Gossip Girl

Hoo boy. Just when you thought Juliet was never going to accomplish anything worse than making Serena late for things, the claws finally come out — with a little help from her new BK buddies. What does it take to really tarnish a golden girl? Read on.

Blair and Chuck are still sexing it up all over town, but their claims that it’s just meaningless orgasm-trading between friends — something along the lines of an extra-cordial handshake — are wearing a little thin. Especially when Chuck accidentally blurts out those three big words (you know the ones) during one of their assignations. Stop the presses — Chuck Bass did something during sex that embarrassed him. We didn’t know that was an emotion he possessed.

Despite his outburst, Chuck and Blair agree to keep things private, as their relationship could hurt both their reputations. Blair’s trying to keep up appearances as an independent woman who steers clear of unbecoming entanglements; Chuck wants people to keep thinking he’s a good-for-nothing hedonist, which is apparently what brings people to his hotel. (Really? We wouldn’t want to stay in a room that Old Chuck might have passed through without personally spraying it down with bleach.)

Moving on to Nate and Dan, who are not gettin’ any, publicaly or privately. Serena, it seems, panicked and bolted after last week’s tandem declarations, predictably leaving both of them dangling. Fed up, the two buds decide to give S until midnight to pick one of them.

But they’re not the only ones with Serena in their crosshairs: Now that Juliet has minions of her own, her plans are finally kicking into gear (although she ends up being more Jenny’s minion than vice versa). Jenny steals Serena’s phone and tricks Lily into bribing Juliet into going away — easy enough once Juliet mentions that she’s got more dirt on Serena. It seems Colin’s not the first time S was hot for teacher — she also caused a scandal at boarding school that Lily had to hush up. (Aha! Is that who Ben is?)

Little J, Big J, and Evil V proceed to spend the day wrecking S’s life. First they send texts from “Serena” arranging to meet both Nate and Dan — and then standing them both up. Then they throw Serena’s hat into the ring for an honor Blair’s after. Finally, tiring of faking to be S electronically, they impersonate her in person. Jenny and Juliet show up at Chuck’s Saints and Sinners masquerade in flawless Serena drag. There they mack on both Nate and Dan, and betray Blair by revealing her and Chuck’s relationship.

Finally, one of Juliet’s plans works (probably because it’s pretty much Jenny’s), and Serena is left friendless and in disgrace. Jenny and Vanessa think their work here is done — but Juliet’s just getting started. She roofies Serena (making Gossip Girl the first show we know of to pull off the coveted girl-on-girl roofieing hat trick) and packs her off in a cab, using her pilfered phone once more to withdraw S from Columbia. The last we see of them, Juliet has an unconscious Serena socked away in an unknown location — and none of her pissed-off friends or family are looking for her.

B and C are piqued to be outed, but they admit that they really do love each other. They’re all ready to give things another go, but Blair, fearful of being known only as Chuck’s girlfriend, decides she has to be an independent woman and breaks up with him. Let’s hope they find their way back to each other whenever Blair’s done throwing her hands up at us!