Gossip Girl

Did you know that the wealthy live an average of four years longer than those in poverty? Someone forgot to tell the Upper East Side. They may look perfect on the outside, but this week Gossip Girl is jam-packed with the walking wounded. Here’s a rundown of the secret physical and emotional maladies they’re nursing in Season 5, Episode 2: “Beauty and the Feast.”

In case you were holding out hope that Blair (Leighton Meester)’s nosy seamstress was wrong, give it up — she’s pregnant. And while her waistline might not yet be showing any signs (unless you’re a seamstress with microscopes for eyes), B’s having trouble hiding it in other ways. She’s developed a raging case of all-day morning sickness, and the very thought of food sends her rushing for the loo. Perfect time for Louis’ scheming sister Beatrice to show up. Bea covets the throne of Monaco for herself, and she’s on the lookout for a way to get Blair out of the way.

Nate (Chace Crawford) is having a little medical issue of his own: He’s so hung up on his California cougar from last week that he can’t get it up. Heartbroken and unable to track her down (even though... he has her address? Nate is dumb), he perks up when he just happens to run into her at his mother’s house. For the second time in two weeks! In two different states! God, he’s dumb. Anyway, she’s clearly playing him, but it’s not yet clear what her long game is — she’s recently bought the New York Spectator, and she invites him to come work for her. He, in turn, invites her to come. Which they do. In an alley, it looks like. Gross.

How do you solve a problem like Serena (Blake Lively)? Ivy (Kaylee DeFer) hasn’t a clue. Her sweet little chef boyfriend Max doesn’t know about her double life, and Ives is determined to keep it that way for some reason — but she also finds herself drawn back into Serena’s glittering orbit. S makes it difficult to refuse — she couldn’t be more thrilled to have found the mentally ill cousin who lied to her, stole from her, tried to sleep with her ex, and then nearly jumped out a window. Serena’s pathological friendliness is Ivy’s undoing. S browbeats her into getting an apartment with her, and then, when Ivy’s check bounces, S basically scoops her up and puts her in her purse. First stop: Back to CeCe’s to get Ivy her trust fund. Next stop: Back to the Upper East Side. Leaving Ivy’s heartbroken, puzzled boyfriend behind. Psst, Ivy: You don’t have to move across the country just because your rich fake cousin tells you to.

Dan (Penn Badgley) tries to enlist Chuck (Ed Westwick) to help him block the publication of his novel, but instead gets sucked into everyone else’s drama. See, Chuck’s little bruise from his motorcycle crash is a little worse than he let on — he’s actually got broken ribs, and his chosen method of treatment is to hire some dudes in an alley to beat him up. Amusingly, the same dudes do this several times, suggesting they have a standing appointment. Anyway, Chuckles has apparently lost the ability to feel anything — pain, sadness about losing Blair, annoyance with Dan. Instead of suggesting that he use his newfound superpower to fight crime, Dan trots off to tell Blair he’s worried about Chuck.

After noting B’s bathroom habit, Beatrice decides that she’s bulimic and tries to out her to Louis by inviting her to the Feast of the Assumption, a big Catholic feast with tons of delicious-looking food. But when Bea overhears Blair confessing to Dan that she’s pregnant, she has an apparent change of heart and covers for her with Louis — but not out of sisterly affection. She’s just biding her time. Oh, and shtupping the family priest in the limo. We’re beginning to see what Louis sees in Blair: She reminds him of home.

Blair ends the ep in Dan’s loft and in his arms, as he comforts her over her unplanned pregnancy and its uncertain parenthood. Just make out with him, Blair! He likes raising Eurotrash babies that aren’t his.

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