We already miss Jersey Shore and our favorite guidette, Snooki. But when we're feeling down, we turn to this list of funny Snooki quotes to brighten our day. Hallmark should really consider making greeting cards out of some of these. Can't wait to hear what words of wisdom Snooki will give us in Season 4!
Snooki: “I have to poop I’m getting nervous.”
Or are you nervous because you have to poop?
Snooki: “It’s kind of like a disease to Snook for love. It’s kind of like a staph infection.”
This was in no way a plug for her upcoming show.
Snooki: “Even though we’re tiny bitches, I don’t give a sh*t. I will f*cking attack you like a squirrel monkey.”
This quote was when we knew Jersey Shore was officially back.
Snooki: "Old people lose their sex life. And that's not a fun time. That's why people get divorced."
Who needs Dr. Ruth when you have Dr. Snooks.
Snooki: “That’s your typical gorilla-guidette couple. And they would have the most amazingly cute babies ever.”
What’s your definition of cute?
Snooki: “Even though I just met him, Nick seems like the perfect juicehead gorilla for me. And I kinda wanna have sex with him already!”
That’s what you call a win-win.
Snooki: “These are the things I think I’m addicted to: bronzer, boys, and alcohol.”
What about pickles?
Snooki [on drinking wine even if you may be an alcoholic]: “Any pinot’s okay. Pregnant people do it.”
This was Snooki’s mom’s philosophy, anyway.
Snooki [about a raw potato]: “Say you’re stuck in the cornfields and you have to eat it. That’s not bad.”
Somehow, we wouldn’t be surprised if Snooki got lost in a corn field.
Snooki: “Someone needs to kiss my ass, ASAP.”
We’d do it, but we’re stuck in the Internet. Sorry!
Snooki: “Well stop caring and f*ck me, man!”
The words every man dreams of hearing.
Snooki: “Honestly, like who hides in a bush? Only me. I will pee in a bush, I will poop in a bush and I will hide in a bush.”
Somehow, Snooki, we feel like we already knew this about you.
Snooki: “I look like a hooker. Sick.”
Snooki: “I’m so excited to get back into my house, pop some bottles, and hook up with my roommates.”
It’s the simple things that make life great.
Snooki: “Pauly: adorable. You’re going to love him. You’ll probably have sex with him.”
Snooki, you ruined the surprise!
Snooki: “I call my vibrator the Elmo because, tickle me Elmo, ya know what i mean...?”
Yes, we do. And we wish we didn’t.
Snooki: "Remember I [masturbated] all day once, and the next day I couldn't even move?"
Come to think of it, there were like, 3 whole episodes in the Miami season where Snooki was nowhere to be found...
Snooki: "I hate the ocean. It's all whale sperm. Everybody Google it. Because that's why the water is salty. From the f**king whale sperm."
Scientists say that if all the salt in the sea could be removed and spread evenly over the earth's land surface, it would form a layer more than 500 feet thick — about the height of a 40-story office building. Which, in light of Snooki's hypothesis, is positively the most disgusting scientific visual ever.
Snooki [to JWOWW and Roger, who are about to smush]: "Can I watch?"
Not sure it would put us in the mood if we spotted a short, orange guidette watching us from behind an end table.
Snooki: "The staircase is really, really small and the bed is really, really wide. And it's kinda like an analogy of Vinny's penis not fitting in my pin hole."
We're sorry for the visual.
Snooki: "Jenni looked so hot. Like porn star hot. If Roger wasn't there then I'd probably have sex with her."
Looks like Roger has some competition. And it 'aint Tom.
Snooki [about guy in restaurant wearing tight "retro" shorts]: "You can see the shaping of his weiner. And let me tell you, it wasn't even that big."
We love it when Snooki tells it like it is.
Snooki: "Jenni is a very strong person. And when I see Jenni crying and breaking down, it breaks my heart, and it makes me want to find Tom, and chop his nuts off."
It's nice to see sisterhood bringing out the lady in Snooki.
Snooki: "It doesn't come up "stripper pole" on my credit card, right? My dad will be like, "What the f**k?'"
Jeez, lay off, Snooki's dad! — it's not like your daughter was recently arrested for being a huge drunk or anything. Oh, wait...