We open with breakfast at the Humphrey’s … which is more or less a weird sort of cross-generational cocktail brunch with Dan (Penn Badgley), Serena (Blake Lively), Charlie (Kaylee DeFer), Lily (Kelly Rutherford) and Rufus (Matthew Settle). We learn Charlie has plans to relax at a spa as a way of recuperating from certain recent, shall we say, traumatic events and Lily is planning a coming out party for her. She wants everyone to love Charlie like she does.
Over the smooth taste of French pressed coffee, Serena sends some snark Dan’s way over the cinematic potential of his book. His proud face falls, but the wounds are survivable.
Meanwhile, high above the city, Chuck (Ed Westwick) laconically praises Nate (Chace Crawford) over some recent business decisions and expresses some jealousy over Nate’s being invited by his grandfather, William van der Bilt, to an exclusive party of financial gods. Turns out, though, that Chuck is really only talking so much to help hide the fact that he’s reading a tabloid with info on Blair’s wedding.
Yet elsewhere, Dorota channels her inner-fairy godmother and chides Blair (Leighton Meester) over her indecision regarding that very wedding. The Juliet and Nurse routine never gets old with these two.
We cut to Dan’s room where he hassles Serena over her breakfast table teasing. She admits Dan’s book had a positive effect on everyone’s life by making them look at themselves. It’s kind of a... touching moment of... honesty. She leaves in a trail of sincerity. Soon after, Rufus enters for a bit of fatherly encouragement. Like the rest of the universe, knows how much Dan is in love with Blair, and he thinks it’d be better if she found out how he feels.
We head to the halls of The Spectator where Nate’s cousin Trip van der Bilt is visiting. Nate brags about the big party Chuck was hassling him about earlier and Trip says Nate is getting a hand-me-down invite. ‘Twas Trip himself first invited, and he turned it down. It seems he bears a grudge against Grandpa Bill for, you know, trying to destroy Trip’s wife Maureen. Trip has a mad-on for Gramps.
In the cloistered halls of Blair’s home, Dorota suggests yoga as a pregnancy exercise, but Blair is more interested in an arriving package. The delivery boy is really a cameraman in disguise! Paparazzi buzzards! She’s not even safe in her own home! Dorota cusses him out Old-World style and suggests B hide with her way out in Queens.
“No thank you” shudders Blair! The phone rings before we can see if Dorota's response. It’s Dan calling to tell Blair how he feels! Just like Dad suggested! He can only tell her in Brooklyn, though. She spurns the forgotten borough for the cool one and zips over. They don’t show her on the L train, but we like to think she took it!
Once in The Other New York, in Dan’s enormous, quirky loft, they have a heart to heart re: her feelings about Chuck and Louis. She asks him to help her choose (but HE loves her! Excruciating!) He suggest they make a pros and cons list and uses the opportunity to shout out the cons with relish.
She cuts the game off when she realises being with the father of her child is the only thing that matters and who would want a woman carrying someone else’s kid? Dan raises a shy hand and says HE would marry a woman with someone else’s child, but SHE DOESN’T GET IT
We sure get it, and then we get a scene with Evil Max (Brian J. Smith) taunting Charlie on the phone. He’s all, “I know what you did last Summer,” and she’s all “Eeee!”
Meanwhile, Serena and Rufus laugh about the past and the early origins of her and Dan’s relationship and how mature they both are to have stayed friends, when suddenly... a hot Gossip Girl blast suddenly comes in.
A spy knows Blair is at Dan’s!
In that very apartment, Blair calls Chuck and admits to him she’s “lost” and wants to know if he — hypothetically we’re sure — if HE could raise another man’s child. Chuck cuts through the crap and says, he can’t make decisions for her, but... that it’s probably never a bad idea to end up with the guy who is the father of her child. (Wait. Did he just tell her to go to Louis? That’s got to be painful.)
But … not as painful as having to switch back to the Grandpa Bill plot! Grandpa tells Nate it’s true, he did mess with Trip’s wife Maureen and also... manipulated Diane to hiring Nate! Poor, dumb Nate thought he’d been hired on his own merit. Grandpa says Nate’s work is excellent and makes him feel like the future of the family is in good hands. Nate is conflicted!
Then Wicked Max shows up to spill more Charlie/Ivy scandal. Nate tells him to go plus away. Go away, Max! Nobody likes you!
Dan talks to Serena on the phone about Blair being in his apartment. She tells him not to tell Blair he loves her. He says he doesn’t care if the whole world burns, he has to be honest!
