Oh, Gossip Girl! How we missed ye! Your schemes! Your lies! Your tricksters and your whiny, spoiled UES mamas! (We're lookin' at you, Lily...). It's good to have you back, old pal, and in such fine Season 5, Episode 18, "Con-Heir" form, if we do say! The Dair/Chair debate is over for the time being (Humphrey having won this round), and we're goin' headfirst into some very promising storylines — like Chuck (Ed Westwick) looking contemplative while drinking whiskey! We digress.
Without further ado, let's get our recap on!
We'll start with those delightful lovers Dan (Penn Badgley) and Blair (Leighton Meester), who apparently haven't been able to catch a break... For weeks. Thwarted at every turn in their efforts to consummate their new, budding relaysh, B arrives at casa de Humphrey in Brooklyn to woo her man! (That's real dedication for the Queen B) One problem: It's brunch time with Danny boy's fam! Awkwarddd! Made all the more awkward by the fact that Blair consumes her breakfast in a gold trench because she's totes vixen-ed out with lingerie underneath it! The duo rushes the parental units outta the way to get.busy. But then... Cabbage Patch dolls are staring them down (Humphrey even has a name for his). And alarms are sounding! D'oh! Buzzkill central.
Across the park, Chuck Bass is thankfully completely unaware of what's afoot in the lives of Dair (though perhaps he'd get some pleasure out of it, no?). Sidebar: We’d love to see Chuck’s face if and when he ever finds out Humphrey has a Cabbage Patch doll named Cedric.
Anyway, Chuck's busy heaping praise on his semi-slimy uncle, Jack (Desmond Harrington). Seems C and J have been busy cavorting with slinky models – if you're surprised at this point by that fact, well, please refer to seasons 1-4 – and Chuck is getting ready to dedicate a new wing of hospital in honor of Jack's good deed donating the blood that saved his life. There's just one little hiccup in all this and thaaat... Is that Uncle Jack, he of questionable decision-making and all-around trouble-makin', has apparently contracted Hep C (he jokes later it was from Pam Anderson, yeesh), and is unable to donate blood. Cue classic pondering Chuck Bass head tilt! Swoon.
C-Bass's good pal Nate (Chace Crawford) is having some head-tilty moments too! Dude's brand-new media venture is goin' down. The Spectator is looking for a new partner, and Nate is sealing the deal with Generic Middle-Aged UES-Type Dude, whom he takes before Serena (Blake Lively) so she can bat her eyes – and she does (good girl, S!), but she's also a little distracted by THAT GOSSIP GIRL LAPTOP.
S wastes absolutely no time sending out her first blast about a shindig goin' down at Ivy's new pad. (Seems she might have at least thought about taking over for GG – her nemesis for YEARS – for a few minutes, but it's instead literally a matter of SECONDS before she pushes SEND! Drunk with power much?). Yesss, Ivy's throwing a party at her new digs – aka Lily's old digs – in honor of CeCe and she's enlisted William to help her beef up the guest list. William... who is apparently playing both sides of the situation. He offers to help Ivy if she'll pay him, which he's hoping to use as evidence against her in Lily's case. (Bribing the executor of a will giving you millions of buckeroos? BAD IDEA, IVY!). Then, Lola overhears and tells Nate, who tells Serena, and before the check can be written by the in-over-her-dang-head Ms. Dickens... S's SECOND GG blast hits everyone's phone and she ruins everything. (Think before you blast, Serena!)
Down in the lobby while all this is going on is our dearest Dair. Both drunk off their you-knows. Did we mention that the duo had another ill-fated go of it in a classy hotel room? Maybe we didn't because we are still trying to block it out. (PAINFUL.) Did we mention they both whined to their respective BFFs – or anyway, their respective BFFs not hopelessly entangled in their love-crushing 'ship, meaning Dan went to Nate and Blair to... Dorota – and got DRUNK? Yes, that happened. And the result? (Drunk) love in an elevaaatorrrrrr! Note to kiddos at home: Don't try this at home. But alas, the good 'ship Dair did in fact... sail... and... um... skillfully? (But the question does remain: What happens when the duo sobers up?? Ugh.)
Speaking of sobering up, after Serena's reign as GG has foiled her fam's plans to regain their millions, she turns to Lola to admit to everyone that she saw the bribe being set forth between Ivy and William. Lola resists – girl's already mastered her moody, UES b**chface, man! – but eventually decides to come forward to help her family. There's even a little tiny speech about it. Cut to Ivy: DYING ON THE INSIDE, before turning to big ol' hunk of really expensive cake after the party guests clear out. Eat on, Ivs! You got nothin' to lose.
Just like your fake-cousin Serena who... BOOM, LOSES HER JOB after dropping the info about the Ivy story in the GG post. Has anyone ever seen Nate Archibald as fired up as he was while firing Serena? DAAAAANG! That was brutal. And we liked it! Is Nate finally getting his groove back?
MEANWHILE (have we used that one already? Chuck seriously needs to join his friends, okay?), Chuck tricks Jack into admitting he can't donate blood (something about a child actor and a money exchange – use your words, Chuck! It's cheaper!). Jack lies AGAIN and tells Chuck that it was his fake non-mom Elizabeth (of Season 3 dramz) who supplied the life-saving transfusion. At ep's end, Chuck is hell-bent on finding Elizabeth again.
But we have a sneaking suspicion she isn't the one he needs to track down. We think maybe the lady he seeks is a'ready on her way in. Because as Uncle Jack leaves, he makes a phoneee call, and in the nexttt moment Nate's lawyer calls to tell him a new offer is on the table from a paper-saving new investor... by the name of... Diana Payneee! Dun dun dunnnnnn!