It’s morning on the UES and Nate (Chace Crawford) and Sage (Sophia Black-D’Elia) and Serena (Blake Lively) and Steven (Barry Watson)are cuddled up together. Everyone disregards the morning breathage and makes out. Et cetera.
As for Dan? Well, he’s sleeping on Georgina’s couch, with G watching him slumber. “I thought we agreed you’d stop watching me sleep,” Dan says. “I lied. I’m letting you stay here for free. There has to be something in it for me,” G replies.
B wakes up alone and calls out to Dorota, saying it’s WWD day, which we can only assume stands for Women’s Wear Daily. Blair says they have to take the fashion world by storm — breakfast, shower, atelier. Sounds like a Tuesday to us!
Chuck and his terrible new haircut ignore a call from Lily. He and Amira have spent weeks looking into his father’s dealings without finding anything, so Amira tells C she’s heading back to Dubai to be with her fiancé. Chuck argues that there has to be something worth the $10 million hidden just out of reach. He invites Amira to brunch with Lily and Bart with the idea that he will drop names and see how Bart reacts. It seems kind of lame for a Chuck-league scam, but we’re optimistic.
S tells Steven he should come fashionably late to a Gala at the Central Park Conservancy, which she’s hosting. Also of note: Barry Watson is old.
Dorota takes Blair to her atelier. Her new samples are lovely, but B is in a sitch because, as Dorota aptly mentions (she’s the aptest), the designers, seamstresses, models, etc., are in Paris — and that makes it a little difficult for B to explain to the WWD folks what’s going on with the line.
Blair’s minions enter looking like Rainbow Brite barfed on them in Forever neon prints — and B gives them costumes and sends them off to get better dressed. (It seems that for all Blair’s past scheming prowess, without Chuck, she is just a primetime prankster.)
Dan and Georgina (who’s carrying a chain purse) walk through Central Park and talk about Rufus and Ivy boning. Dan has been dropped from his agent and Simon & Schuster rejected his new book. G says that revenge is a dish best served serialized, so they’re instead going to publish his book chapter by chapter in a magazine. G says, “Can’t wait to start burning bridges with you.” She has such a charitable way of connecting to people.
At the VDWs’, Lily, Bart, Amira, and Chuck are gathered around a table covered in a ridiculous amount of food. There are also servers — looks like our typical Sunday! Chuck tries to bait Bart by saying Amira talked about him to someone. Bart responds terrifyingly: “I doubt very much Amira discusses her work with you. She seems like an intelligent woman, who understands that her livelihood — if not her life itself — depends on her discretion.” Lily is wearing a beautiful deep purple dress which seems to block her from noticing interactions around her.
Amira leaves the table and Bart makes an excuse to follow her, then threatens her, insisting she leave the country. “Our weekend together’s cost me enough,” Bart says as he gets in the elevator.
Back in Waldorfia, Kati is wearing a disgusting tube halter that looks like it’s from the Cheeseburger in Paradise line of Walmart stores — and an equally repulsive headband. Nelly Yuki enters, looking amazing in a gorgeous black tailored double-breasted dress, hipster frames, and a Dior bag. Blair has her back to her and calls her all sorts of bad things when Kati mentions her name because she doesn’t understand she’s actually there-there and not just being talked about. Blair tries to kick her out, not understanding that Nelly is the Women’s Wear Daily reporter.
Nate and Serena are walking down the street, looking a little matchy, but in a hot catalog-sorta way. Serena is wearing the most beautiful royal blue dress ever created (Blake Lively wears dresses like a champ — keep this in mind as a platform for comparison). Nate is apparently sponsoring the Gala via The Spectator. Serena tells N not to invite Blair. “I’m not mad, I’m maturing.” S gushes about Steven. Nate says he likes Sage a whole lot.
Back in the Atelier, Blair and her bimbo brigade sit on one side and Nelly Yuki sits across the table, poised to write scathing things about her former fuhrer. Nelly Yuki (it’s impossible to refer to her by only her first name) says “Once I got into Yale, I realized I didn’t have to dress like you anymore.” Blair lies and says her clothes are MIA and Nelly calls her out. B says that she’s trying to protect her line from Nelly’s bias. Nelly reveals her article is called “Society Goes Sartorial” and will feature Waldorf designs next to Poppy Lifton’s new collection. Blair smartly sends her unbearable minions off to do recon on her competitor.
At The Spectator office, N tells Dan he wants to publish his book in the paper (and other platforms). Dan says he’s flattered but that G is in charge of the business. Dan leaves. Nate declines Sage’s phone call.
The awful minions (whose outfits seem to have gotten even worse) enter and tell Blair that Poppy is using the same fabric as Blair is in her line. Blair believes that Nelly is sabotaging her and says that Poppy’s dresses will never be photographed.
Dan and Georgina stop in the offices of Vanity Fair, New York Magazine, and The Nation. All of them say the book is great — but that the magazines could all face libel suits if they publish it as-is, with names and everything. Dan says “What’s the point of an exposé if you’re not going to expose everything?” G says that they’re willing to pay for the version that works for them and that the moolah will get them out of Brooklyn.
Chuck (wearing two stripes and a printed tie) grills Amira. He demands every bit of info she can provide about the weekend and says that she can have her money and leave the country once he has what he wants from her.
