Mornings on the Upper East Side always start out so innocently, with the sun peaking over the top of Central Park. But trouble is a-brewin' on the Gossip Girl Season 5 finale... and for every single one of our fave elite Manhattanites...
While Serena tries to restart her working relationship with David O. Russell, Blair is on the warpath because excerpts from her diary are appearing on Gossip Girl. S is to blame, but if she's be believed, she also feels awful. (We know better, of course — girl is crazy these days!)
In Brooklyn, Rufus and Dan are moody over the state of their relationships. And Lily — why, Lily is looking disheveled in a bathrobe as she reads about her ex-hubs being back from the dead (of note: drink in hand).
The goods from Blair's diary keep spillin. Up next: Some serious trash-talk about her mother, Eleanor. Mama E takes it in stride, as B mobilizes her minions to figure out how stop to the madness.
Meanwhile, Lola has money woes. Though she’s been offered a part on the national tour of Wicked, Nate wants her to crash at his man-pad for the summer. (It's not immediately clear if Nate remembers that he is actually a guest in Chuck's home...) Lo chats with her daddio, William, and learns that Carol is in jail over this whole fraud business.
Elsewhere, Lily the Morning Drinker is married to two men and has to decide which one it's gonna be! Then GG blass a confession of love aimed at Mr. Chuck Bass. Will B ever love Dan as much as she loves Chuck? (Oh, Lonely Boy!)
Blair calls in Penelope to do damage control, and in this case that means getting the scandalous about Serena and taking her down. (Places to start: that dude that overdosed that one time, that boarding school teacher, her drug days, etc.) B heads to Dan’s. He’s seen the blast thanks to a tip from Serena, who told him to not look... right. Then Dan and Blair share a scene that Dair 'shippers will replay over and over again. It's bitter. It's sweet. And somewhere Chuck Bass is smiling. (No, really, he is. He saw that blast, yo.)
Meanwhile: Lola gets Carol's half of CeCe's estate; now Nate really wants her to move in. Rufus gets Bart to sign some annulment papers, without Lily’s consent. Serena gets her invite to the David O. Russell party rescinded, just as another big of Blair’s diary goes out saying C-Bass deserves to be forever alone.
Cue a massive girl-fight between B and S that confirms what we've known all along — they secretly hate each other! Serena thinks Blair is still in love with Chuck and won't admit it. Blair tells Serena that she hasn't evolved past high school. (Preach.) Then Blair kicks her bestie to the curb. We hear Nate is looking for a roommate...
Then the Bass men bro-down. They talk about Lily and Bart reminds Chuck that "nobody does a grand romantic gesture better than a Bass." The next scene sees Lily receiving signed copies of annulment papers from Bart. Lola snoops a bit and calls up Lily's legal council.
Blair apologizes to Chuck for her diary comments, but he tells her it's no big deal and he'd never hold ancient history against her. Aww! Ding-ding, it’s an ultimatum text from Dan Humphrey!
With an evil look in her eye, Serena intersects Penelope and takes control of the minions. Bart and Chuck chit-chat again, and Bart hands over that gorgeous engagement ring that Chuck left sitting on the steps of Harry Winston. He tells Chuck that he was at Harry Winston the other day, and they "had it in the vault" (these people!). A minion takes a pic, and Dan gets insecure.
Blair tells Eleanor that she's "heading for a reckoning: Dan or Chuck." She feels strong and safe with Dan, but Chuck "made her happier than she's ever been." Eleanor is sympathetic, but yadda, yadda, yadda, she wants Blair to take over her company.
This next part we don't like... but we saw it coming. Serena tells Dan that B will always love Chuck. And then she professes her love for the Brooklyn boy and goes in for the kiss. Do we officially hate Serena yet?
Lily knows all about Rufus’s shady dealings, and she rips up the papers that Bart signed. Speaking of Daddy Bass, at a press conference, he tells the world that, a, he’s alive, and b, he’s now the sole face of Bass Industries! What the Chuck! Blair shows up in time to see Chuck’s sad face. She’s made her choice, and it’s Bass all the way. Interspersed are flashes of Serena and Dan getting down in the bar’s back room.
In case you were confused by the press conference, Bart tells Chuck that he's out. Bart accuses Chuck of being willing to throw everything away for a girl who is perpetually toying with him. Giving Chuck the ring back was a trap, and he was only trying to prove that Chuck's priorities are whack.
Dan realizes that Serena was recording their hook up to hurt Blair. "I don't know who you are anymore,” he tells his former dream girl.
Blair goes to Chuck to tell him that she chooses him, but Chuck's ego is blown. "I always put you first. And you bet against me every time. Now I have nothing … I don't want to be Mr. Blair Waldorf. I'm Chuck Bass,” says Chuck Bass.
A lot has happened in the intervening week. Lola has decided to leave for the summer, and Nate is staying at The Spectator. Lo is also donating her estate to Ivy. The terms of the transfer: Ivy has to take Lily down. Lily annuls her marriage to Rufus and decides to stay with Bart. (WTH.)
Serena shows up in Brooklyn to try to win Dan over, but Dan is packing and tells Serena he wants nothing to do with her. "Now that our parents are splitting up, I never have to see you again,” says Dan. Touche, Mr. Humphrey, touche.
Diana Payne sends Nate a video of "Gossip Girl," a person wearing all black who was caught on tape taking Serena’s laptop from the party. Dan meets with Georgina Sparks (!) and the two plan to write a book exposing the real Upper East Side.
A strange dude (this one!) sits down next to Serena on a train, hands over a vile of questionable contents, and starts randomly kissing her neck. Sound familiar? This is the old Serena.
Think it’s over? Nope. Blair shows up at the far-away card table where Jack — who’s also been cut from the family biz — and Chuck are counting cards at (naturally). "You fought for me all year. I've come to fight for you. This time, I'm all in,” she tells her former flame. The only question? Is Chuck?
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