Sue begins the episode by commandeering the McKinley sound system and forcing the school to experience the expansive canon of one of the most diverse musical talents of the '80s. No, we're not talking about Tiffany. She was really more of a one-hit wonder. (Seriously, what were you thinking by suggesting Tiffany? You should be ashamed.) It's Madonna, who Sue has some sort of bizarre fascination with, in the same way that Sue has a bizarre fascination with being the worst staff member at a school since the teachers in that late-'90s Usher movie The Faculty, where the teachers were actually blood-thristy aliens. (Oops — spoiler alert! But if you're just now catching up with late '90s popular culture, we doubt that you would start with the film catalog of Usher.)
Sue implores the Cheerios to follow Madonna's lead and date younger men. Santana, that Latina vixen in search of her own Jesus Luz, pursues Finn, still a card-carrying virgin. But he's not the only virgin on the verge of learning about the disappointment and unmet expectations of your first time. Jesse is making a hard play at Rachel's v-card, and Emma — informed by Sue that she's too chaste to fully appreciate Madonna's gospel — lets Schue know that they will "doing the nasty," with foreplay beginning at "7:30 sharp." And what guy wants to miss out on pre-scheduled foreplay?
Finn gets word that Rachel is still with Jesse, despite her claims last week to otherwise, and when he confronts Rachel about it, she fesses up. Cue a chemistry-addled duet of the woman-of-the-hour's "Open Your Heart to Me." Sure, it was hot, but did they have to throw so many books on the ground on their romp through the library? Somebody is going to have to pick those up!
This isn't a superhero movie, but we finally get a little spider bite-type mishap story of our own to explain the origin of Sue's hatred of Will's greasy, sticky, glorious locks. Something about her wanting to be blonde forever — her explanation made about as much sense as a guy from Krypton getting special powers from the Earth's sun. But it at least leads to a moment of superhero proportions: Sue, with a makeover courtesy of Glee's fab duo, Kurt and Mercedes, acts out an almost shot-for-shot remake of Madonna's "Vogue" video. Love it, obviously, but how long is it before this show feels like it was completely tailor-made to create viral videos for Youtube?
Of course, hair jokes and shot-for-shot remakes of old music videos aren't why you called. You want to hear about sex. (You're such a perv. Try to tone it down a bit, okay?) As the three dates begin, we get a group rendition of "Like a Virgin." (It's too bad "I Wanna Sex You Up" — which would have been appropriate here — was already performed earlier this season, or maybe we could have gotten an all Color Me Badd episode. Or... maybe not.) Here we see Rachel, cape and all, spurn Jesse's advances, and Emma decide that, well, she's waited three decades — what's another three more? But our boy Finn — are we proud of him or what? He tells Rachel that he couldn't go through with losing it, but in fact he does go through with it, and Santana has claimed another v-card, just like the aliens teachers in The Faculty claimed another student's brain. (Seriously, has no one else seen this film?)
Jesse, not having any luck getting into Rachel's cape, turns to more desperate measures: joining New Directions. Schue lets him join, causing Brittany to ask, "Is he your son?" (Boy, do we love her!) Finn proves himself the bigger man — now that Santana has indeed made him a man — and welcomes Jesse to the group, leading to a group performance of "Like a Prayer." Yes, Finn may have welcomed Jesse, but when we hear Finn sing a (painful) solo from the song, we're no longer on his side. Plus, Finn has the misfortune of having his solo followed by one performed by lungs-of-an-angel Kurt, and then a run by Mercedes. Ouch, Finn. And what's up next? How about a full gospel choir joining in and underscoring just how much Finn's vocals pale in comparison. Double ouch. Well, Finn is still a good guy, even if he didn't exactly hit a home run with those vocals. (Oops, "home run" is a baseball term. Sorry for all the insider sports jargon, Gleeks! We'll try to control them next week.)