What makes the world go round? Love or money? There were strong arguments on both sides from this week's Gossip Girl characters, plus a dissenting vote for roofies. Judge for yourself as we recap "The Empire Strikes Jack."
Firmly in the lovemaking camp are Dan and Vanessa, who come out as a couple to their friends and fam. V then freaks out over the "rut" they were in. A befuddled Dan points out they've only been together about 3 minutes, but it doesn't stop V from doing weird roleplaying games, being mean to Rufus, and walking out. Dan finally chills her out by explaining that the things they did as friends are the things he loves about her. It's all adorable until you remember that everyone else in the ep is a heartbeat away from rape or homelessness. Quit yer whining, V.
Meanwhile, over in Little J-ville... You know that whole "Every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings" thing? We're starting to think there's a corollary: Every time Dan snuggles Vanessa, somewhere his little sister is in mortal peril. Jenny is having the worst week since, well, last week when she helps out at Eleanor's fashion show and runs into old frenemy Agnes the Pyromaniac Model. A the P M roofies Little J and attempts to get some bachelor party jerks to rape her, but luckily J's Nate in shining armor comes to rescue her. Nate, who must be considering keeping Jenny on a leash, drops her at home with a job offer from Eleanor and a renewed glow of Nate-crush in her eyes. Well, who can blame the girl?
Blair's mama is having a fashion show for a flyover-state buyer. B does her best to help out by supplying the show with a passel of her pink-cheeked all-American NYU friends. Since Blair doesn't have any friends, pink- or otherwise-cheeked, she hires Brandeis and a merry band of prostitutes to play the part. The upstanding buyer is horrified when he recognizes one of them as a hooker — a male hooker, a fact that B uses to blackmail him into doing her bidding. In the end Blair's mama doesn't want to work with him anyway, and B has found some new potential minions — from Columbia.
Chuck's mama drama is much worse: He no sooner signs over the Empire Hotel to her than she kicks him out. Turns out Elizabeth isn't just in cahoots with Jack — she's also in love with him. She appears to feel a little bad about the whole thing, but not enough to do anything useful — she just tells Chuck she's not his mother, apologizes, signs the hotel over to Jack (how is that supposed to help?), and prepares to blow town. It turns out she told Jack it was either her or the hotel, and — surprise! — he chose the hotel. Of course, as she's leaving town, she hints that she may be Chuck's mama after all. Make up your mind, lady!