This week's Jersey Shore featured one prominent, dramatic, angst-filled fight: the girls vs. cobblestone. Yes, the quaint roads of Florence bested JWOWW, Snooki, and Deena while they chased after various participants in that other fight, which we'll get to later. Not an ankle emerged untwisted. It was brutal. But let's start at the beginning, shall we?
Season 4, Episode 8 “Where’s My Boyfriend” opened with the fallout of Snooki's fender-bender. Tension mounted as Snooki blew zeros into the breathalyzer, the boys wound their way through Florentine traffic to bring the pint-sized guidette her license, which she, like a G, forgot at home, and the polizia officers Snooki hit were loaded onto stretchers and carted off to the hospital. Ultimately, the boys didn't make it in time, and Snooki was subjected to the ultimate degradation — getting into the back of a cop car...again. Yeah, we don't see what the big deal was, either, since she clearly wasn't being arrested. But, whatever, the macaroni rascals are in a country just dying for an excuse to deport them, so we understand how it could be scary.
In the end, nothing actually happened, besides Snooki getting her international driver's license revoked, but, as far as we can tell, the whole house was sort of relieved by that, anyway, including Snooki. At least we'll be spared from listening her brag about how she can drive stick for the rest of the season. (Psst, Snooks! No you can't.) No more Fiat for Snooki, despite the fact that she's probably the only full-grown adult alive who can comfortably fit inside one.
Then, there was some telephone dramz, which we typically find obnoxious, because like, who enjoys listening to people fight on the phone? It's not even fun in a trashy, voyeuristic reality show way. It's just annoying. Anyway, first JWOWW cried because her gorilla juicehead of choice, Roger, wasn't coming to visit her after all, because — wait for it — he didn't request off work soon enough. Dude. You're dating the hottest Jersey Shore girl, and she wears dominatrix outfits for you. You've gotta be kidding. So, Jenni cried, and we all felt all sorts of weird inside, because JWOWW is fierce bitch #1, and to watch her crack was, lezbehonest, uncomfortable.
Snooki stayed home while the girls went out to cheer JWOWW up with vodka shots (because nothing says I love you like a lemon drop), and the boys went creeping. And thank god that she did, because had she gone out, who would have let poor Brittany in?! Yes, our favorite non-virgin blonde twin just can't keep her face away from The Situation's crotch, so she drunkenly showed up at the door, and Snooki, dutifully, let her in, took her into the confessional, and gave her some advice for how to properly score with Mike. Tips included: Be even more desperate, if that's at all humanly possible. Okay, so technically Meatball #1 was trying to prank Mike by planting a stalker in his bed. He predictably came home later with an Australian (who, sadly for Australians everywhere, was actually kind of adorable, but went home with The Scenario, anyway). Just when we expected hilarity to ensue while Mike tried to diffuse a situation (while making several unoriginal situation/grenade-based puns), he sort of lamely kicked out the cute-but-questionably-DTF girl and settled for Brittany, since she was already down. Whomp.
The next day (or at least, the next day in TV-time), Snooki ran around like a maniac prepping for Jionni's big arrival. Arrangements included, but were not limited to, changing her outfit 28 times to figure out how to best show off her breasts, and Febreezing the smush room to ensure that neither she nor her man caught diseases. Apparently, the finer points of disinfection are lost on Snooki.
After gushing about having Jionni's guido babies in the confessional for god knows how many hours, he finally arrived, and Snooki actually, literally, physically turned into her South Park "Snooki want smush-smush" character. Poor Jionni couldn't even shower off the drudgery of 21 hours of travel and airplane smell before Snooki launched herself at his watermelon.
Meanwhile, The Situation concocted a completely absurd and wholly unfounded fight betwixt himself and Snooki's lovah — clearly over his and Snooki's torrid affair. First, Mike wanted it known that if Jionni so much as winked at him, he wouldn't hesitate to throw down. Then, Mike assured everyone in the house multiple times that he has never EVER so much as ONCE let his guard down (except for the time he concussed himself), and if Jionni thinks that Mike's guard is anywhere other than down, there's gonna be a rumble. Finally, Jionni calmly approached Mike in the club and said to him, "Do your thing. I respect you," and Mike declared war. Obviously.
What?! No. Mike. Just, no. Never did anything not happen as much as a fight between The Situation and Jionni didn't happen. Sorry, kids.
Thankfully, Snooki stepped in to cause drama where The Situation had failed. After getting good and plastered, the pink leopard-print-clad oompa loompa decided to get on the very exclusive, roped-off VIP dance floor (with no one but Jionni in sight — that's how VIP it was) and hoist up her dress to show off her coka to err-body in the club who was watching. And no one was watching. Except Jionni.
Cue stupid fight with Jionni storming off because Snooki was "embarrassing him" (apparently, tanning to a shade that will burn out normal human corneas if someone looks at you for too long is acceptable, but flashing an empty room is embarrassing). Snooki rans after him. Ronnie rans after Snooki. JWOWW rans after Jionni. Sammi makes kind of funny commentary. We allow ourselves a tiny moment of pride in Sweatpants. Ashes, ashes, we all fall down. And by "we all," we mean the girls who decided to wear sky-high heels and then tear through the cobblestoned streets of Florence while drunker than a whore on Tuesday.
Snooki caterwauled after her boyfriend like a slowly dying, disemboweled feline while Jenni tried to calm down her bestie. Unfortunately, Snooki was too drunk for rationality, and JWOWW bore the brunt of some pretty childish lashing out. At one point Snooks even screamed that she hated Jenni. WAH. Luckily, this wasn't JWOWW's first rodeo, and she knew how to handle a tantrum-throwing best friend — by going after her boyfriend instead. And go after him she did. The poor girl ran all the frack over Florence calling out Jionni's name until she was as hoarse as The Situation after a night of drinking and chain-smoking. Jionni was nowhere and JWOWW's feet were bleeding (and black on the bottom from the point at which she finally decided to take off her shoes and run barefoot), so she packed up shop and headed home to comfort Snooki.
Predictably, the scorned Snooki was inconsolable, although Vinny managed to rather sweetly soothe her until she passed out. Jionni came home hours later to pack his bags and leave. After a whopping six hours in Florence. Did the couple even manage to smush?
The best part of this whole altercation? Sammi finally realizing what it was like to be on the other side of a SamRon fight. She stared in slack-jawed disbelief at the brutal argument unfolding and just kept repeating over and over again how terrible she felt. It seemed rather a difficult emotion for Sammi to process.
And thus, Snooki and Jionni's triumphant reunion ended with mascara smears, lost voices, and a profound lack of orgasms.
Things we're looking forward to from next week's preview (uh, besides the return of I Used to be Fat, which happened to sneak in a promo): Guess whose arms Snooki runs into for comfort? Vincenzo's! Stay tuned next week for the return of the most irresponsible FWB scenario we could possibly think of (besides, of course, Sammi and Ron).