Well this was a heckuva kick-off to our Valentine's Day! How 'bout yours?! Love proved one elusive lady in tonight's ep of Gossip Girl, entitled "Crazy, Cupid, Love," and the hits... they just kept on a-comin'!
Let's get our recap on...
Valentine's Day on the Upper East Side starts with a warning from Gossip Girl that she's about to unleash the motherrr of all secrets upon the worlddd — which leaves us to ponder a) if Dan Humphrey (Penn Badgley) is headed to the doghouse of one Blair Waldorf (Leighton Meester) and b) if it's totally bizarre to anyone else that Gossip Girl's "voice" hasn't changed even though her author has? Errr, uhhh...
Blair returns from her "honeymoon" and, having decided that her own romantic prospects are null and void (by which we mean, "locked in a loveless marriage and under the watchful eye of a royal minion"), sets out to perk up the V Day of two of her fave people by playing a very pro-Derena cupid. (Groannn.) Just one problem, while Serena (Blake Lively) is crazy, stupid in love with Dan Humphrey, the Humps... well, he's big on Blair herself. (Duhhh, yes, this we knew! AND SIDENOTE: Doesn't Serena fully know that Dan loves Blair?! SHE DOES! Why can't she leave Dan to love who he wants and let the object of his affection decide for herself what she thinks, judgment freeee!? We're freakin'... Freakin' exhausteddd by this, that is!) If you were thinking to yourself, "Hmm, this won't end well," you are one real genius.
Elsewhere... Georgina (Michelle Trachtenberg) schemes and ends up making Nate (Chace Crawford) throw a party in order to get Blair there so she can unveil the culprit behind that wedding-ruining video. Nate schemes and ends up getting Lola as a cater waiter at the Empire. (And let's face it, if dude weren't so pretty, we'd be worried about his apparent stalker tendencies.) Dan schemes in order to save himself from being outed as the source of the video.
ALL THE WHILE, these people should allllll be learning a valuable lesson from Ivy Dickens (Kaylee DeFer): SCHEMIN' DON'T MAKE FRIENDS.
Ivy returns in all her glory — as per usual, sounding as if she's been yelling over the din of a loud rock club — in an effort to find Lily to confess her secrets. Or, as it turns out, likely to tell Lily that CeCe is on her deathbed. Turns out Charlie's been hanging with Grandma Ce in the Hamptons while she gets sicker and sicker, but she's not able to tell Lily that because... Lily is incommunicado/loved-up with Rufus? (These people are like our parents at this point, so forgive us if we're not going to think much more on THAT. But seriously, what DID happen to these two in the ep's latter half?)
But in her search for Lily, Ivy stumbles upon an old pal! Named Charlotte Rhodes! Oh yeah, things get hella awkward. And increasingly so when Nate explains to REAL Charlie that FAKE Charlie had to go by "Ivy Dickens" because her crazy mama in Florida made her. (And seriously, we mean... gawd, of course poor Nate "Master of the Face-Palm" Archibald has to play this role.) What happens next here? We suggest a a good ol' fashioned popularity contest... wherein Nate gets all the votes. (i.e. Peace out, Ivy.)
BUT LET'S TALK ABOUT WHAT REALLY MATTERS.
YES, WE'RE TALKING ABOUT DAIR. Dair happened, guys. Blair told Dan he is wonderful (SWOON!), and she baaasically said she loved him (DOUBLE SWOON... don't fight it, she said S would love him if he behaved the way he's been behaving around her... that's love. It just is!), and there was also a moment in which B unbuttoned Dan's shirt where we may or may not have been yelling "OMGOMG!" at our television screens. So, yeah, DAIR SOOOO HAPPENED. And for about two seconds, it was amazzzing, wasn't it?! AMAZING. And then STUPID Georgina and MOPEY McMoperson Serena had to ruin the moment with their cell phone pics and shocked expressions. But that kiss. THAT KISS. Magic, guys. Maaagic.
And though Blair drove off saying that she could never hurt Serena by dating Dan, and Dan ended up walking down the street all by his lonesome, well... that preview for next week and ALL THE KISSING told us what we need to know. DAIR is COMIN'.