Credit: The CW

After waiting months for the return of our beloved Gossip Girl, we’ve finally been blessed with the Bergdorf’s fire sale of awesome that was Season 6, Episode 1 “Gone Baby Gone.” Dust off your Loubies and fold up your best pocket square — ish just got real.

Sex, Lies, and Videotape
Remember all that hot, hot steamy sexy steam from the Promo video, where we were so excited about Chuck (Ed Westwick) and Blair (Leighton Meester) having hot steamy sex? Well, turns out it only took a second to ruin our hopes, dreams, and vicarious hot steamy sex-having thoughts, because it was only a flashback to four months ago.

Dan (Penn Badgley) and Georgina (Michelle Trachtenberg) walk along a lovely path in Italy. G has chosen to pair her delightful parasol and maxi dress (the most unfortunately named piece of clothing ever, BTW) with the usual sharp wit and biting comments we’ve come to love,. She points out that Dan is not an elf and thus should not be creating in a workshop and should be out living life (read: sitting near the stereotypical old Italian men clad in suspenders and old Italian man hats). (Side note: We are guessing G had this same talk with everyone else, since apparently no one bothered to graduate from college...)

That crazy Ge*****na tells Dan that the only action he’ll be getting is on his new trusty Underwood typewriter, since he’s going to be revealing all the real names of the people he’s writing about this time and computers can be hacked. And then she withholds lemonade from him — that wench!

Meanwhile, in a land where summer has no bearing on life, Nate, is printing video stills of Gossip Girl while wearing lots of clothing (or, rather, of the person who stole back Serena’s computer last season).

Blair and Chuck are still having sex — four months ago in Monte Carlo.

A random girl stumbles upon Serena (Blake Lively), who is passed out on a train (the same one she left on at the end of Season 5, we presume) with a beautiful blue suede pump extended into the aisle and (oh yeah), blood coming out of her nose.

Credit: The CW

Break These Chains of Love
Blair and Chuck finish doing it for the moment, and Blair exclaims “OH MY GOD! Do. That. Again.” Sexy, sexy Chuck responds, “What’s the rush, we’ve got all the time in the world.” And then they Do. It. Again.

Back in New York, Vanya carts luggage into the loft where Bart and Lily have just entered, looking tan (and largely age-appropriate — attention Rufus). Lily says she and Bart just renewed their vows in the Seychelles. And apparently these two have air miles like woah, because besides that whole vow thing, they were also in the Hamptons and off the African coast with Eric (funny, cuz he sure looks like this guy who works in a Hamptons bar). Apparently that’s the only one of their children they’ve seen, since neither has heard from Chuck (well, Bart, to be fair, you did steal back the Bass Industries empire from him...), and Serena was supposed to be seeing to the apartment but has instead left piles of packages (that whole bleeding nose thing...). Parents of the year?

Flash to Nate (Chace Crawford), leading a brown-haired girl with leopard print shorts and a chain purse, who is apparently a journalism student (we can tell by the notebook and the curious questions and the way she says she’s a journalism student). She has so many chains on. So. Many. Chains. It must be Sage. And man, her sucking up is excellent because Nate has (within the first two minutes) already told her that he has a story that is so big, it’s going to secure The Spectator’s future. Nate pretty much offers this chick a job. Must be the chains.

Credit: The CW

All It Takes Is A Rake and a Hoe
Blair is in a beautiful setting somewhere (likely in France — lots of gardens) and she is on the phone with her mother about the fashion things whilst wearing so many statements pieces. A handsome French man named Jean-Pierre approaches and he is handsome and French, although seems to be from an area of France where they are lacking a little bit of dental work. He books Blair a ticket back to New York to help find Serena. Bon voyage!

Chuck and a hot lady (in bold colors) are in Dubai now, where C is trying to figure out what Bart was up to after he “died.” G calls Chuck. Everyone flies home.

Back at the VDW loft, Lily wears lace like a champ and Bart pretends he doesn’t know the hot lady from Dubai (even though she just told Chuck a few thousand miles away that she was his translator). Enter Blair with Jean-Pierre. It’s all very awkward and attractive, with lots of prints and sexual tension. Blair and Chuck both send their others away.

