Remember last week's mascara-stained event of a Jersey Shore episode? You know — the one in which Snooki yet again drank her weight in grain alcohol; drunkenly exposed her cooka, thereby mortifying and humiliating her uptight boyf, Jionni; and then proceeded to scream at, and alienate, her best friend, JWOWW?
Yes, well this week's drunken doozy (Season 4, Episode 9 "Three Men and a Snooki") picked up the morning after that little escapade, with Snooki waking up still clad in the two-cent, Flinstonian half-dress than had inspired Jionni's flight the night before. After unsuccessfully reaching her AWOL rage-a-thon boyfriend on his phone, and after unsuccessfully soliciting Bowwoww's help (after all, Snooks had treated her BFF like a verbal punching bag the previous night), Snooki did the only thing she knew how to do: she donned her Wookie-streetwalker boots, threw those twelve steps to the wind, and headed out to pound beers. Ah yes! Using alcohol to solve alcohol-related problems; always a stellar move.
Snooki arrived at her bar of choice (Astor), ordered a Corona, and then began to dance that slow, hypnotic fist-pump foxtrot that she's so famous for — a dance which eventually bled into this strange, pitiful, and very public monologue about the state of her increasingly disastrous life. As the other bar patrons watched this heart-wrenchingly pathetic soliloquy with abject horror, and as the daylight creeping into the drinking establishment reminded me that Snooki's alcohol-fueled meltdown was happening at an appallingly early hour in the afternoon, I couldn't help but think: either the producers have given Snooki some sort of bonus payment scheme for each time she acts like a feral pygmy chimp in public, or this young woman has become such an emotional trainwreck that she defies any natural laws of decency. Either way, the tea-time performance of Skank on a Hot Tin Roof that she performed was just...not something that healthy, well-rounded people do. Honestly, it was more Twin Peaks than Jersey Shore. It was sad, and distressing, and kind of made me want to invent a time machine so that I could turn back the clocks and save the little guidess from becoming the national laughingstock that she's become.
All of her theatrics quickly wore her out, however, and Snooki eventually hobbled her way back to the flat, where she called her father. Snooki explained the situation as best as she could, by screaming "He left me!" at the top of her lungs while her over-indulgent father patiently listened on the other end. The sound of Snooki's keening eventually roused a slumbering JWOWW, who quickly became the focus of Snooki's foghorn-like vocalizations. "I needed you!" Snooki brayed, completely forgetting the fact that, the night before, she had treated Jenni much like something one hastily flushes down the toilet after a night of regrettable binge drinking. Bowzer — who, for her part, is always a genuine, dogmatically faithful friend — decided to forgive and forget Snooki's previous outburts, and help her distressed pal.
Jenni eventually got Jionni on the phone and, after a considerable amount of begging, he agreed to speak with his estranged girlfriend. Snooki, a tiny ball of huffy meatball grunts and tears, ran to the phone and begged Jionni to see her. Jionni replied that he couldn't, that he was on a train bound for Rome. Heartbroken and enraged, Snooki threw the phone over to Bowwoww and started screaming "Fine, it's over!" — to which JWOWW deftly replied "No, you're not doing that right now, you're not being Sam right now, because in ten minutes you're gonna change your mind." Sammi Sweetheart, of course, was sitting all but three feet away, and the look on her face — a comical collision of knee-jerk anger and steadfast agreement — was priceless, especially for a card-carrying Sammi Sweatpants hater like myself.
With the phone still in her hand, Bowwoww begged Jionni to meet Snooki to talk things through; and after admitting that he hadn't yet departed for Rome, he eventually agreed to meet Snooki in front of Florence's train station. And as Snooki swiftly prepared herself to meet Jionni, Bowwoww continued to use the word "Sam" as a prodding pejorative, while Sam kept screaming "That's the old me!" Right.
Beer in hand (natch), our little meatball departed for the station; and when Snooki set eyes on her wayward boyfriend, she let out another one of her trademark breathy moans and ran over to him. Her huffy histrionics were all for nought, though, as Jionni confided that his mother had already changed his ticket for him to fly out of Italy later that day. Yes, that's right: HIS MOTHER DID IT FOR HIM. Of all the completely emasculating, dumpable offenses in the history of dating, having one's mother organize travel arrangements is definitely top on the list. Least. Sexy. Thing. Ever. Anyway, Jionni ended up saying that he was sorry, and that he had F-ed up; and after the pair eventually parted, Snooki walked home alone, collapsing in the foyer in a heap of hot-mess tears.
Vinny, meanwhile, was upstairs wearing a pair of purple pants. That's right, a pair of purple pants. Sam confided to us that she didn't know how to feel about said trousers, but I definitely know what to think about them: they're somewhere in between "Snooki's boozed-up bar monologue" and "another Ron and Sam argument" on my list of all-time least favorite things in the history of ever. Anyway, Pauly dared Purple Rain to put a large couch on top of Deena's bed because, well, why not? Vinny, always up for a friendly prank, took Pauly's challenge one step further, and ended up building an enormous furniture pyramid in the spot where Deena normally sleeps.
