Devastated by the recent news that The Situation may soon be leaving The Jersey Shore for a sparkling career as a serious actor? Well, dry those crying eyes! — we've come up with the most important reasons why Sitch should (and probably will) stick around Seaside Heights.
1) The English Language Needs "The Situation"
With Jersey Shore, Mike elevated "The Situation" from the fiery depths of common-noun hell to that most coveted of all linguistic accolades: the proper noun. Yes, friends, it was a grammatical coup d'etat, and the English language hasn't been the same since. But if The Sitch ditches reality TV in favor of a glamorous (albeit incredibly implausible) career as a Hollywood leading man, he'll invariably drop his now famous moniker for something dreadfully serious-sounding — like, gasp!, Michael Sorrentino. And really, where's the grammar-renegade, pun-worthy fun in that? And truth be told, in this crazy, post post-modern world we live in, there just has to be somebody with an absurdly ridiculous name like "The Situation." There just has to be.
2) The House Would Be in Complete Disorder Without Him
The Situation has always been the group's token father figure. Actually, considering the fact that most members of the house have either kissed him, punched him, or had sex in the same room as him, The Situation is more like some kind of abusive, drunk, backwoods father figure with seriously taboo boundary issues. But still! In times of GTL crisis, Mike almost always has amazingly astute advice. Like, frighteningly astute advice. Like, "Oh my god, I totally wrote this gorilla off as a mentally incapacitated paramecium, but he just changed my mind about everything, and now I don't even know who I am anymore" astute. But seriously, the guy has surprised us on more than one occasion with his gentle, sage peace-keeping skills. Oh! — and moreover, Mike's the only one of those dirty little hamsters who bothers to cook or clean. Without him, the rest of the gang would most certainly either starve to death, or die of horribly gangrenous staph infections. And while that would be entertaining, it would also be kind of bad.
3) Or, The House Would Be Snoozeville Without Him
OK, so remember how we said that Sitch is sort of the glue that holds everything together in a calm, harmonious way? Well, sometimes he's also the horrible bully who puts glue in other peoples' hair just to watch them cry. If it weren't for his gossipy, shiz-stirring ways, Sam never would have served Ron a piping hot knuckle sandwich; Deena would still be doing the oh-so-dirty with derriere-loving Dean; and we would have never known the horrifying sanitary-napkin secrets of dearly departed Angelina. In short, The Situation is the house's foremost rabble-rouser. He's instigated some of Jersey Shore's most deliciously explosive car-crash moments and, without him, the show would be just another bad after-school special cautioning against the perils of reckless binge drinking.
4) Who Would Make Women Feel Terrible About Themselves?
Do you think publicly humiliating women who don't conform to insanely unrealistic beauty standards is hilarious? Well then you'll definitely want The Situation to stick around Jersey Shore. After all, he's the brainiac who lovingly coined the now famous word "grenade" — which is what he calls
any woman smart enough to know better any ugly, fat, or generally unattractive female. Because, you know — women had it so easy before.
5) We've Seen Him Act, and It Ain't Pretty
Remember when Sitch made that safe-sex PSA with memoir-writing wunderkind Bristol Palin? Yikes. We just re-watched the video and, frankly, we haven't seen that much wood on screen since — well, since the steamy smoosh-filled romps of last week's Jersey Shore. Sure, Mike may go on to star in a few shamefully low-budget flicks with some of his reality TV-turned-Hollywood-heavyweight contemporaries (who could forget uber-heterosexual Jake Pavelka's groundbreaking work on Drop Dead Diva?) — but truthfully, Mike has about as much chance of becoming a serious actor as Snooki has of becoming a poet laureate. Stick to what you're good at, Sitch. Stick to what you're good at.