With the “Freshman Dinner” speech up for grabs, Blair OD’s on Self-Pity Pie after learning her competition for the spotlight is the outer borough vixen, Vanessa. Blair awakes from a Bette Davis-infused nightmare all about wearing expensive La Perla and a bag of cheap tricks. Chuck comforts her. It’s obvious, almost endearing, how strong their (sick) puppy love really is.
Serena visits Nate at some random campaign headquarters where his cuz’ is running for congress. Serena should run for the hills because Nate (and his brows) tell her that Carter will soon be working off his debt on an oil rig in the Gulf of Mexico, thanks to those bastardly Buckleys. Poor thing! Nate and Serena cook up a plan to free Carter, involving a high stakes poker game and a low-cut dress… but Nate has an ulterior motive.
With Olivia back from Japan, complete with the tackiest gifts since The Chia-pet, Dan invites her to Freshman Dinner, avec the fam. He debates this decision with Vanessa, who also has internal dilemnas about bringing her yuppie-scum-hating parents, with their overly-opinionated disgust with junk food, Perez Hilton, and private school education.
The speech is 99 percent promised to Vanessa, which infuriates Blair. She tries to blackmail Josh Ellis (the corny closet case who decides which chick gets the podium) by manipulating Chuck into man-seducing him. In an act of fearless love and devotion, Chuck smooches the slimy suit--hardly the homoerotic moment the media has been waiting for. The plan works and Ellis is caught in the act by Blair.
For a second it seems she has her gay cake and can eat it too. But the meows don’t even matter. In the end, Blair’s plan is revealed in a covert operation during which she accidentally screams her mega-bitchiness into a megaphone. The plan is derailed. The suddenly sensitive Chuck feels betrayed.
Olivia ends up with the honors, being so famous and nice and friendly. Plus, she’s crushing on Dan big time and wants to impress his folks. This after she almost blows it by acting like a total Hollywood horror show. See, Vanessa got so psycho about winning back the speech that she planted a seed saying Dan was embarrassed to bring a movie star. Olivia got all Lindsay Lohan just to prove her point.
After looking like the cut-throat Mean Girl she never wanted to morph into, Vanessa invites her mother for some kiss-and-make-up croissants, which boho-mamma is definitely not showing for. When she’s official blown off by her ‘rents, Vanessa looks defeated. But don’t you worry. Who joins her for carbs and commiseration!?! Blair. . . Bon Appetit!