Gossip Girl

Bet you thought Russell Thorpe’s Blair-napping would occupy the whole finale, didn’t you? Wrong! Russell is still just as bad at murdering people as he was 20 years ago. Blair’s daring rescue is just the beginning of this twisty, turny season finale. Let’s get to the rest.

Chuck (Ed Westwick) searches frantically for Blair (Leighton Meester), especially once he hears that Nate (Chace Crawford) told Raina (Tika Sumpter) the truth about her father. Blair is halfway across town at Chuck’s new hotel, where Russell has her locked up while he plays with a lighter, patiently waiting for the gas leak he created to fill the cavernous hotel and ignite, even though the hotel is only half-done and doesn’t seem remotely airtight. See? Super bad at murdering. His ineptitude gives Blair time to sneakily call Chuck, who races over with Nate and Raina. Raina tearfully tells her father she forgives him until he lets her have the lighter. The second it’s in her hand, she’s all, “You’re going to jail and I’m never visiting you.” Cold! Raina’s awesome.

Back at the Constance party, the hunt is on for another wayward soul. Vanessa (Jessica Szohr) and Serena (Blake Lively) reluctantly team up to warn Dan (Penn Badgley) about her craziness, and he’s like, “Way ahead of you.” Charlie (Kaylee DeFer) sends them all a suicide-y text, so they split up to go look for her so she doesn’t jump out the window — but not before spurning Georgina’s (Michelle Trachtenberg) offer of help, probably because they think she’d give Charlie a push.

Yes, G is back in town, and married, and bored, and itching to get in on the latest scheme. When they won’t let her help, she ends up seeing quite a bit of Charlie anyway, but keeps her mouth shut. More on that later.

A shaken Blair agrees to get a drink with Chuck before returning to face Louis (Hugo Becker). She and Chuck stumble into a bar mitzvah, where they can party anonymously because “No one Gossip Girl writes about is here” (why? Is Gossip Girl antisemitic?). They have such a good time dancing and getting hoisted in chairs that Blair pulls him into a closet to have sex. Hope no one walks in on them. That would traumatize any rabbi.

Vanessa goes to look for Charlie at the loft. Instead she finds a manuscript — a scathing satire of Upper East Side life by Daniel Humphrey. She calls him and begs him to publish it, but Dan demurs, since the people he’s skewered are now his best friends, lovers, and family (and in many cases all three). Vanessa steals the manuscript.

Raina decides to ditch Nate and move back to Chicago. Nate is sad for 10 seconds before a text from Serena summons him back to Constance. Serena has been doing some soul searching. While looking for Charlie, she’s found time for chats with her former principal and those weird little girls about how her life is kind of disappointing and boring. When S finally finds Charlie on the ledge of an upstairs window, she admits she kind of sucks, and Charlie’s like, “OK then,” and hops safely back into the room.

So yay, right? Not so fast. Crazy Charlie loses the crazy the moment the gang’s eyes are off her. She calls someone to say, “It went perfectly.” Georgina spots this weirdness and is like, “Yay! A friend!” She tells Charlie to look her up if she ever comes back to Manhattan.

Blair tells Chuck she’ll dump Louis for him — she loves Louis and he makes her happy, but her love for Chuck is dark and twisted and overwhelming and who needs happiness? Chuck, perhaps realizing how creepy this sounds coming from the girl he beat up two weeks ago, decides to push her back into Louis’s arms. After a tearful goodbye, she goes.

Three weeks later, everyone’s leaving town. Blair’s headed for the Monaco royal yacht to plan a  November wedding. Dan looks a little sad to see her go, but decides to light out for the Hamptons with Eric (Connor Paolo). Serena heads for sunny California, where she promptly meets a young, cute assistant producer on the boardwalk, schools him on her favorite Fitzgerald novel, and steals his job. Yep! We’re sure breaking into Hollywood is that easy.

Vanessa is on her way to study in Barcelona, but she makes time to sell out her oldest friend one before she goes. She meets with an editor and gives him Dan’s book. She at least has the grace to take his name off it, but we’re sure that’ll be little comfort to Dan once everyone notices that the main character is a bitter Brooklynite with a thing for his stepsister and sister who happens to be a pantsless goth. Eesh. Good riddance, V.

And one last little bird flies the coop: Charlie’s met at the bus station by her mom Carol. Who isn’t her mom. Because “Charlie” is actually an actress named Ivy, who Carol hired to get a hold of Charlie’s trust fund without involving her actual daughter, whose whereabouts we don’t learn. We’re guessing Ivy will be back though — she held onto a few trust fund checks, as well as Georgina’s phone number. Also Kaylee DeFer is a series regular. So we’ll see her — and you guys — in the fall!

Oh, and someone’s preggers. XOXO!

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