It’s Blair’s (Leighton Meester) bridal shower day! Which everyone is unreasonably excited about, as though wedding showers were real events, and not just uncomfortable gift grabs where people embarrass the bride with sex toys and make toilet paper wedding gowns! Whatever.
Louis (Hugo Becker) returns, bearing gifts and suitably penitent — for about five seconds, until he decides that all of their relationship problems stem from her friends selling them out. Girl, please. You think Serena (Blake Lively) is making Blair sneaky? Love really is blind.
Blair and Louis fight, as they do all the time now, and Blair’s bad mood gets worse when her minions tell her that S is throwing her the most un-Blair-like shower ever (think food truck souvlaki and blue jeans). Blair begins to wonder if Louis is right, and her friends are a bad influence.
To be fair, S is being a bit catty. The guest list for the shower includes everyone in town, except Dan (Penn Badgley) and Chuck (Ed Westwick). This results in the awesomest fallout possible: Dan seeks Chuck out and decides to spend the day bonding with him. Chuck, for some reason, goes along with this, presumably because he thinks it’ll be funny, which it is.
Ivy’s (Kaylee DeFer) worlds are colliding, and her desperate lies are flying thick and fast. When Max (Brian J. Smith) comes looking for Ivy at the loft and spills her real name to Lily, Ivy’s like, “Yes! I have a secret life! I pretended to be Ivy Dickens! To get to know the common man! Ignore my panicked lie face and believe me!” Lily, who doesn’t actually care about the provenance of the strays she invites to live in her house, is like “Sure, sounds plausible,” but Max realizes that he’s actually met Carol Rhodes and the real Charlie at a play Ivy was in in Florida. So the real Charlie isn’t dead or locked in Carol’s basement! Yay? Actually who knows. She could have a whole fleet of fake daughters running around. Anyway, Ivy offers Max $50,000 to go away to Portland and start a restaurant, which he seems into.
Diana (Elizabeth Hurley) is feeling the heat from Nate’s (Chace Crawford) grandpa. Turns out that while Diana is in this to take down Gossip Girl, Pop Pop Van der Bilt just wants to secure a respectable career for his grandson without Nate realizing he’s interfered. He’s decided that Nate’s “earned” the right to be editor-in-chief of a major New York newspaper at age 20, which, HA, but also ouch, because that is kind of how that works.
Diana doesn’t want to step aside till she’s KO’d Gossip Girl, and William, who’s apparently a majority investor in the Observer, gives her three days to do so. Diana, in turn, puts the pressure on Nate to up their page views, and he dips a toe in the dark side, getting Eric’s old boyfriend Jonathan (remember him?) to hack into Gossip Girl’s internal site and get him a list of everyone who’s ever sent in a tip. Which is, you know, everyone.
Nate sends the list to Serena like a kitty proudly laying a dead mouse at its owner’s feet. She, of course, freaks, since the list will not only hurt Gossip Girl, but also her, Blair, and everyone they know. She makes Nate promise not to release it, which he does — but Diana’s already seen it over his shoulder, and Louis has seen it over Serena’s.
Nate manages to persuade Diana not to run the list by showing her that he’s never submitted to Gossip Girl at all. Obviously this is because a) Nate can’t write or b) Nate is Gossip Girl, but Diana just takes it as a sign of integrity and melts, as Nate’s devious girlfriends always eventually do. However, Louis, who’s developing quite the Side Eye of Sneakiness these days, has no qualms about hitting “send.”
Blair arrives at her shower to find that Serena has actually thrown her a pitch-perfect Breakfast At Tiffany’s themed party. Too bad it’s immediately ruined when the Gossip Girl news breaks, and everyone spends the whole party staring at their phones. Rude! And the two snubbed ones, of course, put in an appearance after all: A drunken Dan, having decided at Chuck’s urging to become a “man of action,” shows up to demand that Blair tell him why he wasn’t invited; and Chuck, who actually just meant Dan should get some action, follows with an eyeroll and a sigh to drag him back out by his collar. Just about the only one who has a good time is Ivy, who wins a Tiffany diamond ring. Do any of these guys realize that Breakfast At Tiffany’s was about poor people?
Ivy’s ring is barely in her hot little hand before Max shows up, demanding answers. She admits that she’s a big liar, but points out that “the money is real,” which, wow, if you ever find yourself saying that, it’s really time to examine your choices. Ivy gives him the ring as a down payment, but he later decides it’s not enough, and calls her to demand $500,000 to finance the Big Apple lifestyle. Yep, he’s 1) staying in town, 2) a big jerk, and 3) setting his romantic sights on a wealthy blonde — Serena.
Chuck drags Dan out and points out the obvious: Dan’s in love with Blair. They actually do have a nice bonding moment of “Chicks, man” before Dan stumbles off, probably to puke on someone’s stoop.
Diana’s got what she wanted — except for loooove. She knows that Nate won’t believe her that she didn’t leak the list, so when Nate discovers her and his grandfather together, she gracefully takes the fall and leaves the Spectator in his capable hands. Nate’s a big boy editor now! All by himself! This should be good.
Blair and Louis have yet another blowout when she learns it’s him who leaked the list. Leighton Meester gives some amazing eyes-filled-with-tears “dying relationship” face, and she sends Louis packing, telling him they’re on a break. Don’t sleep with the copy girl, Louis! (That’s a Friends reference, kids.)
Seems Blair might be the one about to Ross things up, though — when she learns that Chuck really didn’t crash the party to make things difficult for her, she turns up at his apartment, asking to talk. Next week on Gossip Girl: Chuck requests a raincheck until B’s back down to a 25-inch waist. (Kidding!)
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