Ever wonder what happens when the noggin of a self-aggrandizing, delusional tall-tale-teller collides into a masonry wall? Well, wonder no more, friends, because Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino was on hand to show us last night on Jersey Shore Season 4, Episode 6: "Fistpump, Push-Ups, Chapstick"! Yes, the episode after the infamous head-smash heard ‘round the world opened with Mike lounging around in his fancy new neck brace. And, between the brace's taupe coloring and the elongation of Mike's neck, coupled with the strange, unearthly moans he was emitting, our wayward guido looked and sounded like an oily, especially unattractive version of E.T.
Long story short, Mike was feeling especially down on himself. Not only did he have to wear his self-imposed neck brace for 10 days, but he was unable to perform even the simplest of muscle-headed activities ("I can't eat, I can't GTL," he brayed in his raspiest, sympathy-grabbing voice). One thing Mike could do — and did fairly well, in fact! — was half-heartedly pretend to leave the show.
Fortunately, the house's juiced-up Shrek-alike, Ron, happened to stumble upon The Scenario during one of his "will I or won't I leave" (the former, duh) moments, and stopped to instill some of his knowledge and wisdom. Readers, be warned: this is not the last time in this entry that you'll hear tell of Ron trying to enlighten and guide his fellow housemates. Like some delusionoid who completely erased from his memory the fact that he's the last person anyone should go to for advice in the history of ever, Ron spent the bulk of last night’s episode doling out life and relationship advice like he was the Dalai F-ing Lama — and not the sad excuse for a co-dependent, roid-raging psychopath that we know and love. Honestly, going to Ron for relationship counseling is like going to Snooki for teetotaler advice, or asking Marcus "Ladybird" Bachmann for tips on how to butch it up.
Anyway, Ron offered some remedial, kindergarten words of encouragement; and after a few jumbo-sized crocodile tears, Mike finally decided to stay in the house. Which, phew. Glad we cleared up that big crisis.
Meanwhile, the rest of the house was busy assessing the drunken wreckage that was their lives. While Pauly donned a neck brace and did a thoroughly amusing Mike impression (he did, however, forget the nuanced E.T. grunts and groans that a true impressionist would have nailed), the girls headed out for a round of gelato protein shakes. Sam confided that she found the head-smashing bust-up "scary" and "freaky,” and Jenni said that she thought Mike was milking his self-inflicted injury for attention. The others, muscling through their agonizing hangovers, slurped their shakes and nodded in agreement.
Afterward, as the girls headed home, Snooki — whose outfit wasn't especially racy; which is to say, she looked as cleavage-y and DTF as usual — walked by a grand cathedral, where a priest told her to cover up in front of God's house. Her response? "Shut up!" After catching up with her friends, Snooks told Bowwoww that God loves her breasts, that he made them — which triggered the best Bowwoww rebuttal of all time: "God didn't make mine." Own your badass plastic self, Jenni!
Once home, Snooki called her far-away guido, Jionni. Perhaps she rang to discuss the unbearable lightness of being trapped inside a house full of Mike's creepy E.T. groans, or to talk about being called a whore by a priest. Whatever the reason, the purpose of Snooki's call was never revealed for, after she opened the call with a burp and a request to suck her boyfriend's butt (is that something the kids are doing these days, btw?), Jionni flew off the handle about his guidette's juvenile behavior. Which, like my grandmother would have said, "you paid the fiddler, now you listen to the tune.” Like, what the hell did this meathead expect besides burp-filled chats about sucking butts?
Afterward, Snooki vented to Ron who, as I mentioned earlier, was eager to play the part of the reasonless voice of reason. Snooks confided that being with Jionni makes her afraid to be herself. Stringing together the longest, most articulate sentence that his hamster-on-a-wheel brain could muster, Ron urged his half-pint pal not to change for someone else — a mantra which he repeated continuously throughout the episode. Which, like...shut up, Ron. "Don't change for someone?" How about: "Physician, heal thyself", or "Change the F-ing record", or any of the other number of things I wanted to scream at Ron during his Snooki therapy session.
For you see, Ron was in no position to dole out advice. At the beginning of the episode, he and Sammi Sweatpants exchanged a few hush-hush baby-talk words — a few whispery promises to talk about their cesspool of a relationship — and now it was finally time for the gruesome twosome to have their big pow-wow. "You did me f**king dirty," Sammi Sweatpants passively purred, explaining, in between F-bombs, how bringing a girl's phone number in the house was an unforgivable act of treason. Rightly so, Ron quickly dropped the Arvin card (oh Arvin, how we've missed you!), reminding Sam how she'd “two-timed” him last year in Seaside Heights.
