Credit: The CW

Greetings, Upper East Siders. When the seasons change, and it feels like the sun will never shine as brightly again, we’re lucky to have Gossip Girl. Some of you may feel like the end’s imminence is casting a dark shadow over the normally haute and bothersome clan of privileged NYC royalty. Some of you may be wondering why we have to watch less attractive couples make out (we’re looking at you, Steven) when all we want is a little Chuck (Ed Westwick) and Blair (Leighton Meester) sex.

Sex sells, people, but all our bedroom hopes went to the stables on last night’s “Portrait of a Lady Alexander.” But that’s not the only thought making us say an exasperated “OMG!” in the less-than-satisfying afterglow of yet another G-rated episode. Let’s talk.

1. Lily (Kelly Rutherford) has a lobotomy
Look, we’ve always been more of a Kelly Rutherford fan than a Lily van der Woodsen lover, but this episode really took the cake. We’re not sure if there’s a carbon monoxide leak coming from the Prada Marfa painting, or if Lily is just two doses away from a full bottle of ‘luudes, but something is wrong with our favorite bow-of-hair blonde. She isn’t even in the top three grossest couples on the show, and so that’s nice for her. But emotionally, she make us want to Bart... Bass, that is. When exactly did she start ignoring everything in front of her? From her easily distracted belief in Blair (Leighton Meester)’s lies about Royals waving at her, to her overly calm and Stepfordesque handling of the whole “oh yeah, BTW, I slept with your boyfriend”ing, she was just off.

Credit: The CW

2. Bart channels Marlon Brando
We think there may be something in the liner notes of the script indicating that Bart and Chuck must always be in a contest for who can speak lower and gruffer. It was a tie this time, but Bart took it all old school by getting Godfathered. He turned up in dark cars, and showed up behind stable doors (as if he would ever walk in hay muck in $2,000 shoes). Then he gave Lily an ultimatum, saying “If you want to be with me, you need to stay away from my son.” Or what, BB, you’ll be withholding and emotionally abusive and fake your own death again?

3. Sage is our favorite person
You don’t have to tell us this is crazy-talk. We hate Sage (Sophia Black-D’Elia). We hate her chain purses, and chain necklaces, and ridiculous bowler hats, and her 17-year-old-ness. But she came out the victor of the day in Season 6, Episode 4 — by becoming our personal voicebox. At the sight of Serena (Blake Lively) and her dad making out, she couldn’t hold back her revulsion, saying, “Okay. No. Just, no.” Right?

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