Greetings, Upper East Siders. It’s fall in New York and it looks like the gang is back together, albeit in an uncertain formation. But, before we can find out for sure whether Chuck (Ed Westwick) and Blair (Leighton Meester) found enough four-leaf clovers abroad to keep their romance on track, or whether Serena (Blake Lively) has started putting things up her nose again, we’ll have to do some guesswork. Lucky for us, we’ve got enough time and love of a good scandal to start the rumor mill a-turning. Let’s dissect the promo now, shall we?
Scene 1 — Serena: “Can’t you see there’s a party going on and you’re not invited”
After all the party-centric shenanigans these crazy kids have been involved in over the years, it’s possible S is talking to anyone. But let’s think about who might be the likely target — one of her many love interests, perhaps? That hardly narrows it down. Chuck? Dan? We all know they have a pretty checkered past as far as getting invited to parties goes...
Scene 2 — Surprise, surprise, it’s Chuck. And Nate, too, maybe...
Chuck says, “crashing parties is one of our favorite pastimes.” Yeah, yeah, we remember.
Scene 3 — The motley crew of crashers rings an unfamiliar doorbell
If they weren’t always so well-dressed, maybe we could tell what kind of an affair they are going to remember. Let’s see: Chuck’s in plaid, Blair’s in polka dots, Nate looks handsome as usual, Dan’s wearing a terrible scrubby-looking t-shirt, aaaand... Georgina is there?! Okay, we’ll bite. What’s next?
Scene 4a — Serena opens her eyes
That’s the whole shot. She’s lying on a couch... or something. Rehab? Unlikely. Someone’s bed? More likely.
Scene 4b — Chuck and Blair look conspiratorial
Together. And haughty. Don’t forget haughty.
Scene 4c — Nate looks over his shoulder
Handsomely. In a suit.
Scene 5 — Georgina means business
The tiny former (and probably still reigning, but we’ll get to that) tyrant says, “No holding back, everyone gets exposed.” Well, that’s a new angle for you, G.
Scene 6 — Dan gets some action... at least, we’re pretty sure he does
Dan goes from t-shirt to making out with a hot blonde. Could her initials start with an S and end with a Van der Woodsen?
Scene 7 — Serena tries the Nate tactic
As in, she looks over her shoulder. Haughtily.
Scene 8 — Chair on Bed
Chuck. And Blair. Chair. Doing it. They do it. It. And then Blair says, breathily, “Do. That. Again.” We’re expecting just that, B.
Scene 9a — Dair confrontation!
Dan says to Blair “You chose Chuck over me...” And? We all knew it was going to happen, Dan. But watch out, hell hath no fury like a Lonely Boy scorned. (And word on the street is, this isn’t the only time the two will yell at each other this season...)
Scene 9b — That boy just can’t win
Serena tells Dan, “I want a fresh start.” Then why were you making out with Dan earlier, S? Or was that not you... or not him... or not now... Help! Spiraling!
Scene 9c — Dan sighs
Poor guy. We still love you, Dan! Even if your sister was our least favorite character ever...
Scene 10 — Serena makes out with the guy from 7th Heaven
Apparently “fresh start” is code for Barry Watson. Because that’s who Serena is making out with. Georgina says, in the background “a full-on slut spiral,” and we can only hope that she’s referring to, well, the full cast because (say it with us now), sex sells. Or at least it makes our Mondays much more interesting.
Scene 11a — Blair slaps Dan
He looks hurt.
Scene 11b — Then Serena
Now he looks surprised. Guess she’s all done asking him to take her back...
Scene 11c — Blair again!
Dan has now resolved that he will probably be getting slapped some more. Maybe over wearing that tee shirt to a social event? Blair asks what’s wrong with him. How long have you got, B?
Scene 12 — Wait, that’s not her name...
Everyone calls Serena, “Sabrina,” including Barry Watson, and S seems less than stoked that Blair is there to ruin her apparent guise.
Scene 13 — Did the flowers and cake tip you off, CB?
Chuck is the first to realize that the party they’ve crashed is a wedding. Serena is wearing a white dress. We get it, we’re supposed to think she’s marrying Barry Watson... Wait, she’s not, right? We heard back in the day that it was Chuck and Blair’s wedding, but that can’t be right either because of the next scene.
Scene 14 — You get ‘em, B!
Blair walks furiously down the aisle saying, “You cannot marry her!” as Georgina follows after her. The real spoiler alert would be that Georgina seems to be the voice of reason. Now that’s unbelievable.
Scene 15 — Speaking of which...
Georgina, always with the last word, says “And I’m the weird one?” Ooh, this is definitely a party we’d crash.