Thankfully, Vinny interrupted the pair's intolerable whinnying with the most modest proposal the show's ever witnessed. Vinny begged the pair to take any future bickering, brawling, and bed-smashing far away from the rest of the housemates; it ruins everyone else's times, Vinny explained, and jacks the mood of the house. Ron explained that, in this case, they weren't fighting; that they were having a "normal conversation" — which, when you think about it, really explains the heart of this darkness. For Ron and Sam, endless spats about who said what to whom, and who's sorry for drunkenly doing what where, is normal. Terrifying stuff, no?
Anyway, Vinny's pearls of wisdom somehow made Ron and Sam forget that the absolutely loathe one another, and the pair decided to give their creaking, broke-down wrecker of a relationship another try. Later, after having his mop of oil-soaked hair swept into a charming guido up-do by Deena, Pauly threw on a track suit and shades, and became his faux-hawked alter-ego, Joey D. Vinny soon joined in the ultimate guido dress-up party, and the pair quickly coined their new chant: "Fistpump, push-up, chapstick". Yes, FPC is the new GLT, guys. Learn it. Love it. Live it.
Later that night, at Club Twentyone, the gang danced with fist-pumping abandon. And while Ron did that exotic Russian folk-dance thing that he does on the dance floor when he's oscillatingly smashed, Snooki and Deena had a drink thrown on them by a vicious club-goer. Well! The meatballs, unwilling to take their booze shower lying down, leaped after their attacker, diving into a pile of spray-tanned pandemonium. Eventually, after being pulled out of the rubble by a fast-acting Vinny, the girls realized that they hadn't actually been beating the shit out the drink-tosser — they'd been beating the shit out of each other. "I'm pulling this girl's hair, and some girl's pulling my hair," Snooki explained to us. "And then I realize: it's my meatball, Deena!" Sidenote: are there any friends on this show who haven't, at one point or another, beaten each other to a bloody pulp?
After drying the cheap vodka out of their hair extensions, Deena and and her pal headed home, where Snooki called her horrible boyfriend, Jionni. And really, if this episode taught us anything, it's that he really, truly is horrible! Not Sammi-Sweatpants-level horrible, mind you; but close. Snooki told Jionni that she missed him and wanted to hold him, which made Jionni accuse her of hooking up with someone else. The entire thing was messy, and borderline abusive — and was made even worse when Ron hopped onto the phone to assure Jionni of Snooki's devotion. Which, like, seriously dude? STOP TRYING TO MAKE RELATIONSHIP EXPERT RON HAPPEN. Long story short, Jionni was buying Ron's dimestore advice about as much I was, and the entire ordeal ended in an angry hang-up, and a teary-eyed meatball.
And while Snooks cried herself to sleep, Deena rang her waiter-friend, Elis, for a late-night booty call. You know, the same guy who ran screaming out of her bed in the middle of the night the last time we saw him. Anyway! After kneeling in a pile of broken glass (don't ask) and bleeding all over the kitchen, Deena brought Elis out to the courtyard for a smoke, where she quickly noticed a large hickey on his neck. Which — don't worry! — Elis was able to easily explain! See, his sister gave it to him. After a fight. Or something. Normal Italian stuff, right?! Suffice it to say, Deena was having none of this Flowers in the Attic incest lark, and tossed Elis from the house almost as quickly as he appeared.
The next day, Bowwoww, Deena, and Sam gathered with Therapist Ron to hold a Jionntervention with Snooki, telling her that his agro phone-call behavior was totally wrecking his rep in the house. Snooki, as you can imagine, had absolutely no memory of the night before (what drinking problem!?), and said that she didn't need an intervention — that she wasn't addicted to heroin, just to her boyfriend's penis (notably, an unusual addiction which undoubtedly needs its own, special brand of hardcore intervening, which I'm sure Ron isn't licensed to mediate). And as the credits rolled, Snooki let it be known that she was head-over-heels in love with her horrible, hate-mongering boyfriend Jionni, and that she was pissed as all hell that her friends were interfering in her relationship. So, yay! I was afraid that Sammi would be the only truly horrible female role model on the show; but now we have the newly co-dependent Snooki, too! Yay, progress. Sigh.