The last Power Rankings of the year. We can’t believe it’s come to this. It’s hard to express just how much joy arbitrarily ranking the Jersey Shore cast members has brought us. All we know now is that we can’t wait for Season 3 to get going ASAP. We think Sammi might be primed for a push to the top. Just kidding!
Ranking: 7 (out of 7)
Last Week: 7
We’ve finally figured out the best word to describe Sammi: “Meh.” The girl is honestly looking more and more worthless every week, and, while we’re pretty much devastated that this season is over, the silver lining is that we won’t have to deal with Sam’s whining and inane fights with Ronnie. JWOWW’s right — this girl is a princess who needs to be put in her place a bit. It’s also incredible how much her relationship with Ron has come full circle. At first he clearly seemed like the bad guy. But after she picked yet another fight this week for no apparent reason, well, we’re definitely sympathizing with Ronnie a little more. And we will be until these two finally decide to split.
Ranking: 6 (out of 7)
Last Week: 6
Ronnie earned a few points from us this week for a couple of reasons. First were sympathy points after Sammi ruined their “last night in Miami” dinner. The poor guy’s just trying to show her a good time and she picks a fight for no apparent reason. At least Ronnie was able to keep his cool. Speaking of keeping his cool, he does it even better when The Situation tries to start something during dinner, referencing Ron’s “transgressions” from earlier in the season. Rather than get all pissed off and embarrassed, Ron just sat there in stone cold silence. Although to be fair, we probably would have given him even more points if he reached across the table and punched Sitch square in the face. Maybe next year.
Ranking: 5 (out of 7)
Last Week: 4
Here’s a girl who made her presence known this week. We liked watching Jenni try to clean up the kitchen by herself, but we loved her reasoning for why she shouldn’t have to: “I am not f******* any of my roommates, therefore I should not be cleaning up after their s***!” Makes sense to us, girl! Jenni also earned some sympathy points from us when The Situation started waving that frog in her face. So the girl doesn’t like frogs, so what? Leave her alone! But JWOWW really captured our hearts when she decided to get “deep.” After Snooki complaining that she and Sammi used to be friends, Jenni responded the only way she knew how: “Friends’ is, like, a deep word.”
The Situation: Tan
Ranking: 4 (out of 7)
Last Week: 5
We’re still trying to process just exactly what has happened to the mighty Situation in the past several weeks. He started off fine: having fun at the club, getting crazy with MVP and saying hilarious things. But, now, it’s like his only goal is to make his roommates’ lives miserable. The only credit we can give to The Situation is that he stayed involved, and that’s why he comes in at #4 this week. Because between calling out Vinny for being a follower, hooking up with two girls in the bathroom of the club and starting a giant fight between Pauly and everyone else, the guy was in the middle of it all. But shouldn’t he be at the top?
Ranking: 3 (out of 7)
Last Week: 2
Poor Vinny had to say goodbye to the love of his life, Ramona, this week, so sympathy points there. Dude also gets sympathy points for being straight-up attacked by The Situation. A follower? Vinny? We have to disagree, Sitch. But like Ron, Vinny was also able to keep his cool and prevent things from getting completely out of hand, which they could have. Our favorite Sicilian also earned some point for staying true to Ramona by “saying 'no' to hoes!” We can imagine his temptation, because after all: “sometimes you mix two grenades, it might make one good-looking girl.”
Pauly D: Gym
Ranking: 2 (out of 7)
Last Week: 3
Remember way back when we said we wanted to see a little more fire out of Pauly? A little more fight? Well, boy did we get it! Pauly is like a dad who NEVER gets mad, but then when he does it’s like the scariest thing ever. But to the DJ’s credit, he was fully justified in being upset. He didn’t say anything about anyone. Why should he have to be attacked like that? But “Fake”-Gate isn’t the only thing that earned Pauly the #2 spot this week. His final goodbye with Rocio was adorable (and more sincere than Vinny and Ramona’s, if you ask us). Plus it just wouldn’t be Pauly if he didn’t say something like this: “The hamburger meat looks like Vinny’s chest hair!” Enjoy the #2 spot, Pauly. You earned it.
Ranking: 1 (out of 7)
Last Week: 1
Today must be the day of Sympathy Points, because Snooki is getting a handful of them form us, too. How bad did you feel when Snooki started crying after she thought everyone was mad at her? Doesn’t she know it’s impossible to be mad at her for more than five seconds? She’s like a puppy! Snooks also earned a ton of points for doing what she does best: saying hilarious things. Do you prefer quotes about animals: “I am so excited, because we are going to see the crocadillies!”, quotes about cooking: “Do you want me to cook and poison everybody and we’re gonna be dead in two minutes? Whatever,” or quotes about Slim Jims?: JWOWW: “I got Slim Jims and Red Bull.” Snooki: “Did you really? I’m gonna have sex with you later.”