What? What's that you say, TV Guide? The alternate-reality episode of Grey's Anatomy doesn't air until this Thursday? And there wasn't even a regular-old-reality episode on last night? Ugh! Well, since we have Grey's time to spare, let's imagine our own "What if?" version of Grey's. Better yet, let's imagine one that is so wacky, so ridiculous, and so bizarro that it would make our beloved show either horrendously sucky... or be tremendously awesome. Ready? Here we go.
Meredith (Ellen Pompeo) is engaged to Steve, the patient she treated in her first year as an intern — the one whose, uh, flag remained at full-mast after their one night stand. She can't wait to have her incredibly loving and coherent father, Thatcher Grey, officiate the ceremony. Her maid of honor is her best friend, Addison Forbes Montgomery O'Malley. She and Addie really bonded after they swapped war stories about what a lousy lover Derek (Patrick Dempsey) is.
Derek, meanwhile, realizing his boyish charm has left him by the wayside, is considering lipo and hair transplant to try to reverse his expanding waistline and receding hairline. (The makeup department would have to work overtime to get us to buy this one!)
For her part, Addison fell madly in love with Ronny O'Malley, George's brother, after he used his woodsmanly skills to show her the proper cure for poison-oak-to-the-vajayjay. As for George, he was tragically struck and killed by a meteorite after pushing an innocent pedestrian out of the way.
Cristina (Sandra Oh) spends her day in the surgical ward making rounds... janitorial rounds, that is. She hates ambition and is content to live a life of mediocrity. She and the hospital's morgue attendant, Preston Burke, have been conducting a torrid affair, meeting up in various supply closets on a regular basis.
Izzie decided to change professions and become a veterinarian after developing a close bond with the deer she saved in Seattle Grace's parking lot. She's searching for the secret to canine immortality, and in so doing, let Doc see his twentieth birthday.
Bailey (Chanda Wilson) is well known as the nicest, most easy-going surgical resident, but they say that Sydney chick is a real Nazi.
Richard (James Pickens Jr.), realizing that he loves Adele and Teddy (Kim Raver) and Callie (Sara Ramirez) and Arizona (Jessica Capshaw), joins a Mormon sect so that he can have sister-wives... or at least, that's what Big Love has led him to believe. Teddy, Callie, and Arizona have no intention on following that crazy old kook.
Meanwhile, Meredith's friend Sadie is the chief of staff. Apparently, the hospital board was impressed with the innovation she showed in practicing surgical procedures on herself. She is currently in divorce proceedings with Owen (Kevin McKidd), citing irreconcilable differences in matters of kilt usage.
Mark (Eric Dane) has become a celibate monk. After all, he has little use for his you-know-what ever since Lexie (Chyler Leigh) irreparably broke it. Lexie, ashamed by the damage she caused, has become a urologist to try to work through her guilt by fixing other men's you-know-whats.
Finally, Jackson (Jesse Williams) and April (Sarah Drew) are stuck at Seattle/Tacoma St. John's Mercy West Presybeterian Clinic Hospital and Treatment Center, a mega-hospital formed from the merger of seven smaller hospitals, which has recently received a special honor from the Association of Lab Coat Embroiderers. On Thursday nights, April leads the meditation and yoga classes with her soothing voice. And on Friday nights, Jackson has date night with his boyfriend, Alex (Justin Chambers). (We mean, really, when is Grey's gonna get a gay guy?)
Captivating huh? Beat that, Shonda Rhimes! (Okay, you probably will.)
Remember to tune in to the real alternate universe episode on Thursday, February 2, at 9 pm ET/PT on ABC.