This week Gossip Girl is all about growing up. The time comes in every young man or woman’s life when he or she has to put aside childish things and decide whether to sell her baby to her Eurotrash in-laws (Blair), spy on his friends to advance his career (Nate), or pout at an ex ‘til he does her a favor so she can climb the professional ladder (Serena). On the Upper East Side, apparently that time is age 20. These people do know Columbia’s not a community college, right?
The new Spectator site is about to launch when Gossip Girl sends out a blast tattling on Diana (Elizabeth Hurley) for her grand theft cellular two weeks back. Diana’s forced to push back the launch and demands that Ivy and Nate find her a scoop. They’re both at a bit of a loss, since Ivy doesn’t want to betray her new family and Nate can’t talk about anything but JFK Jr. for some reason. They both get a break when Ivy shoos Rufus and Lily off to the Waldorfs’ Yom Kippur party.
Said party is already a hotbed of intrigue. Louis and Blair have finally told their families the joyous tidings, although Blair’s high-waisted pants would have told the tale on their own. No way would a Waldorf wear such a thing except for bump camouflage.
Louis’ mom is initially thrilled, until Beatrice starts pouring poison in her ear about how Blair won’t want to raise the baby in Monaco, which turns out to be true. Huh. We’re kind of with Princess Sophie on this one. English people would probably be pretty pissed if Kate Middleton decided to bring up her future kids in Texas or something. Anyway, Beatrice meets up with Diana, who convinces her to use the incident to drive a wedge between her mother and Louis. But that would require an elaborate scheme predicated on an easily resolved misunderstanding and inflexibility on everyone’s part! However will she pull it off?
Serena, meanwhile, is smiling through clenched teeth and pretending she doesn’t hate Dan’s guts to try to get the film rights to his book. Dan cheerfully basks in her unearned forgiveness, and even halfway promises her the rights, but then announces on TV that he’s going with Harvey Weinstein. Jane’s boss hilariously nails her ass to the wall, telling her that she’s just like “Sabrina” in Dan’s book — if something isn’t handed to her, she has no clue how to work for it. Burn!
Also being hilariously and coldly nailed? Chuck (Ed Westwick), though not in the way he’d prefer. C pursues a woman he meets at a dog park who turns out to be a therapist. He makes an appointment in order to flirt with her. You know, we’ve seen this plot in a lot of shows, and it makes no damn sense. Shrinks can’t date their patients! But they do still date! Like humans! They like wine, and movies, and apparently dogs — so bond with her over literally anything but her job! Apparently we have strong feelings about this!
Anyway, Chuck turns into a big gross goof over the comely Dr. Eliza Barnes, who turns him down cold. We are fond of Dr. Eliza. We hope she never sleeps with Chuck. Pretty sure she’s gonna.
Blair decides to move to Monaco, but Team Monaco decides it’s not enough and has a huge draconian contract drawn up, stipulating, among other things, that if Blair comes to New York for more than 48 hours she could lose custody of the baby. Hmm! Pretty sure that’s against American law, which will protect Blair and her baby. Also pretty sure we could take Monaco in a war, so go ahead and sign, B.
Louis, however, is more than a little alarmed over all this, and puts a stop to it. Sophie tells him that he shouldn’t forsake them for the secretive Blair, and he retorts that he knows all her secrets now. Oh, Louis. Have you noticed how you say that every week? And it’s never true?
Nate and Ivy go snooping through Lily’s safe, where they find those dossiers on the Van Der Bassphreys Bart compiled before they died. Nate convinces her not to turn them over to Diana, but she secretly does anyway, which might be Ivy’s biggest mistake ever — not because she sells her family out, but because she didn’t look in the dossiers. Turns out Bart’s folder contained something Diana doesn’t want getting out: A picture of Diana. Is she Chuck’s real mom? His long lost sister? Bart, post-op? The possibilities!
Serena, more pissed at Dan than ever, decides that if she can’t have him — er, his book — no one can. She leaks that her boss got the film rights to Inside, scaring off all the other potential buyers. Dan goes to see her, furious, and she tells him she was mad about the book because he was the love of her life. Dan, hilariously, gapes and does not reciprocate at all. He’s like “....We’re young! Who knows who our soulmates are! Could be anyone! Here, have some film rights.” We rarely say this, but: Well played, Serena.
All is well in Blair-and-Louisland — as far as she knows. Actually, he’s found that envelope with her paternity test results, and he’s agonizing over whether to open it. And who does he call to help him decide? Dr. Eliza Barnes. Hey, Dr. E! Don’t sleep with him either.
Oh, by the way, remember how Rufus was pissed at Dan? He forgave him. Though Dan didn’t sell him the rights to anything. Matthew Settle must have a pretty relaxing schedule these days.
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