getting closer together, we must say that the Bram wedding — though fun — was a bit ridiculous. Like, why didn’t Brittana ever get a marriage scene? No offense to Bram, but Brittana’s wedding would have been ridiculously awesome.
All in all, though, this fun episode was a perfect way to end 2012 for Glee, as we’re so excited for so many various storylines that will be picked up in January. In the meantime, if you want to get us a present this year, you should know that the only two words on our Christmas list this are the words "Darren" and "Criss." So you've got your work cut out for you.