Gossip Girl is back, and if there's one thing we love after a long hiatus, it's a crispness in the air and a certain spiced scent of... WELL, DID CHUCK DIE OR NOT?
Apparently, he yet lives! We see him taking that old mutt for a stroll. Wait a minute... how? Then we learn... Gossip Girl's plug has been pulled! When? Blair and Prince Louis are all royal wedding-prep smiles! Wha? And Blair has, as we grimly speculated, lost her baby.
Is this one of those Lost-style time-jumps? I reckon it is, since they're getting ready for New Year's Eve (!!!).
Let's try and orient ourselves with some bullet points!
Bullet One! Blair has apparently decided the car crash was a magic 8-Ball telling her not to be with Chuck. It got all shook up, and the little blue pyramid said, "What are you doing? Marry the prince!"
Bullet Three! Dan is working on a NEW book. He's got the fever: writin' fever! The only known cure is publication and... Blair sneaking over all the time in secret! (Wha? Wheels within wheels! So. Much. Going. On.)
Dan is helping Blair try on wedding dresses, and she feels bad about the one she had before the car crash. Super-fashion super-guest Vera Wang herself is really there, and she goes and gets more dresses from the back like she's some shop-girl and not VERA WANG!
Uh oh! Dair are spotted by one of Chuck's flying monkeys!
Chuck hacks into Serena's computer and finds all kinds of pics of Blair and Dan doing all kinds of Dair stuff. Not exactly enough evidence to confirm an affair - but don't tell Chuck that. He's already convinced! Turns out they are pics HE had taken for some kind of plot against Dan and Blair. Or something? That must make sense to someone, but we're moving on to New Year's Eve. No time to think!
These secret pics get slapped onto Serena's Spectator column, but Nate stops it all from happening, because he wants only good things to exist in the world and not bad things. Keep your tumblrs pure, folks, or you'll have to deal with Nate.
Then there's a wrinkle in time, a flaaash baaaack wiggle-screen, and we learn that Blair prayed over Chuck and promised to keep her holy promise to marry Louis if only the angel of death would spare Chuck's life.
Then we're back in real time, which is still kind of flash-forward time, and we see Serena tell everyone she and Dan are creating a certain, terrifying two-backed creature, which certainly isn't true but is enough to convince folks that Dan isn't rubbing sticks and stones together and making sparks ignite with Blair. Her marriage is safe! The marriage nobody wants is safe, folks. You can rest easy! Thanks to Serena pulling the old, "How can Dan be sleeping with Blair when he's sleeping with me?" trick!
All of this is so stressful, Blair decides to convert to Catholicism. Why not? Then she tells Chuck that he's just incredible and very possibly the best, but they can never be together. She won't say why! WE know it's because she made a promise to the angels in heaven who even now must be jamming on their harps and ting-tinging their halos on the bars of the pearly gates. It's a heck of a band they got up there, and Blair's rockin' out to their tune. She thinks they saved Chuck, you see. She does tell him she loves him.
Suddenly! Different plot point! Nate discovers the car crash was meant for him!
The REAL car crash was that weirdo photo plot, but we'll forget about it. Accidents happen! It was otherwise dresses and drama and everything we love. See you on the UES. Bring your dog and your time machine! Seriously, we love a good mystery, but we kept waiting for Dr. Who to come running up waving that goofy thing he carries, that weirdo tool he uses. Why do we know about Dr. Who? We had to watch something while GG was gone. Thank goodness it's back!