Serena goes to see Lily, who wants to meet Steven. S tells her mom that Steven seems to be cheating on her and Lily must be on some excellent quaaludes because she says “Oh, I’m so sorry, Darling.” Is there a carbon monoxide leak on set? Everyone is like one beat too slow on the uptake. Steven texts Serena to say he is going to be able to make the Gala afterward and Serena says. “how am I supposed to face him knowing he was with someone else?” Lily says “With a smile. That’s the difference between being a grown up and in high school.”
Sage calls Nate saying “Wow, I didn’t have you figured for the voicemail breakup douche. What changed since I left your bed this morning?” Nate tells Sage he found out she was lying and she wants to come over but he says no. She buys a dress instead. It’s probably going to be made of chains.
At the Gala, Serena wears a dress made of a curtain-bedsheet-dust ruffle-duvet cover-throw pillow. It is daytime and there are green lanterns hanging (a Ryan Reynolds reference?). Steven arrives and Serena is awkward and walks off. Georgina and Dan arrive and G’s dress is amazing and her lipstick and hair are gorgeous and her necklace is made out of a stripper heel.
Serena and Steven are nicing with someone and she spots Sage arrive. Nate sees Sage and looks less than thrilled.
Blair talks to her minions (they are still dressed like extras on Hart of Dixie) and they tell her they sent four of the models to the wrong place. Chuck’s hair is horrible and he approaches B, saying he got a text from her. B says she didn’t send him one and Chuck realizes who did and runs off. B says “Hurry, the sooner you go, the sooner you can come back — in the grander sense.” Deep, guys.
Nelly approaches Dan and says “I had high hopes for you. How can the smartest boy at St. Jude’s still want what he can’t have.” Nelly tells Dan that he needs to get over trying to get into the inside. B approaches Nelly and G grabs Dan away.
Back at Chuck’s, Bart is leaning against a pool table. Amira is gone and Bart has broken into Chuck’s safe and given her the money.
Nate and Sage have made up and are kissing. Steven approaches and says Sage needs to leave with him. Sage says no and she and Nate kiss again. Steven punches Nate in the face. S walks up and accuses Steven of humiliating her to defend “that slut.” Steven says that Sage is 17 years old. And his daughter. Hmm.
Steven tells Sage to say her goodbyes. Sage tells Nate she wants to go bone now. Nate says “I’m pretty sure you’re grounded.” Sage points out that their age difference is less than that of S and Steven -- or Nate and Diana Payne.
S tells Steven she’s upset that they spent months together and he never mentioned he had a child. (How did that work, exactly?) He points out that he didn’t even know her real name... Word, Barry Watson.
At Chuck’s, Bart has a bunch of papers in his hand. He tells Chuck, “you need to stop this childish nonsense.” C says “You’re the one who faked the text from Blair.” Bart suggests a truce. “It would make Lily happy. She’s upset you’re trying to destroy our marriage.” (Seriously, is it quaaludes?)
Chuck points out that there had to be something pretty serious if it caused Bart to fake his own death. Bart offers him some Bass properties so they can call themselves a family again. Chuck says it’s too late for that because Bart took everything from him again and again. “Now I’m going to find your secret, and take everything from you.” Bart says “maybe it’s not too late to find Blair and help her with those errands.”
Blair is confronting Poppy and Nelly. Nelly and Poppy tell her they met for the first time that day and aren’t conspiring about anything. Nelly says “All I did was set up the article and let you do what you always do — implode.” Poppy and Blair both say Nelly shouldn’t write about B (for different reasons obviously). B gets escorted out by security.
At the atelier, there are people making clothes. “A few from Paris, a few from the Fashion District... a few Project Runway rejects.” Blair’s dress is gorgeous and understated. B says she only has one chance to make an impression and Dorota adds that it’s at a fashion show for buyers next week (oh, hello Episode 3 plotline!) Blair takes some people to Mood to get a new inspiration fabric.
Dan enters Nate’s office. He has turned down a Vanity Fair offer and left Blair’s couch. Nate promises to print Dan’s story word for word. N points out that he’ll prob lose some friends and family over it. Dan says that his “friends” chased his sister out of town (poor old raccoon eyes) and chose a guy who traded her for a hotel over him, and his family is sleeping with a con artist. “I’m not losing anything here — I’m taking what’s mine.”
Chuck opens an envelope from Amira with a picture in it and a note that says “Chuck — I found this after you left. I don’t know his name, but he’s the only person I saw the weekend I spent with Bart. Don’t contact me again. -Amira.”
Serena and Steven walk Sage to school. The awfulness of Serena’s outfit is matched only by the horror we feel seeing her carry a chain purse (we knew they were contagious). Also, by the creep factor of Serena’s boyfriend’s daughter dating the guy S lost her V card to... but we digress. Apparently the deal is that Sage will go to school if she can date Nate. Sage calls Serena a “trophy girlfriend” (oh no she di’nt). S mentions Gossip Girl. Sage says “No one in high school reads Gossip Girl anymore — it’s for old people.” Sage walks up to a group of girls in horrible headwear. The one wearing a beret and a denim vest (seriously) says “Gossip Girl says your dad is dating Serena VDW — is it true?” Sage says “not for long.”