At the start of the episode, appropriately titled "Blame It on the Alcohol," Figgins is in a panic over a new problem that has bothered much of America. And no, we’re not talking about Justin Bieber's new hairdo. (Admit it — we weren't the only ones who spent the better part of today contemplating which 'do we like better!)
Figgins is actually dealing with underage drinking among the McKinley High students, so he wants glee to sing a song that doesn't make drinking sound fun. We're guessing that old-school hip-hop is out of the question. (Yes, we're looking at you, "Gin and Juice." And you, "Brass Monkey.")
Rachel provides us with the moment of the night (with apologies to Beiste in that leather vest) when she belts out her hilariously misguided attempt at songwriting, a homage to her headband. So Finn mercifully tells her to toss that one back and keep fishing — but not before throwing a bitchin' rager, of course.
With her dads away, Rachel invites the club to her empty home, which is très Rachel, including an oil portrait of Rachel's favorite singer — herself, obvi. To keep the party from destination dullsville, Puck finds a secret stash of liquid happiness and, before long, the walls have come down and the clothes have come off. It's spin the bottle time, and Blaine kisses a girl (in this case, Rachel) — and he likes it. Uh-oh.
Schue must have felt left out of all the debauchery — or maybe he's not thrilled to hear Emma talk house-hunting — so he and Beiste hit up a honky-tonk bar. Beiste sings her first song (which isn't bad), and Will wears a cowboy hat (which is bad). Schue gets sloshed and ends up leaving a saucy message on Emma's voicemail... except that she never receives it. But surely this is the last we’ll hear of it, right?
Rachel grapples with the prospect of having real feelings for Blaine, while Kurt struggles with the news that Blaine might actually be into chicks. And then Burt tries to deal with seeing Blaine hop out of Kurt's bed in the morning (although nothing happened). All in all, there's a whole lot of grappling goin’ on.
It's time for the kids to perform at the alcohol awareness assembly, but Rachel has decided that she can’t appear onstage without drinking first. (Who is she — Courtney Love?) So she gets everyone drunk beforehand on a homemade elixir involving cough syrup and Oreos. Unfortunately, halfway through "Tik Tok," Brittany has covered Rachel in... well, cough syrup and Oreos. We don’t think this is what it means to wake up in the morning feeling like P. Diddy.
But the most excruciating side effects of drinking are yet to come, as Sue plays — for the whole school — the voice message that Will had intended for Emma but had inadvertently left for Sue, involving an invite to roll in the proverbial hay. Needless to say, Schue and the kids are done with drinking until Nationals (though it will probably take far longer to recover their dignity). Rachel and Blaine try another kiss, proving once and for all that girls are not Blaine's bag.
The episode is a blast, and we're borderline morose that we won’t get a new one for another two weeks. Luckily, we’ll be pretty busy; there are a lot of photos of the Biebs with his new hairdo that we have to Photoshop our own picture onto, so it looks like we're hanging out together. Care to join? No? Your loss.
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