“I’m on the Jersey Shore, bitch.” - Snooki. Sorry, but we only get a few more times to repeat this, and it needs to be repeated. Possibly regularly.
Jersey Shore Season 6, Episode 12: “Raining Men & Meatballs” opens with JWOWW on the phone with Roger. She is swearing a lot because she’s gotten herself intertwined in the “Jionni is not around enough” story line. She’s wearing hot pink gym pants and she’s peeved at “the boys” for telling Jionni that she was talking sh*t. JWOWW is pissed, and that should be repeated. The boys, meanwhile, are calm. JWOWW decides to go right to the source: Jionni. She gives him the ring-a-ding-ding, and an over-the-phone confrontation happens. If this were a Diane Keaton movie, it would’ve needed to have happened in person. Over the phone — a cop-out. He says, “I love you,” before he hangs up. Um, thanks?
Everyone hangs around the house soberly in sweatpants. The Situation introduces the story line of him being a former stripper (at 22). Kinda gross; kinda into it. Massages were $10 and lap dances were $20, so wherever this was, it was a deal. Everyone insists he do the dance, and he giggles soberly and says he can’t. Meanwhile, his muscles look absolutely huge. Muscles are great, but let’s be honest, it’s time for Karma. KARMA! Clap your hands, ’cause it’s Karma!
Karma is happening! Paula is giving drama realness — and in skin-tight gold, no less — and she is in full on c*ck-block mode. Paula has a way of making these situations awkward to the maximum level possible, but if we were to occupy Paula’s brain for a few seconds, we, too, would be confused to by the back-and-forth signals of The Situation. “Girls hit on me a lot,” Mike proclaims. Paula drops it low. Can’t they just kiss and call it a night?
Mike declares that he cares about her more than anybody in the club, which is saying something cause it’s a big club. Paula declares that she’s only human. They should level with one another and make out, but instead Paula heads for the bar, and with the coast clear, Sitch heads in it to win it with another girl. JWOWW’s two cents: “Mike is being Sneaky Dickens.” Mr. Dickens has the eye of his pecker on Jennifer, a totally DTF chick he met at the bar. However, by night’s end, Jen is a bit too sloppy for Sitch, so he gives her a big wet kiss goodnight and sends her on her way.
Meanwhile, Pauly is going mad hard, backed up, and ready to get it in. He finds a DTF chick through the haze of the club, brings her back to the house, shows her the duck phone (why not?), and brings her right up the bedroom. Everyone does that totally creepy (but funny when on reality television) thing where they all listen in and provide commentary. Pauly and his girl hammer it out (literally), and then he offers that he might hit her up again. It’s hard to deny the wonder that is Pauly’s game: DJ by night, and then something dirtier way later in the night, right?
Snooki returns to the fold for a Meatball Day: Meatball Edition. We’re promised meatball tryouts and meatball olympics. But first she and Deena need to pick up some fun stuff from the dollar store for the winner, otherwise the competition might seem illegitimate. The rules: four shots without throwing up. Then you have to kiss. Then a body shot with an old man with a mustache. Etcetera. Etcetera. They walk around on the boardwalk, and blurred-out faces ensue in mass as random strangers start in on their shots. If nothing else is proved from this segment it’s that Snooki would make a kick-ass director, as she instructs random boardwalk babes — babes? — to do crazy tasks befitting of a meatball.
Meanwhile, Ronnie and Sammi go on a date. They want to spend some time together (lest we remind you that they live together). They throw out words in the confessional like “grown-up,” “connection,” and “comfort.” They talk about kids over Cokes and hot sauce. They decide to take this date to the next level and go mini-golfing. Then there’s a montage of them holding hands in various places along the boardwalk. Sammi calls it the most perfectest day ever.
The Meatball Day is a success, but Deena takes it to the next level and decides to bring the winners home, which proves less successful. Mike wakes up for this, and in a rare moment of bad judgment, decides to get fresh and take a shower. It’s the last weekend out, and Pauly is not thrilled to have these grenades tagging along to Merge. The Scottish Meatball makes a drunken joke, and everyone’s just the drunkest, so drunk agitation ensues as drunken meatballs meander about the house.
“Merge is off the chain,” says Pauly. “It’s a sick, amazing dance party,” confirms Sammi. “Deena’s so drunk, she could severely injure herself,” adds JWOWW. So that’s the update from Merge. At the end of the night, Mike brings a very drunk Deena into her bedroom. For a moment, it’s like, “Wait, are they gonna... ?” But then he puts the blanket over her and says goodnight and it’s unofficially cemented that Season 6 is the grown-up years. Mike pulls out some ice cream, the diets are put on pause, and everyone goes HAM for an ice cream sandwich.
Next day is Sunday dinner, and it’s not just any Sunday dinner, ’cause it’s the last one, like... ever. Sammi is going to cook, so hopefully somebody will join her in the kitchen. Deena comes in to uncork the wine, while Snooki applies more powder to her face. The fellas arrive back from their GTL, so it’s time to really cook up the feast. Everyone gathers ’round to enjoy The Last Supper. Mike promises mid-meal that if someone gets out some music, he’ll strip. Into it.
A chair is pulled into the middle of the living room. Handcuffs happen. And before you know it, JWOWW takes one for the team as she gets handcuffed to the chair in preparation for Mike’s striptease. He heads upstairs and throws on a white robe in preparation. There’re bubbles and flashlights and without further ado, Vito Dorado heads to the “stage” for his debut performance.
Vito arrives downstairs and throws a yellow sash around JWOWW’s neck. Her mouth opens wide as he rips his wife beater off and gives her Vito’s version of the business. Ronnie dubs Mike the worst stripper he’s ever seen in his life, which begs the question how many strippers Ronnie’s seen in his life. But now’s not the time for that. It’s time for a montage of laughter. Because Mike’s stripping. Because this is a family. Because through thick and thin, they’ve been through it. So go on, Vito/Mike/whatever you want to be called. Show us what you got.
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