Gossip Girl

Wait. Blair made Dan — who she had a secret thing with — publicly pretend to date her, so she could have a secret thing with Louis, even though she really wanted to go public with him? Whew. Normally these recaps are for people who missed the episode, but tonight’s ep is so complicated that you may need a refresher in prose form even if you watched it. Twice. And took notes. Ready? We’ll lay out the evening’s intrigue as clearly as we can.

Blair (Leighton Meester) is all aflutter at the prospect of dating Prince Louis (Hugo Becker). The one thing harshing her buzz is that Louis doesn’t want to go public: His family thinks she’s too common to for him. Um, hello? Shiny-haired commoner is the new royalty. Blair and Louis try to keep things on the down low, but they’re soon found out because Louis’ handler Lucien hired Dan (who thought it was a journalism job) to keep an eye on them. Blair tries to save her fairytale with a good old-fashioned scheme, roping in a penitent Dan to pose as her boyfriend so Lucien will think she and Louis are just buddies.

But! Serena (Blake Lively), who was tipped off about Dan and Blair’s kiss last week by Vanessa (Jessica Szohr), enlists Charlie (Kaylee DeFer) to stalk them to see if it’s true. Long story short, Serena ends up convinced that Dan and Blair have been sneaking around behind her back, and Dan and Blair’s fake kiss ends up all over Gossip Girl. Who was the agent of all that chaos and misunderstanding? New girl Charlie, who somehow has yet to go “Y’all crazy and it’s cold here,” and head back to Florida.

Meanwhile, in Chuck’s apartment, no one goes to parties anymore. Instead, they just hang out in bathrobes and are sad about their parents. Raina (Tika Sumpter) and Nate (Chace Crawford) are trying to find Raina’s mom. “Funny story, she’s dead and my dad killed her,” Chuck does not say. Instead, he breakfasts on scotch and sadness and pursues his own investigation into Avery Thorpe’s whereabouts. Raina thinks she’s found her mom when she tracks down a Jersey waitress by the same name, but a trip across the river yields nothing — the woman claims not to have children. Chuck’s own PI gets more solid results — a security tape from the night of the fire that shows Bart arguing with Avery before she disappears into the doomed building, never to be heard from again. Ten bucks says the woman from the tape is the waitress.

You know who should really commit more felonies? Lily (Kelly Rutherford). Because it’s turning her into a total badass. She’s under house arrest and in total denial — she thinks she can continue to reign supreme on the Upper East Side from within the range of her ankle bracelet. After her UES posse of skinny blondes (including Nate’s mom) diss her, Rufus (Matt Settle) does manage to successfully blackmail them into having this week’s fancy party at Lily’s place, but after one too many snotty remarks, Lily is all “Eff this noise,” and deliberately sets off her bracelet so the cops will come shut the shindig down. That’s our girl! Maybe she should embrace this side of herself and build a criminal empire. Finally, an activity she and Jenny (Taylor Momsen) could do together.

Dan and Blair finally come clean to S, but it’s too late: She and Blair are well into their semi-annual giant jealous fume-fest. Those two are more possessive of each other than they’d allow any boy to be. Dan slinks back to Brooklyn to give the conniving Vanessa a very cold, very satisfying diss, telling her their friendship is over for good. He ends up drinking with Charlie and admits to her that he has feelings for Blair, while Charlie spills that she, too, has recently been dumped. Hmm, anyone we know? Queen B huffs off with her prince, who, after demanding to know that she’s serious about him (after one day? Get over yourself, Louis!) decides to go public with their relationship. Blair’s got her fairytale, but she’s got a couple excess princes to deal with. How will Sir Dan of DUMBO and Baron Von Bass react to her new paramour? Prediction: Dan will mope; Chuck will leave a horse’s head in Louis’ bed and/or buy his country.

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