Credit: Beth Dubber/FOX ©2011 Fox Broadcasting Co. Photo: Blaine Meets New Warbler Sebastian in Glee Season 3, Episode 5: “The First Time”

Forget last week’s Lucky Charms — this week’s Glee was all about getting lucky. And tonight’s episode, The First Time, included a little of everything, from the return of the Warblers (plus one very evil new Warbler!); McKinley getting its West Side Story on; and even Beiste in love! And yet, amidst all that, we have just one question: Does tonight’s episode count as one of Damian’s seven episodes or what? Because it better not — the dude only got one freakin’ line!

The episode, “The First Time,” kicked off with Rachel and Blaine’s downright tear-worthy performance of “Tonight,” only to have apparent sex-guru Artie knock it for sounding like, well, a couple of virgins. And this makes our two leads extra-motivated to do the deed, not that most teenagers these days need much of a push.

And sure, we liked that the “punching of the v-card” storyline was tied into the musical, but we’re not so sure that this completely made sense. Does Shia LaBeouf not feel that he has adequately prepared for filming a Transformers movie until he’s, like, kicked a Roomba or something? (Okay, maybe Shia doesn’t have Rachel’s dream career, but you get what we mean.)

For those of you who miss Blaine with his Dalton cohorts (and we can’t say we entirely blame you), tonight was at least a compromise, as Blaine stopped by to invite the old jacket-adorned gang to a West Side Story performance. This also provided our lone non-show-tune song of the night, but boy, was it a doozy: The Warblers knocked “Uptown Girl” out of the park, complete with crazy kung-fu dance moves that probably caused Billy Joel to throw his back out just thinking of them.

Credit: Adam Rose/FOX ©2011 Fox Broadcasting Co. Photo: Blaine and Rachel Get Close in Glee Season 3, Episode 5:

There were many surprises tonight, and right up there was the revelation that Finn (a.k.a. Mr. Grilled Cheesus) could hold his own as a Top Chef contestant, as he whipped Rachel up a little something for their oh-so-romantic meal at his place, with his mom and Burt off on the campaign trail. (Okay, so Finn forgot that Rachel doesn’t eat food with faces, but we all make mistakes.)

Things start heating up in the living room — and we’re not just talking about that electric fireplace — that is, until Rachel reveals that she wants to get freaky in order to become a better actress. Finn freaks, but Finn being surprised by Rachel’s complete focus on her career is kinda like you being surprised when your newly acquired pet goat goes and eats your prize-winning tin can collection, despite you distinctly telling it not to. (They give prizes to tin can collections, right?)

At Dalton, Blaine meets Sebastian, a new member of the Warblers and Blaine’s biggest fan — actually, second biggest, if you count us. The two go for coffee, where Kurt just so happens to bump into them. (Is Kurt’s move sweet or stalker-y? We’re still unsure.) Sebastian then invites them to Scandals, which is a theme bar based loosely on the 18th-century play, School for Scandal. Either that, or it’s actually a gay bar which is the epicenter of Lima’s thriving existent gay scene. One or the other.

This brings us to our favorite moment of the night. Any guesses? No, it wasn’t when Brittany described losing her virginity (although that was pretty awesome, too). Actually, our fave was seeing Beiste bond with the Ohio State coach, Cooter (which was much better than Schue's condescending kiss to Beiste last season). Thanks to some deft matchmaking on Artie’s part, Beiste agrees to a date after finally picks up on the hints that Cooter was dropping (and let’s just say that you didn’t have to be Robert Langdon from The Da Vinci Code to decipher Cooter’s not-exactly-hidden message).

Credit: FOX ©2011 Fox Broadcasting Co. Photo: Grant Gustin as Sebastian in Glee Season 3, Episode 5:

Because the episode was all about sex, of course the discussion turned to the subject of faking it. Uh, getting a fake ID, that is — what did you think we meant by “faking it”? (Get your mind out of the gutter, perv!) As it turns out, not even Superbad’s McLovin used an ID as bad as the ones Blaine and Kurt show to get into Scandals, but it doesn’t seem to matter. Lima’s police force apparently has bigger fish to fry. (Who are we kidding — we all know they probably don’t.)

And here is when we got another (actual) shock, as Karofsky happens to be a regular at the bar! Apparently, he’s transfered from McKinley (who knew?) and has become comfortable with his sexuality, even embracing his “bear cub” identity. We don’t know if this is the last we’ll see of the guy, but it’s nice to see him get some semblance of a happy ending.

And speaking of happy ending (was that a killer segue or what?), Blaine gets a little tipsy and wants to go all the way with Kurt in the backseat (no pun intended, we assure you). But Kurt decides the first time should be special (details, details), and so Blaine is left to hitchhike.

So now we get to the end of the episode, with Finchel and Blaine both reconciling and deciding to lose it after all, with their sex interspersed with final scenes from West Side Story. And it was sweet and all, with the intertwined bare feet, but this much-anticipated “climax” to the episode seemed a little lackluster to us, almost like an afterthought. Plus, no shirtless men during that sex montage, considering that shirtless mention sometimes appear to be Glee’s raison d’etre? What gives?

Credit: Beth Dubber/FOX ©2011 Fox Broadcasting Co. Photo: Blaine Sings With the Warblers in Glee Season 3, Episode 5: “The First Time"

Other standout moments for us were Artie receiving that adorable bouquet from the cast, along with Mike (who’s also not a virgin, FYI) standing up to his unhappy father. We then learn that Mike Chang, Sr., was apparently an aspiring tennis player, which seems like a strange choice, considering there was actually a rather famous professional tennis player in the late ‘80s named Michael Chang. Uh, coincidence?

And just to follow up on that, Wikipedia points out that the real Michael Chang is known for having introduced the jumping two-handed backswing to the game of tennis. And where would we be without the jumping two-handed backswing. Seriously, we’re actually asking where we would be without it! We’re not really that into tennis. (Tennis bracelets — those we’re into.)

And probably our second favorite scene tonight was Finn’s heart-breaking realization that the Ohio State recruiter (a.k.a. the new Mr. Beiste) was actually visiting McKinley to offer a scholarship solely to Shane (a.k.a. the new Mr. Mercedes). This was a powerful scene, and one that resonates with all of us who have had to learn that you can’t always get what you want.

Overall, we were happy with the episode, although it does seem a little strange that major storylines — like, the Great Troubletones Secession of 2011 — seem to only be broached in every other episode. Then again, it was nice to have our heroes back together (albeit briefly) as one happy family, as seen when Rachel turns to Brit and Santana for advice. Can’t we all just get along?

So there you have it — the virgin count on Glee has now decreased precipitously. Now it’s time to unwind, perhaps by watching a DVD featuring a master thespian. Anyone for Wall Street 2? (Just kidding, Shia! We still love you!)

 

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