The episode — appropriately entitled “Sexy” — starts, actually, with the opposite of sexiness, as Emma is now in charge of The Chastity Club. However, we realize that it only has two members (which is the same number of people who saw Nicolas Cage’s last movie). Turns out, Rachel and Quinn are the only ones on Team Prude.
Brittany, enlightened as always, announces that seeing a bird out your window means that you’re pregnant. (So much for peeing on a stick.) This alarms Schue, so he enlists newly returned substitute teacher (and all-around fox) Holly to help spread the word about sex ed. Needless to say, Emma isn’t exactly happy.
After that, we get a hilarious scene in which Blaine coaches Kurt on his come-hither facial expressions, although Kurt’s face seemed less like someone in the throes of passion and more like the pained look of someone who just found out that his daughter is dating Charlie Sheen.
Lauren asks Puck if he wants to make a sex tape (do you really have to ask what his response was?), while Brittany and Santana hook up (poor Artie!). The two girls then talk to Holly about what to do about their feelings for each other, and she suggests that they sing it out (which is basically the show’s answer for everything, right?).
Emma decides that she, too, must express her opinions on sex and gives a hilariously misguided performance of “Afternoon Delight” with Carl (who’s been missing for approximately the last 300 episodes). Carl then convinces Holly to meet with them, and since they have yet to be intimate after four months of marriage, Holly correctly surmises that Emma is still thinking about Will. Yikes!
Blaine reaches out to Kurt’s dad at work, imploring him to have "The Talk" with Kurt. So Burt, armed with pamphlets, sits down with Kurt and tells him not to be careless with sex, because he matters. And then we paused the show for about 20 minutes, since we had burst into tears and needed time to regain our composure. Seriously, Burt is the greatest TV dad ever (with apologies, of course, to Cliff Huxtable).
Puck and Lauren’s dream of making a sex tape (which we assume is not the kind of dream that Dr. King had in mind) falls by the wayside, but she still kisses him, and they join the celibacy club, where Puck notices a telltale mark on Quinn’s neck. Turns out, it’s indeed a hickey, as she has been rolling around in bed with Finn! And Santana tells Brittany she loves her (gasp!), but Brit refuses to dump Artie.
Finally, Holly drops by to tell Schue that she’s switching schools, and when Schue says he’ll miss her, they decide to give their relationship a shot, with Holly coming thisclose to blabbing about Emma’s feelings for Will. Apparently, Holly keeps secrets about as well as TMZ does.
So it was quite the steamy episode of Glee. And if you’re like us, you’ll be spending the next week wishing that Burt could show up in every episode! (And while we're wishing for things, let's also wish that Nic Cage learned how to say “no” to a script every once in a while.)
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Who's ready for Regionals? Catch a sneak peek of Glee Season 2, Episode 16: "Original Song!"