Grey's Anatomy Season 9, Episode 10: "Things We Said Today" is about one thing: wuv. Twue wuv. And sex. Twue wuv and sex. From the happiest day of Bailey’s (Chandra Wilson) life to the saddest day of Richard’s (James Pickens Jr.) life, everything in this episode revolves around relationships. We laughed, we cried, and we ate lots of chocolate due to the fact that we were watching this episode utterly and completely alone.

But this isn’t about us. It’s about the doctors of Seattle Grace-Mercy West in all of their horny, damaged, complicated glory. Shall we?

First up: Newlyweds Ben (Jason George) and Bailey.

What starts as the best day of their lives quickly turns into the slightly postponed best day of their lives when Bailey is five hours late to her wedding after having to perform surgery on Adele (Loretta Devine). But Ben handles the situation like a champ. He quickly feeds the guests and heads to the hospital to find his bride. And when he does, he calms her down and reassures her that her ambition will not ruin this marriage, even if she forgot about their wedding for the first 20 minutes she was with Adele. At the end of the day, Bailey loves Ben more than she can hold in her heart. So Ben and Bailey say “I do” and jump the broom. Now they can start spending the rest of their lives together … in five-minute increments. Ah, mawwiage.

Sidenote: When did Tuck get so big?!

From the bride to the bridesmaids, let’s move on to Callie (Sara Ramirez) and Arizona (Jessica Capshaw).

After the wedding is put on hold, Arizona surprises Callie by getting them a room at the hotel. With some macaroni-and-cheese cupcakes in hand (talk about an afrodisiac), the ladies head off to get a lil sexy. Can you say bow chicka wow wow? Well, don’t say it yet. Despite her best efforts, Arizona can’t bring herself to remove her prosthetic leg. She’s not ready for sex yet. So instead, Callie orders some champagne (because what goes better with macaroni-and-cheese cupcakes than champagne?). The wives eat, Callie promises Arizona that she’s not going anywhere, and then they enjoy a good old-fashioned junior high makeout. Too bad there weren’t any bleachers around for them to sit under.

Back at the hospital, Owen (Kevin McKidd) and Cristina (Sandra Oh) are definitely not enjoying a junior high makeout. Nope. They soar right past that and go right to an adult makeout, aka sex. But their post-sex discussion is cut short when they’re both paged for the next big trauma. As Cristina puts it, the duo goes bowling for bikers when a biker gang shows up with multiple injured members, including Gasoline (their leader), The Hammer, and eventually, their newest member, Road Rash. The lesson: Bikers might not be great at coming up with nicknames, but they actually have hearts of gold … and Christmas toy drives?

Bikers and all, Cristina and Owen spend their day trying to keep Gasoline away from a tire iron before they’re distracted by a little thing called their divorce papers. It just so happens that bikers are also pretty wise. After a very large biker delivers a very enlightening speech about living life within the confines of a box, Owen tells Cristina that they should get divorced. Essentially, the biggest mistake they made in their relationship was getting married (aka they put their relationship in a box). If they get divorced, they’ll finally stop hurting each other. So they cry, they sign, and then they share the best divorced-couple kiss ever.

From one twisted sister to another, we can sum up Meredith (Ellen Pompeo) and Derek (Patrick Dempsey) in this episode in one sentence: He promises not to put her in a home if she gets Alzheimers, and they kiss. The end.

Alright, we’ve had enough of the twue wuv for now. Let’s get to the sex … and the sexual tension. Jackson (Jesse Williams) and April (Sarah Drew) spend the episode trying not to sleep with each other, and surprisingly, they’re successful. Although, we’re not sure you can define it as a success if Shane (Gaius Charles) sort-of thinks that April might have maybe sexually harassed him, and Jackson straight up sleeps with Stephanie (Jerrika Hinton) in the back of his car. Surely that’s not going to go over well.

Shockingly, the only intern-attending couple that doesn’t sleep together (yet) consists of Alex (Justin Chambers), the man whose favorite hobby is sleeping with interns, and Jo (Camilla Luddington). Instead of taking all their clothes off and doing the horizontal mambo, they engage in a nice little game of whose-foster-care-childhood-was-worse. And then, before we know it, Jo has Alex doing things we hardly ever (or never) see him do: He smiles, he laughs and then he fake cries his way into a free hotel room, where he doesn’t immediately sleep with her. Is our boy finally growing up?

OK, we tried to avoid it, but we’ve run out of couples. It’s down to Adele and Richard. The good news? Richard comes up with a brilliant idea during Bailey’s surgery, and he saves Adele’s life just long enough for her to wake up, recognize him and ask him to stay. The bad news? After Bailey leaves for her wedding, Adele suffers a heart attack and dies. When Richard shows up at the wedding reception, Meredith senses that something is wrong. And as Bailey and Ben dance together, Meredith stands with Richard, who can’t help but picture himself and Adele … dancing to “Funny Valentine.” Cue the waterworks.

Here are some other things we took away from the episode (not including our puffy eyes): Callie wins the title of Bailey’s (horrible) maid of honor, Shane’s new nickname is Ripley’s Believe It or Not (so perhaps bikers aren’t the only ones who are bad at nicknames), interns are sexual catnip, and Derek is reluctantly becoming Callie’s new Mark (Eric Dane).

It was twue wuv that gathered us here today, and it was twue wuv that left us with tear-streaked cheeks. Twue wuv sucks.

We’ll see you next week when our eyes have dried, and the docs are getting big checks for the lawsuit … but at what cost?!

Catch the next new episode of Grey’s Anatomy on Thursday, January 17, 2013, at 9 p.m. ET/PT on ABC.

Samantha Highfill is a contributing writer to Wetpaint Entertainment. Follow her on Twitter at @samhighfill.