This week's instalment of Jersey Shore Season 5, Episode 8: “Sharp Objects” was a trip through some sexual frustration for the ladies of the house. Roger passes up valuable time in the smush room with JWOWW in exchange for The Situation’s culinary stylings and Jionni falls asleep on Snooki, leading her to consider hooking up with Vinny. In the midst of all this frustration, Pauly D’s stalker continues to spend her time staring at him, and the gang goes fishing.
Snooki Can't Get No Satisfaction
Poor Nicole! She finally gets a guido she can call her own and he seems to be totally over her. As Vinny wisely said in his interview, any man that tries to change our Snooki is not going to work. Snooki herself called her relationship with Jionni unhealthy, but she still stays in it. After Jionni comes over for a night of clubbing, he gets too drunk, pukes, and passes out — all while acting like Snooki isn't even there. She calls him, complains about how horny she is, and he still won't indulge her in some dirty talk over the phone. It came as zero surprise when the episode ended with Vinny and Snooki getting drunk on the boardwalk with that eau de sexual tension punctuating their interactions.
Mike and Snooki also had another interesting conversation, with Mike saying he would be the one to object if Snooki were to marry Jionni. It's so clear Mike only wants her when he can't have her, and it's so infuriating on the behalf of women everywhere.
You Can Teach A Guido To Fish…
In what reeked of producer intervention, Deena Nicole and Sammi rouse the gang from their 12-hours-of-sleep-a-day schedule to go fishing. Mike somehow found the will to attend, but decided to catch up on tanning. As usual, Snooki and Deena decided to steal the scene and grabbed a raft to "row and fish" at the same time. Apparently they were in shark-infested territory and soon a huge crowd of folks began yelling at the girls to warn them. (Actually the crowd was trying to warn them of “sharp” objects in the water but, eh, whatever.) In their usual drunken stupor, they both ended up going overboard. Sammi interviewed that Snooki just couldn't let go of her "alcoholic beverage" in a tone that was so judgmental you'd think that only a few episodes ago, she wasn't drunkenly fighting with some random girl at Karma.
Her Name Was Lola / She Was A Meatball
The bunny costume returned this week after Snooki lost a bet with Mike. Snooki describes Lola as a "Vegas prostitute with fake boobs, fake vagina, fake butt" which meant she fit right in with the cast! She had to wear the costume at Karma for 10 minutes and soon, everyone in the cast took turns wearing the costume, which was the first time the cast appeared to have fun this whole season. Even Jenni was smiling!
Stop Playing With Our Emotions, MTV!
After we were promised the return of Angelina, this is yet another episode in which she was nowhere to be found. Instead, Pauly's stalker is once again given attention. Jenni is the only one who will confront her and her incessant staring while the gang works at the Shore Store. Vanessa mumbled a few words, claimed to have a boyfriend and went back to the usual starting from afar.
It looks like next week Mike will finally get The Unit to come out to meet him in order to "expose" Snooki's cheating, but judging from these past few episodes, they may push back this storyline again and have the cast do another painful group activity (will they go bungee jumping? Kayaking? Rock climbing?) since they have nothing else to show us.
Catch the macaroni rascals on a new episode of Jersey Shore on Thursday, March 1 at 10 p.m. ET/PT on MTV.
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