This week the city of New York is adored, yearned for, and fought over like a piece of meat. Ladies, please, there’s enough Manhattan to go around. Or maybe, in the case of Blair and Jenny, there isn’t. Anyway, in honor of the city’s central role in tonight’s ep, we’re naming each plot thread after a Woody Allen movie.
Blair has another Audrey Hepburn nightmare. This time she’s being stalked by an assassin who’s dressed head to toe in black, except for her long blonde hair — and jeweled headband. Yes, Blair must have an actual sixth sense, because somehow she knows that Jenny Humphrey’s back in town before Jenny leaves the apartment. But, compassionate queen that she is, Blair agrees to give the banished Little J a day pass to stay in Manhattan long enough to interview at Parsons. With Tim Gunn. Holy crap, Tim Gunn!
Little J earns B’s noblesse oblige by agreeing to her terms, including a promise not to go anywhere or see anyone except Tim Gunn (Tim Gunn!). Presumably because she might slip and say “Could I get a venti latte please? Nice weather we’re having. I slept with Chuck Bass.” But of course Chuck didn’t get Jenny back to town to make Blair’s life easier. When he swings by the Humphrey loft to steal Jenny’s portfolio, she’s forced to violate Blair’s orders to retrieve it from the Empire.
Blair retaliates by calling Jenny a whore. Not to her face, lest you think she was losing her creativity. No, Blair writes WHORE on the dresses for Jenny’s interview. Good thing the models entered in the right order, or Tim Gunn would be like “What’s WHERO?” Jenny retaliates against Chuck and Blair’s manipulations the only way she can — by telling Gossip Girl the truth about how she played her v-card.
Surprisingly, the public humiliation deflates Chuck and Blair’s fury towards each other, and they agree to a truce, which they seal with a handshake. A handshake so electric it leaves them both gasping. So, yay! Just platonic buddies now! No more unresolved sexual tension between those two, is there? Nooo.
Serena has decided to give up on boys because she’s devoting herself to studying and school — oh, we can’t even write that with a straight face. No, Serena spent the night with Colin, the guy who was mean to her all last episode. He turns out to be the new Psychology of Business professor. Unfortunately, Serena is already all dreamy eyed over the guy, but she decides to drop him. Then he pouts at her so she decides to drop the class. Then Lily gives her a guilt trip about it so she decides not to drop the class. Well, no one ever accused Serena of being too set in her ways. In the end, S is still enrolled in the Psychology of Business, and she and Professer Colin have agreed to jump each other as soon as he stamps a grade on her final exam. Shyeah. If the bonds of matrimony can’t hold Serena back, we don’t think university bylaws have much of a shot.
Remember how Nate’s dad is in jail? Frankly, we didn’t think Nate remembered, but this week saw him visiting the Captain in the brig. And who should he run into there but someone else with a jailbird in the family — his other half Juliet. Big J lies so badly to cover up her real reason for being there that even hairgel-for-brains Archibald gets suspicious. A guilt-ridden Juliet tries to tell Nate the truth, but big bro Ben scares her off by jumping the Captain and putting him in the hospital. Finally Juliet gets the message and does as Ben says — by breaking up with Nate and breaking his heart. And if that wasn’t a wrenching enough ending for you, check this out: Turns out the Sharps aren’t alone in their war on the Upper East Side. The terrible two are actually a trio, and their third ally is Colin, Serena’s new paramour. We knew someone who stole cabs must be a moral cesspool. Seriously, who does that?