Was Glee Season 4, Episode 14: “I Do" the best Glee episode ever? It just might have been! Then again, that may depend on whether you like it when Glee episodes BLOW YOUR FREAKING MIND. Because there’s no doubt this was the craziest, most shocking, most-likely-to-make-you-grab-the-couch-and-hang-on-for-dear-life episode.
And it might have been the best episode ever, too.
In fact, it’s fitting that this episode was on Valentine’s Day, since it made us fall in love with Glee all over again. So pause your weight-lifting video, sell your tickets to the Carrot Top convention, and just say not to vapo-rape. Yes, things are about to get cray-cray-cray (which is even crazier than just cray-cray).
Emma Gets Shooed Away From Schue
The episode begins with Emma freaking out about her wedding to Mr. Schue, even though Schue is back in town for good. Meanwhile, Finn is feeling mighty guilty about having kissed Emma. Wait — so there are downsides to kissing your best friend's fiancee? Who knew!
Perhaps the least surprising twist of the episode was Emma channeling her inner Julia Roberts a la Runaway Bride and leaving Schue at the altar. Still, what we did find surprising was that Emma never returned later in the episode to talk things out. And here we thought that all good things in life eventually return, kind of like how McDonald’s sells the McRib every year.
Of course, the surprises at the wedding were just getting started. (Believe us.) Schue agrees to have to have the wedding reception anyway — which seems like an odd choice — and so everyone gets freaky, perhaps to make up for the fact that the bride and groom won't be getting freaky.
Somebody Call Maury
Basically, everyone ends up getting a room: Klaine can’t keep their hands off each other, although Blaine is more serious than Kurt (gah!); Santana and Quinn flirt all night and end up in bed, with Quinn admitting it’s her first (and second!) time with a woman; and Artie is quite the expert at pleasing a lady, as new character Betty — The Glee Project’s Ali Stroker! — can attest.
As for Jarley, Jake almost gets Marley’s v-card — thanks in part to Ryder, who appears to be more skilled at picking out presents than Santa Claus is. And then there’s the most shocking twist of all: Finchel — after Rachel catches the bouquet and Finn hits the sauce — end up in bed, with Finn possibly slipping one past the goalie.
And don’t even get us started on what we see when Rachel returns home to her open relationship with Brody — or maybe we should call him Deuce Bigalow. Yes, Brody appears to be a male escort. Uh, do you really need money when you’re splitting a loft in Bushwick with three other people? We think not.
So, by the end of the epiosde, Tina is done crushing on Blaine, but now all she wants in life is for Klaine to get back together (join the club, Tina!); Rachel takes a pregnancy test and might have a Broadway-bound bun in the oven; and Ryder kisses Marley. Y’know, just another completely uneventful episode.
There's so much to process. Is Rachel going to follow in Quinn’s footsteps and become a teen mom? Yes, we’re hoping (praying!) it’s Finn’s baby — but given that most pregnancy tests take somewhere in the two-week range to detect a bundle of joy, we’d say it’s likely to be Brody’s. (Nooo!) Or else let’s just hope a lot of time went by during that montage.
Frankly, the idea of Brody as an escort is almost too much, since there was really no hint that he was that sketchy. Does this mean his story about being late for his date with Rachel because of the train two weeks ago was a lie? And, uh, did Cassandra pay to have sex with him? So many questions!
Just the thought of Brody paying child support with sex money makes us cringe. (Wait — “sex money” is a real term, right? Okay, good.)
But let's be honest: Given that Finn and Rachel were about to get married anyway, maybe a Finchel spawn would be kind of perfect? Let’s just hope the baby gets her hair and his ability to deliver surprisingly effective pep talks.
And we’re dying that Klaine is this close to getting back together but that Kurt seems to be pumping the brakes. (You're killing us, Kurt.) Blaine has probably never been cuter than this week when he’s so elated at the prospect of the two of them rekindling things, so it breaks our little hearts to see him hurting.
For our “Favorite Scene of the Week,” we’ll give it to Finchel flirting just after Rachel catches the bouquet, since we love Finn finally knowing what he wants. But a very close runner-up was seeing Quinn and Santana in bed, since it was that shocking.
And in third place, let’s not forget how precious those Klaine dance moves were in “Just Can’t Get Enough.” We’re still squealing over here.
Okay, we really don't know how the show tops this episode, but we loved every moment of it, and we can't wait to see what happens when the show returns next month. (Is it really not coming back until next month?) So we hope everyone had an amazing Valentine's Day! Or at least we hope you had a better Valentine's Day than Schue did — which isn't saying much.