Credit: The CW

The main premise of Season 6, Episode 4 “Portrait of a Lady Alexander” is that there’s a horse event out of town that the gang hauls out to. According to the synopsis, “Serena (Blake Lively) and Steven (Barry Watson) decide to reveal their romantic histories so they aren’t surprised by anything, but neither was prepared for what they uncovered.” (What are they, new?) With that in mind, let’s analyze this promo, shall we?

Credit: Video Still

Steven and Serena kiss, and then Steven holds up a very homemade life looking version of a rap sheet — a printed out piece of paper, and says “You had sex with my daughter’s boyfriend.” It’s funny, Steven, because you think it’s inappropriate that S and Nate (Chace Crawford) did it, whereas we think it’s gross that you are sleeping with her, that she has stooped to sleeping with you, and that you think it’s okay that your 17-year-old daughter is sleeping with a grown-ass man. (Sidebar: have you seriously still not purchased a tie yet?)

Credit: Video Still

“You had my mother?” Serena accuses Steven while they are at the stables event we’ve read about. Steven says, “It’s not true,” and Lily (Kelly Rutherford) (impeccable in print) approaches and says, “Actually, it is.” Steven replies “Oh wow!” and looks disgusted, even though he’s closer to Lily’s age than to Serena’s. But hold on for a second. No one says “you had my (blank)” as in “you guys did it,” so we’re assuming this is just the CW’s way of putting us on a binge and purge diet of sex repulsion.

Credit: Video Still Photo: BlairSTILL

Blair (Leighton Meester) looks like a gypsy in prints that harken more to Pucci than to the hellish memory of her hideous vinyl tote-looking fashion collection (thank God). She says “Call TMZ!” to someone on the phone. Cue Sage in a hat that looks like she (misguidedly) stole it off Blair’s runway. Ladies, we need to be more careful with what we put on our heads, mmkay?

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