Like the sixth Harry Potter book, Jersey Shore Season 4, Episode 11: “Situation Problems” was kind of uneventful and essentially only served to set up the big finale — going back to Jersey! (Spoiler alert: that's how Harry Potter ends, too.) But, of course, the episode is called "Situation Problems," so let's see how our titular cast member stirred things up this week, shall we?
We open with the conclusion of Snooki's confession to Jionni that, upon further examination, she had, in fact, gotten it in with Vinny. Once again, as predicted (yeah, we just quoted Sugar Ray, what?), the cheese to Snooki's macaroni made her feel like crap about it, all while Vinny awkwardly watched from his throne in the next room.
Snooki furiously fans herself to keep from crying while awaiting Jionni's verdict, and then, upon realizing her limp hand is completely useless as a cooling mechanism, switches to fanning herself with the phone book. We're absolutely certain this is what a hooker sweating in church looks like.
Jionni leaves things up in the air, and ever-sensitive Vincenzo offers to cuddle with Snooki not a moment after she hangs up the phone. Verdict: Snooki and Jionni are "working on in" but not BF/GF. (Of course, this holds none of the drama producers want it to, because we all know Snooki and Jionni are still going strong.)
Luckily, Meatball #2 (Deena) hatches a plan that simultaneously cheers her partner in crime and makes herself look like a sad, desperate version of Brittany, the sad, desperate Sitch stalker. Homegirl flings herself at Pauly D with abandon, despite the fact that her drag queen makeup has given him a severe nose bleed, and then CONTINUES TO THROW HERSELF AT HIM over and over again every time he rejects her! It's painful. It's sort of like watching Homer Simpson repeatedly walk into a wall and yell "D'Oh!" but he just keeps doing it? Yeah, it's like that.
Hilariously enough, Pauly can't manage to pick up another girl that night to distract from Deena, so Deena's cooka becomes enemy number one. She does request of Spiky D that they go harder than he did with that one girl, though. Let the record show: Deena is not a vanilla meatball. Cue a wonderful impression of Pauly and Deena smushing by Vinny in the confessional. Basically lots of "Aw yeah!"s and "Merp"s the like. It's great.
Impressively, Snooki skips this club outing because she's feeling a bit under the weather, but her BFF JWOWW is home sick, too, to keep her company. Of course, Snooki's hacking cough doesn't stop her from going out to a bar the next morning to catch up. Deena straps on her cowboy hat (apparently, a sign of the Jersey-pocalypse), and tags along. Stumbling across cobblestones ensues.
That night, the gang goes out, and, of course, Snooki and Deena's day drinking is a harbinger of good times to come. They're “tan-girl-wasted” before anyone else, but Sammi and JWOWW vow to one another that they won't babysit the drunkballs, despite the fact that they're behaving like total skankbots.
The Sitch picks a fight against a mosh pit of people with security standing right there, because, as the boys accurately point out, he'll only start a rumble when there's someone holding him back. Roided out Ron, of course, rises to the challenge and shiz is about to get gully up in this joint, but the boys "take the high road" and bail out to prevent a fight.
Once back home from the club, JWOWW almost spills the contents of her bladder on the floor of the villa, in vintage form, while Snooki and Deena opt to go to another club. Unfortch, without their trusty circle of guido compadres, they're immediately surrounded by metrosexual Eurotrash who get seriously up in their biznasty. Despite Snooki whining at them to go away, and Deena's surprisingly aggressive barks of "Back the f*ck up," the glistening half-men do not relent. The bartender even gets in on it and starts throwing ice at the gruesome twosome. Not girls to be attacked by a pack of haters, Snooki and Deena show Italy what's what and start hurling liquor bottles at the bartender. In one swift motion, the bouncer tucks one Meatball under each arm and tosses them out. And really, the sight of a giant man carrying Snooki and Deena, with their derriers in the air may, in fact, be a higher power. Or maybe just of GIF-able of the clip.