Charlie meets Nate in his office and he tells her Max is sniffing around trying to sell her story. She says she’s sorry he can’t come to her party, and he says maybe he CAN! He might skip grandpa’s affair since he’s mad about the nepotism. She tells him Grandpa’s help was unnecessary! The power was inside him the whole time. He could fly without the magic feather!
Then we’re at an old oaken bar where Lily tells Chuck that Blair won’t be attending tonight’s party. He tells her he plans on getting trashed to deal with his feelings. She offers a shoulder to cry on and a ready ear. He says love sucks, she says stepmoms are cool and stepsons are better. Love is real!
Prince Louis (finally!) shows up at Serena’s and she tells him he’s the only one who can make Blair happy. And to quit being a such an idoit. He says he can’t find her. Luckily, Serena reads Gossip Girl, so she knows where B is!
Then, a swirl of images:
Blair weeps to Dan about what Chuck said. Dan moves in for the emotional kill! Blair, did I ever tell you that I … Wait. Not quite yet.
Trip confronts Grandpa. Gramps tells him he sucks. Trip tells him he’s messing up Trip’s chances of being elected and Grandpa says he hopes so and rides off in a cloud of black ink. Then sniveling Max appears with filth to spread. Trip is all ears.
Back in Brooklyn, EVERYONE is in Dan’s hallway at the same time. Chuck and Prince Louis confront one another like gentleman, bust into Dan’s pad and find it... empty!
The hunt is on! And so is Charlie’s party! It’s kind of a big deal with golden light and shimmering glasses of sparkling crystal.
Dan is leading a blindfolded Blair to a secret candlelit location. What is going to happen!
Nate has decided to do everything in one night. He’s going to drop by Charlie’s party AND go to Mt. Olympus for Grandpa’s God Party. Racing up to the party hotel, he runs into Lurking Max. He tells Max to just plus go away AGAIN. This won’t end well. Nate runs in to tell Charlie he thinks Max might be dangerous.
Dan and Chuck are suddenly there. Are there secret tunnels all over the city? Gasp! The "cafe" is really a back room of the party! Dan leads Chuck in!! Wha?? Turns out, he was just trying to help
Charlie makes a secret text on her next-generation smartphone. Hmmmm.
Chuck admits he was trying not to be selfish earlier on the phone when he suggested she marry Louis. He says he wants her and will love her baby!! She gets the worst-timed text of all. GG knows where she is! She says she has to go. Chuck says not without him she’s not.
Nate says, “hey ya’ll read the latest GG? He leads them through a secret passage to a waiting car. Everybody is helping!!
Lilly and Rufus are toasting Charlie who, during her big moment of being introduced to society sees Chuck and Blair sneeeaking out da back.
A disembodied voice quotes Camus (who famously died in a car crash (foreshadowing!?)) as Chair speed away in the limo. The camera pans down to an ominous puddle of... transmission fluid? Is something wrong with the limo’s guts?
At the bar, Dan is knocking ‘em back and Serena finds him to ask how it went with Blair. He tells her their conversation earlier helped him be less selfish with B. She didn’t need his confession, she needed his help. He wanted to “give himself a new ending” and help Chair be happy. It’s a really nice callback to their scene in his room earlier. S tells him he’s the sweetest thing since sugared bread.
Stalker Max calls Charlie (why isn’t his number blocked?) and flips her more menace, calls her Fake Face, and she hangs up.
Nate, in a limo to Grandpa’s thing notices Chair’s limo hounded by a biker gang of Hell’s Angel photographers. In that limo, Chair kiss and kiss and she confesses she is going to ditch Louis!! She says maybe they can hide in Tokyo! He says love doesn’t need to run away! They can raise the baby in NY! The pap-cycles are acting stoopid dangerous and swarming too close to the car! It kuh-rashes!!!! Nate jumps out of his town car and races toward the steaming wreckage!!
We come back to a hospital! Nate, Serena and Dan meet in the waiting room and... wait. Lily and Rufus are there too. Charlie staggers in. Everyone blames Gossip Girl for revealing Blair’s location. They all pledge to use the Spectator to DESTROY GOSSIP GIRL. Charlie seems... sick about this for some reason. She reveals, tearfully to Rufus that it was SHE who tipped off GG! She admits she only done it to distract everyone from the possibility of her being unmasked by Max (unmaxed?)
Wait. Does this mean somebody on the Upper East Side now knows the full extent of Charlie's secret? Uh-uh. Better enjoy those Manolos while you can, Ivy!
At the end, in the back of a car, none other than Diana Payne (Elizabeth Hurley) is informed of the car accident by a very old voice (Jack Bass? Is that you?) ... and a secret meeting is planned. Fade to black.
See you in January!
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