When Deena eventually stumbled upon her now ten-foot-high bed, she (thankfully) burst into a fit of cigarette-charred laughter. She eventually tracked down Vinny, who was now bathing; and surprisingly, Vin bolted from the shower stall, his hands strategically covering his oft spoken of modesty, and started bare-ass humping Deena, soaking her with the water from his body. And after the dramz-heavy Snooki horrors that had occupied the early part of the episode, this light-hearted, incredibly full-frontal display of absurdity was actually smile-inducing. Of course the whole thing was tinged with the faint hope that we'd finally be able to confirm or deny the mammoth size of what Snooki had so lovingly dubbed "Moby Dick"; but alas, that elusive white whale was kept neatly out of frame. And next, when Deena tried to take the couch off of her bed, she predictably toppled backwards — the couch pinning her tiny, dyspraxic body to the ground. Again, more well-welcomed laughs all around.
Later that night, the gang headed out to the club. Even Snooki, decked out her in her best Elvira drag, decided to blow off steam with some well deserved fist pumping. And as Snooki pranced around the house in her teeny-tiny club costume, post-production pixelating out her nether regions, a thought suddenly occurred to me: recently, almost every other shot in this show seemed to have been of Snooki's blurred-out crotch. Whether she's bent down, or falling over, or faux-strip dancing in a club — hell, even when she's sleeping: there's always something indecently exposed, something for the show's editing team to cover up. I mean, does Snooki never wear underwear? Or are we dealing with a case of perma-camel toe? Perhaps only she and MTV's production staff, may ever truly know — but one thing is for clear: pretty soon they're going to have to stop calling this show Jersey Shore, and start calling it Snooki's Blurred-Out Beave. Just, you know, food for thought.
Anyway! At the club, Snooki danced with a tragically over-tanned piece of quasi-gay Eurotrash. And by "danced with", I mean "sort of erotically strangled while people around her danced". Meanwhile, Deena confessed to Bowwow that she had had some ole fashioned Jersey Turnpiking before leaving for Italy, and that she many now be pregnant. It's also worth nothing that Deena said all of this while holding a large glass full of brightly colored alcohol; it's also worth noting that Deena always sounds like her lips are permanently attached to one side of an unfiltered, never-ending cigarette. So, yay for Deena being a responsible maybe-mother!
Despite the fact that this new baby dramz absolutely reeks of producer interference — you know, the same, foul reality-TV stench that we've been picking up all season — Jenni gladly escorted Deena to the nearest pharmacy, where she bought her friend a pregnancy test with all the cool and calm of a girl who definitely seems like she's done this before. And as Bowzer bought the preggo-kit, Deena uselessly wailed in the middle of the street, saying that this latest turn will embarrass her family. Hey Deena, you know what would be less embarrassing for them? DOING ALL OF THIS OFF-CAMERA. In the end, of course, Deena wasn't pregnant. Which, like, of course she wasn't pregnant. She was never going to be pregnant.
The next day, Snooki called Jionni, who was now back in the States. When asked why he left her, Jionni said that walking out was just something that he had to do. Snooki asked him if she was just supposed to accept this, to which J countered "So I have to accept the fact that my girlfriend was dancing like a f**king pig in front of me?" Which, like — WOAH. So there are lots of horrible, truly vile things that men call women; but somehow "pig", even more than the dreaded C-bomb, kind of seems like the worst one. Them's fightin' words, you know? Anyway, Snooki seemed to agree, because Jionni's graphic valuation of her dirty dancing pretty much ended with the tear-ravaged meatball slamming down the phone.
"I swear to god, if I went to Karma tonight I'd feel fine," Snooki then told herself, the homesickness for Seaside’s guido temple washing over her. And just then, a thought struck her: if the gang couldn't hop on a plane and hit up Karma, then they'd have to bring Karma over to Italy! Her plan was met with unanimous praise amongst her housemates; and while Pauly set up his DJ equipment in the living room, the gang gladly threw on their trashiest Seaside Heights gladrags.
Everyone was having a mindlessly good time in their makeshift Karma, until Mike started running his mouth off to Snooki in the interior courtyard. While the others looked on, he told Snook how he'd look after her, how'd give her whatever she wanted — how he loves her (yes, that noise you heard was the sound of me losing my breakfast, lunch, and dinner). Next, Mike brought up the fact that, during the whole Snooki/dirty-dancing showdown from a few nights back, Ronnie “encouraged” him to fight Jionni. Well! All of this was just too much to bear for war-ravaged little Snooki; and after confronting Ron, the littlest meatball huffed off to bed. And while Snooki sulked in her room, the already loathed Mike bragged to the rest of the house about how Snooki went downtown on his business back when they were in the States — an ill-timed accusation that further cemented his reputation as the house's biggest creep. Sensing the horror and hatred seething from his fellow housemates, Mike slinked off back to whatever snake hole he retires to at the end of every night.
While the rest of the gang prepared themselves for bed, an emotional Snooki roused herself from her tear-soaked pillow, snuck into the boys' room, and crawled into bed with Vinny. Deena, not wanting to miss an opportunity to have tandem sex next to her best friend (which, you know, is a totally normal, classy thing that all BFFs do), tried to hop into bed with Pauly for some down-and-out cuddling, but was brutally rebuffed. And as the credits began to roll, and as Snooki threw off her life vest and plunged into the icy waters in hot pursuit of Moby Dick, Pauly left us with these final words: "I see Snooki's head popping up for air. We all know what's going down." Indeed, Pauly D. Indeed.