Thing 1 and Thing 2 return home in a state of lady-rage that really comes quite close to a Ronnie fit. We were impressed. After making the spectacular life choice of jumping into a scalding hot tub and subsequently burning their cookas, the LNBDs (late night bad decisions) Club continued. Instead of going to bed at 6 am like the drunk messes they are, Snooki and Deena CHANGE INTO SLUTTIER OUTFITS if that's even possible (Snooki's ensemble includes head-to-toe leopard print), and go out day-drinking. They assure every waitress, hostess, and passerby that they aren't whores, they're “just Jersey.” And then, without even bothering to order a hangover meal, the ladies begin pounding mimosas. They get about halfway through one each before they pass out on the tables, with Deena insisting that she just needs a little nap. Throwing in the towel just as the city of Florence preps for lunch, Blast in a Glass and her leopard friend finally make the harrowing stumble home, and crash.
Meanwhile, back at the villa, Ronnie tries to barbecue, since the gang is unanimously over pasta and pizza, and, of course, almost burns the house down. While he's busy playing fireman and extinguishing the incinerated BBQ, Pauly takes it upon himself to be the fire alarm and make the most annoying noise in the house...as is his wont. In an less-than-adorable show of playing house, Sammi and Ron go grocery shopping to replace the now-charred dinner foods.
Post-family dinner (which JWOWW and Sammi stand side-by-side to cook...have we reached the frenemy zone?), Deena and The Situation get into the usual spat over cleaning dishes. Following up Snooki's full wine bottle toss, Deena chucked a spatula at Mike, which, admittedly, lacked the panache of Snooki's move. But she did squeeze in the world's best insult. While Mike was screaming at her to "be a woman" and "do something" around the house, he was also threatening to really insult her. Deena deftly spat back that she was unimpressed by his fat jokes anyway, and not to bother, because (yeah, we mentioned it in the Top 10 Quotes, but it's just too good not to repeat): "I can lose weight for free. You need about ten grand to fix your f*cking face." Boosh.
Annnd, Vinny chooses this moment to innocently call dibs on his old room back in Seaside for their impending trip home for Memorial Day (see how they snuck that in?), which causes a whirling crapstorm, because Sammi had obviously been plotting to take over it. She cites the bad energy leftover from last year in the upstairs room, for which Mike gets a slightly unfair portion of the blame. Sure, he's a dirty little instigator, but he wasn't the one hurling Ikea beds through screen doors, Sammi. That would be your roid-raging boyfriend.
Of course, Sammi taking over Vinny's room typically wouldn't be an issue, except that Vinny isn't so keen on MVP being a team anymore. It comes out that, actually, no one wants to room with Mike. Cut to a lot of Situational sulking around the house because no one wants to be his friend. It's cool, guys. Mike is a rock. He is an island.
After realizing that they are, in fact, one another's greatest loves, Vinny and Pauly spoon, which is comical in their twin sized bed. Who knows what cuddling could lead to, though, so, natch, Pauly opens a condom, to elicit a chuckle out of his roommates, but Deena only feels slighted. Oh, so Pauly won't get it in with her because it would ruin their friendship, but Pauly and Vinny can smush no problem? How is that fair? We don't know, Deena. The world of bromances is a complicated one.
The Sceanario, meanwhile, has got 99 problems and getting locked in the bathroom is one. Luckily, Ron hulks out and yanks the door out of the wall, complete with frame, so Mike doesn't have to kick it in. Isn't Mike just so impressive with all of his peaceful demonstrations when he could be kicking ass? And by kicking ass, we mean knocking his own lights out?
But all that pent up bathroom door aggression has to be released somehow, and, yet again, Mike picks a fight in a club. This time, though, when he turns to look behind him for support, for the never-ending, rippling muscular power of his fellow housemates, no one is backing him up. Mike is alone... (We think this is Jersey Shore's attempt at poignancy, so we'll just let that moment hang in the air.) Until next week, fist-pumpers.