Welcome, students! The Jersey Shore Finishing School strives, above all else, to offer manners and morals for the wayward guido — turning juiced-up meatheads into well-groomed gentlemen, and big-bouffanted broads into respectable young women. Oh, who are we kidding? — we just like to talk trash about the crazy stuff that these morons do. Every week we take the latest bust-up or blow-out and answer the age-old question: what would a non-Jersey Shorian do?
A Little Background
There was so much therapy-starved hot mess in this episode, we hardly know where to begin! Let's start on a surprisingly positive note — Sammi Sweatpants' long overdue apology to Snooki. We're still relatively speechless, but we have to say: well done, Sweatpants! For once in your miserable, passive-aggressive life, you actually did the right thing. Bravo!
And then there was Snooki, who spent the bulk of Monday's episode beating the living crap out of her liver. We're not going to bother giving life tips for a problem that so clearly needs a good 12-step program, or Oprah, or both. Plus, based on the preview for this Thursday's new episode, it looks as though the grizzly threats of a pissed-off Papa Polizzi might be enough to scare Snooki sober.
No, this week we're going to focus on our beloved Jenni Bowwoww, and her crumbling relationship with Chinstrap (our little pet name for Tom, who sports the most vom-inducing facial hair in the history of mankind). Last week, we watched as Bowwoww drunkenly called Chinstrap, rambled incoherently, and — like a braindead fratboy — completely forgot her own anniversary. Whoops!
What She Did
During Monday's episode, Bowwoww made no secret of the fact that her relationshiop with Strappy is rockier than the Jersey coast, explaining that she was gonna do her, and Tom could do him. (For those readers not in possession of a Guido to English dictionary, allow us to translate: Bowwoww wasn't talking about some sort of strict self-love regimen; she merely meant that she was going to do her own thing, whilst Tom did the same.)
Unfortunately, "doing her" included flirting with an old flame, Roger, or Razor, or whatever, on a particularly rowdy fist-pumping mission to Karma — and then using his crotch as a dancing partner. Later, when some desperate rando told her that Razor actually has a girlfriend, Bowwoww acted like a martyr who'd been mortally wounded by sleazy man-whoring — all the while ignoring the fact that her behavior was equally two-timing. Oh, and then she peed on the bar floor
What She Should Have Done
Well, the first one's a no-brainer: DON'T PEE ON THE BAR FLOOR. Or better yet, don't pee on any floor. Listen, Bowwoww, we get that you didn't want to walk downstairs to use the lady's room, or that you felt uncomfortable even entering a room that had the word "lady" in it; and we get that you're in an envelope-pushing reality TV show that rewards barnyard behavior over things like dignity and self-respect. But relieving yourself on someone's personal property, like some feckless dog that hasn't been housebroken? We definitely laughed, Bowwoww — but it most certainly wasn't with you.
Next, we're going to throw out a general rule of thumb: clean up one mess before you start making another. Things aren't going well with Tom, and you want to smash your way around the Shore? Fine! — but call things off with the ole strap-and-chin first. It's not like your life isn't being documented on a much-watched reality TV show; and it's not like Tom isn't going to watch you cheat on him.
Finally — and girls, this is a big one — don't go rifling through your garbage. If you broke things off with a juicehead in the past (in this case, Razor), then don't go back for seconds, or thirds, or fourths. Don't ever forget: you dumped his sorry ass for a reason. Leave him in the dumpster where he belongs, and find a new gorilla to grind with.
MORE FROM THE SHORE: