This week’s Jersey Shore (Season 6, Episode 5: “Old Profession”) picks up where last week left off: Bamboo. If you forgot what happened last week, fear not, because MTV will replay the last couple minutes of last weeks episode as though it’s new again. The fight that came to a head last week rewinds a bit to the beginnings of the fight, and then comes to a head, yet again. And it’s an all out brawl. We see Roger Mathews push JWOWW once again, and it’s once again equal parts alarming and disturbing.
JWOWW rises up, dusts herself off, and shouts: “Who are you?” He’s Roger. “Who the f*** are you?” Still Roger there, Jenni, but I think I’m keen to what she’s really asking: “Did you just hit me?” He better check himself, boo, but first, he better calm down, because Roger is so mad, and though we have no idea why, we can only pray he calms down. JWOWW is wearing a pink tank and very high pink heels with a pink purse. The pants, leather, duh. It’s easy to evaluate Roger as more of a mean drunk than a fun drunk.
Roger, semi-belligerent, but hard to tell because Roger never seems fully there, breaks it down for his girl, JWOWW: You don’t get involved when boys are fighting. This makes sense, of course, but doesn’t add up to the very necessary excuse Roger needs to provide in order to right his wrong. JWOWW, who I almost want to call Jenni on a night like she’s having, declares that Roger doesn’t know his own strength. You would think and hope Whitney Houston’s “I Didn’t Know My Own Strength” would be playing in the background, and sadly, that’s not a thing. Instead, Roger tells Jenni that she deserved to be shoved. The six people left in Roger’s corner have run for the hills, cause by this point he’s a certified monster.
Jenni, successfully keeping her cool, gets into a cab with Deena Nicole and heads home. Deena, making her first foray into voice-of-reason territory, declares that she doesn’t think a man should put a hand on a woman. Amen. Ronnie, always annoyed with Jenni for butting into his business, decides to call Roger and get his side of the story. Roger, in true bro mode, says he feels controlled by Jenni. He’s too old for this shit. Jenni, meanwhile, curls up in her leopard print sheets and zebra print pillow and calls it a night.
It’s not until the nine minute mark that our beloved Snooki enters the episode and that’s a real travesty for the first eight minutes. Snooki graces the Shore house to find a limping Jenni who recounts the story with a twist: Now Roger threw her across the club. Is that how things went down? Not exactly. But JWOWW kept it together last night, so a break is granted on account of being thrown to the floor by her uncaring boyfriend. Did I mention this is not an episode Roger will look back and be like, “Those were the days”?
Snooki accompanies JWOWW to the doctor’s office to get an X-ray. The girls both wear a lot of prints to the doctor: More zebra, but this time tiger and camouflage pants. Snooki, frustrated by the attention on JWOWW, asks to have her height measured. She clocks in at sensible 4’8”, but is disheartened when the doctor tells her she’ll be 4’6” by the time she’s fifty. If only this doctor realized that Snooki is immortal.
Turns out, JWOWW’s got a navicular fracture. Who knows what this is, but it’s serious enough to have her put in a splint to immobilize her foot. Plus, she’ll need to go to an orthopedic surgeon. Roger is going to love this. The doctor fashions a custom splint and the girls on there way home. Doctor’s orders: No high-heeled shoes, which will prove a problem with JWOWWs extensive high-heeled boot collection. Maybe Sammi can borrow? Poor Sammi, she’s done nothing in this episode so far and that’s not going to change.
Time for a boy’s lunch. They’re eating salads while they discuss last night’s fight. Everyone sides with Roger and hates on JWOWW a bit, which really speaks to the bond of this family, but sarcastically. It’s interesting how much of a drama queen these guys peg JWOWW to be, as she’s arguably the most chill of all the ladies in the house. Vinny predicts she’ll come back with a cast. Little does he know what we, the audience, already know: B-b-b-bingo!
