“I was with someone.” And there they are: The four words that made the world (and possibly other planets) weep uncontrollably during tonight’s devastating Glee episode.
And don't get us started on that completely crushing Brittana scene! So here’s the not-exactly-uplifting rundown: Two couples are definitely broken up (Finchel and Jitty), one couple is basically broken up (Brittana), two other couples are facing their biggest struggle yet (Klaine and Wemma), and as for us, well... we just wish we could go binge-shopping and pretend this was all a bad (teenage) dream. Why don’t you give our hearts a break, Glee?
The episode, "The Break-Up," started out rather promising, actually, and we were thinking this wouldn’t be that bad, which is the same way we feel about 30 seconds into starting a jog, until a minute or so later when we’re like, “Jogging sucks, and I can’t breathe, and air! I need air!”
The promising part of the episode began with Rachel offering to help Finn find his way in NYC. So far, so good. Granted, Finn wasn’t excited about the idea, but we don’t think the word “excited” is in Finn’s vocabulary. Maybe that semi-honorable discharge for shooting himself with his gun named Rachel wasn’t such a bad thing after all? (But should “human Rachel” really be flattered that Finn gave her name to something that causes people extreme pain?)
And the even better part about the start of the episode? Watching Brittana do laundry together, followed by that sweet kiss! Because what’s more romantic than being around a pile of someone's dirty clothes?
And then suddenly, our naive little bubble was burst by four letters: Eli C. It took us a second to even realize what was happening. At first, we were like, “Why does Blaine have Kurt’s number stored under the name Eli?” Wishful thinking — but how wrong we were.
In fact, it turns out that Blaine has been poking Eli (and get your minds out of the gutter — we mean the Facebook way!). Come to think of it, who still “pokes” on Facebook anymore? Anyway, Blaine gives Kurt roses and sings him the saddest version of a Katy Perry song ever, but it doesn’t soften the blow, which Blaine delivers as he and Kurt are walking through the park. (We wonder if we'll ever meet this Eli guy, and if so, he better be one heck of a catch.)
Now let’s focus on our Brittana pain, shall we? (There’s plenty of pain to go around this week.) And we’re still trying to figure out why Santana would sing such a misleading song like “Mine” to Brittany, if she was just going to end things with her moments later, all the while claiming that this wasn’t an “official” break-up when it clearly was. Sad songs make us sad, too, Brittany.
And does Santana's reason for breaking up with Brit really make sense? She's breaking up with Brittany for smiling at someone (and someone who, we might add, is nowhere near as cute as Brittany)? Brittany and Santana seem destined for each other, so we don't get why they don't just stay together with the knowledge that they'll be in the same city soon enough. Ugh. (Then again, this show isn't always known for being logical, is it?)
Plus, a note to Virginia Woolf: We’re never reading another one of your novels for as long as we live! As far as we’re concerned, Virginia is as responsible for this break-up as anyone else, since it was her books that brought the “crazy or lesbian” girl to the library for that energy exchange. (We hope Ms. Woolf is happy.)
Let’s not forget the story of Mopey McGee — sorry, we mean Finn Hudson — who refuses to sing at Callbacks (but don't you need to be 21 to go to a karaoke bar?), accuses Rachel of hooking up with Brody even though he told her to be free, and then sneaks back to Lima without saying goodbye.
So Rachel becomes as take-charge as we’ve seen her in a while and tells Finn, “You and I are now broken up for the seventeenth time. Or wait — is this our eighteenth break-up? Sorry, I always lose count.” (We’re just saying that they break up a lot.)
As for the high schoolers, Kitty pulls a prank on Tina’s new assistant Dottie, so Jake finally gives Kitty the boot, but he might have just broken up with her so that he could get his jacket back. We all know that autumns in Ohio can be brisk.
And speaking of Kitty wearing Jake’s jacket, does the fact that Jake is now on the market mean that Jake and Marley will let everyone know that they’re an item by having Jake wear Marley’s newsboy cap? Well, Jake isn’t ready to date Marley yet — but we really hope we get to see him in her newsboy cap before too long. (Oh, and we're thinking Wemma will be okay.)
So is it even possible to pick a “Favorite Scene of the Night”? It’s certainly not easy. Sure, there was some dynamite acting on display, especially Blaine’s emotional performance behind the piano on “Teenage Dream.” But if we're being honest, tonight’s episode has now sorta ruined the amazing Glee memories that we had of “Teenage Dream.” Thanks a lot, Blaine!
So for our favorite scene, we’ll probably have to go with Brittana’s kiss over laundry, since it was the one bright spot in their relationship this season. But we did appreciate the scene where Kurt tells his Vogue co-worker that Blaine is “the cutest.” True, Klaine might end up being done for good, especially since Kurt drops Blaine’s note in the trash (harsh!), but that line about Blaine being “the cutest” gives us just the tiniest modicum of hope for these two. (So you’re telling us there’s a chance...)
Then again, our favorite scene could easily be the flashbacks of all four couples to happier times. Everyone was so young and pinchable! We really wish we could live every day like it was the first day we saw Kurt and Blaine holding hands while running through the hallways of Dalton. Ah, simpler times.
And if we're mentioning things we loved about the episode, do you think we would ever be ones to complain about watching Finn doing push-ups? No, we wouldn't. In fact, we wish he could drop and give us twenty more right now.
So what happens next? Sure, Brittany and Sam could be cute together, but seeing them date would be like putting ice cream on pizza — it's two things you love on their own but that just aren't quite right together. That said, if you try putting ice cream on your pizza one of these days and it ends up being delicious, and you open up an Ice Cream Pizza Shop and make millions, don't forget that it was our idea, okay? (We'll split the profits 50-50. We're all gonna be so rich!)
And now we have to wait more than a month for the next Glee episode? Wow. If anyone needs us, we'll be backpacking through Georgia.