Chuck and Blair sure can make each other (and us) hot. “If I had known it would be this difficult going our separate ways, I never would have agreed,” Chuck says. Apparently the couple is suddenly overwhelmed by the ability to use their brains for the moment and have made conscious choices to stay apart, although it’s clear they mean to be together in the end.

At Chez VDW, Blair leads a little dig through the boxes. Turns out they all still care about Serena, because Blair is actually worried about her and so is Chuck, saying “if you have a card, now’s the time to play it” to Nate. Nate texts Gossip Girl the video he has of the computer stealing in the brothel in season 5.

Back in the Humphrey digs (the older H, that is), Ivy is picking out colors. But JK KIDS! They’re talking about art gallery spaces (hello, Season 1 Rufus!). And then Rufus leaves Ivy alone in the loft, with her saying “trust me,” because that always works out. Ivy calls Lola (who has booked a TV series in LA), and leaves a message saying she’s manipulating Rufus (surprise).

Credit: The CW

If You Like It Then You’d Better Put a Ring on It
Oh look, it’s Serena in a yellow dress looking smoking hot. Enter Barry Watson (AKA Steven), who invites “Sabrina”s friends to stay for the “special day.”

Chuck says “This is a wedding” and then they each take turns stating the obvious; Nate wins with his version of “Lily was worried about Serena, I’ll call her.” Dan gets slapped by Blair, who says “you chose Chuck. I don’t owe you an explanation.” Nice work, Lonely Boy.

At Chuck’s place, Bart appears and confronts the hot translator from Dubai, telling her she better not tell him about the BIG SECRET. She demands ten million dollars.

Back at the wedding, Barry Watson is concerned about Serena’s nerves. S wants to spend some time alone with him. Apparently, she’s told him she went to Vassar and grew up with her “friends” in Wisconsin. Dan confronts her, saying that if she gets married, she’s every bit as desperate and shallow as the character in his book (who was also named Sabrina)... and Serena slaps him.

Chuck says he called the Ostroff Center and now it’s called the Pedowitz (Funny, writers. That’s the CW’s President’s name. Bitter about the show ending?) Center and has told them about Serena. B & G try to stop the wedding. It turns out it’s the wedding of a gay couple named David and David, and Serena is not the bride — she’s the maid of honor. Doh!

Blair tells Dan about the pact she has with Chuck — they’re not together but they will be once they figure themselves out. Dan says that the only thing worse than losing her to Chuck is losing her to the idea that they might be together someday if everything aligns and yaddiya. “You think you two have an epic love, but all you have are excuses,” Dan zings.

Credit: The CW

Everything But the Girl
Back in Brooklyn, Ivy tells Rufus that she didn’t mean any harm, which we all know is a lie. Aaaand then she gets all up in his biznass. Rufus makes bedroom eyes and Ivy moves in to kiss him. The two make out and it’s gross.

Back to Serena’s compound, Blair tells S she’s sorry for every horrible thing she’s ever said to her. “Well, that’s a lot of regret” Serena notes. B says BFF means forever and that means they’re stuck with each other and Serena says that she doesn’t want to be “stuck” with Blair — she wants a fresh start with Steven. Blair scoffs and leaves.

Then, some hot music starts playing and oh look, it’s a limo with Chuck and Blair in the back. Blair says what we’re all thinking, “The two of us alone in your limo. Really tempting fate, you know that? Unless that’s your intention, of course... maybe our pact is just an excuse to not be together.” Chuck responds, “It’s the boy that blames the girl, not the man. And that’s what I want to be with you.” Blair’s chain holds the engagement ring he has given her “It won’t be much longer, I promise,” he tells Blair, kissing the ring. Then he gets out of his own limo to walk off his Blair boner.

At Chuck’s, the hot translator is sitting in the loft with the suitcase full of money when Chuck returns. Apparently, she doesn’t know Bart’s secret after all “but for that amount of money, I’m willing to stick around and find out.” Oooh, intrigue! Money! Scandal! Welcome home, Gossip Girl!

But that’s not all — at the Humphrey loft, G digs into Dan’s feelings. And Dan sees Rufus and Ivy boning which is DISGUSTING. Some things you can’t unsee.