So JWOWW won’t be going to the club, the gym, or even walking down the boardwalk — everything she knows as a human being. I’m quoting her on that. Ronnie even declares that JWOWW’s name should be Carton because she’s always milking s***. While I won’t disagree with him on that, in more ways than one, Ronnie should mind his own business. JWOWW is getting angrier about things the more she marinates under her animal print sheets. She sucks on a lollipop while trying to figure out where her relationship stands. She’s pissed off. She’s shocked. Why did this have to happen? What flavor lollipop is that anyway?
No time to think, cause it’s time to go to Karma! JWOWW should be resting that ankle, but there’s no keeping this animal (print) in her cage. Uncle Nino will be joining and he’ll be wearing a suit. Uncle Sal will be there. Ryan, too. Even Chris. So many names, so few bells that they ring. They’re all good people, I’m sure. Mike puts on a black and white print vest (we saw this last week, too, right?), JWOWW is not going to let this cast ruin her summer, she’s wearing pink leopard print, while Snooki’s doing traditional leopard print. Everyone looks exactly as they should for a trip to Karma.
JWOWW cozies up in Uncle Nino’s lap while Snooki plays bar matron. Cut to Ronnie’s Irish step dancing. JWOWW falls over. Mike lifts up his shirt. It’s quintessential Jowsy Show minus Snooki’s pregnancy, Mike’s sobriety, and JWOWW’s flats.
Some guy (it’s always some guy) approaches Mike offering him a shot. This really pisses Mike off because he’s sober and tells the guy as much. Then the guy offers him a “water shot.” Who offers a guy a water shot? Mike declares that he’s ripped up like Rambo and can jump and kick like Van Damme. The guy runs for the hills. Mike, not knowing why he’s getting so heated, blames it on adjusting to going to the club without drinking. Exhausted by all the not fighting and not drinking, he comes home, calls his girl who’s not his girl Paula Pickard, and invites her over to snuggle and stuff. At 5:30 a.m. Paula arrives. She’s wearing low-riding jeans and a mic pack and it’s in this moment that Mike somehow realizes that she’s been there for him through thick and thin. I bet they do it right then and there (Note: This is confirmed moments later in the episode).
Deena, meanwhile, in an effort to be this season’s Snooki, gets home and wants to keep the party going. She kicks a ball around for a while until it deflates, goes into the confessional to prove her drunkenness, gets in the broken ball at one point, and even lays down some drunk poetry. Her antics continue into the morning as Deena wakes up, decides not to brush her hair, and sashays down the boardwalk for a solo meatball day. She wants to have a no-rules, good time kinda day. She finds some random girls to have shots with and tries to get them to audition to be meatballs but they’re so busy not caring that they don’t care at all and ignore her. Deena would be sad, but she’s too drunk. Basically, nobody cares about anything... but booze.
Back at the house, Mike wakes up to find a delivery from Paula. She sends him chocolate covered strawberries and chocolate covered bananas. Mike might have to ask her out. Paula, if you’re listening, get this guy some chocolate covered pretzels and he’ll propose, I assure you. The gesture is cute and Paula is cute and we’re all rooting for them because it keeps everything cute. There’s something redeeming about Sich that makes you can’t help but root for the guy.
Meanwhile, the antithesis of cute, Deena, is bombed. She’s on top of the bar, having the time of her life, until the time of her life passes her by, and we’re in for another breakdown. This meatball is a mess, all alone, and without a companion. You want to try and feel sad, but there’s no time because Deena is on the go, stumbling about, hugging mirrors, loving being herself, playing with basketballs on the boardwalk, and then upgrading to a large blue bouncy ball she “wins”.
Deena shows up at the t-shirt store, falls over, and then is gifted Steve to escort her to the liquor store. Who Steve is or why Boss Man Danny would give him to Deena is a mystery unworthy of being solved. Back at another boardwalk bar, Sammi and Ronnie show up to provide confessional fodder, and Deena, in an attempt to break her own record, falls over yet again. Her drunken antics take her to the streets where she begins dancing and running through traffic. The police stop her and arrest her. She starts crying like someone who’s day wasted and just got arrested. Deena’s going to jail! Find out next week if Deena will get a slap on the wrist or a life sentence! Spoiler: It’s the former.
Catch the next new episode of Jersey Shore on Thursday, October 25 at 10 p.m. ET/PT on MTV.
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