The loose strings from last week are a joke by episode’s end, as Episode 6 (“A Virgin Summer”) sets out to take those strings and tighten them into hefty knots. You remember Mike’s current situation: He’s really into Paula, but hasn’t had a girl on the reg in forever, so he’s not sure he wants to get wifed up. Initial reservations aside, he hatches a plan to ask her out in a “really cool way.”
“Bro, Rivoli’s?” Vinny asks.
“Bro, it’s one of the nicer restaurants,” Mike says.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa, that’s serious — talking her to Rivolis,” comments the muscle that is Pauly D.
Looks like we’re heading to Rivoli’s.
But first, hello, it’s Sunday, so the fellas hit up a sporting good store to find some activities for after dinner. Mike forgets Paula (for just a second), eyeballing a serious stroller that would be seriously great for Snooki. Vinny views it as a way to win Snooki’s forgiveness, something Mike’s path to redemption is in need of. Stroller: purchased.
Hold that thought though, ’cause Deena got arrested last time we checked in with her, and everyone seems too drunk to react so they put on more makeup and try to hatch the beginnings of a plan. Snooki, playing the role of Responsible Adult, feels like a mom getting her “degenerate child out of jail.” Snooki’s vocabulary, like her clothing, continues to wow all.
Snooki puts on some killer optics, and they park in the customer parking lot to discover Joanne, Deena’s mom, with a Coach bag clutched at her high-waisted pants. Looks like D called Ma and Da for this one, so her roommates are off to prepare Sunday dinner. Soon after, Deena arrives back at the house with her parents for a post-incarceration check-in. Deena’s mom considers this cake compared to county lock-up; the expression on her face tells us she knows this from experience.
Once everyone’s back at the house, it’s time to get the facts straight: What was jail like? Did Deena get a tattoo? She didn’t, but she does receive a card from Snooki and Ronnie that reads: “Congratulations, you did it, you’re officially a meatball. You’ve graduated by getting arrested, dumbass.” And it’s true, Deena has officially assumed the role of Snooki of Seasons Past. From the abyss: “I can make some bangin’ chicken and steak,” Sammi declares. Nobody responds.
Meanwhile, Snooki starts getting hot flashes and asks for the air to be put on. Don’t judge her, she says as she ices her chest with frozen food. Mike, stroller at the ready, is trying to get Nicole — that’s what he calls Snooki — onto the roof, but Snooki, boobies iced, isn’t looking for that to be a thing. However, Snooki’s determination to not be the pregnant girl who hates life trumps her dislike of Mike, and she rises to the roof to discover Mike’s surprise.
With a very crooked smile, Snooki concedes that she’ll be able to fit wine into the stroller. Although she’ll always be annoyed with Mike, she is entertained and genuinely charmed by his efforts. She’ll continue on in the role of hard to get but knows they’ll reconcile eventually.
Family dinner happens, but the real dinner is served when Morgan, the girl who flashed her cleavage a couple episodes back, shows up on the boardwalk desperate to show off some more. According to Vinny, her boobs are like a Tempur-Pedic mattress. Here’s hoping Morgan isn’t a one-trick pony.
JWOWW has pink nails and feels like she can’t make Roger apologize or see anything according to her side. It’s been two days since the push at the club, and for all she knows he could be so pissed off that he’s packing up and moving out. While contemplating such extremes, JWOWW heads to her orthopedic surgeon appointment, where the doctor gives her a firm handshake and asks about what went down at Bamboo. A couple pokes and prods later, the doctor tells her it’s not a fracture and she won’t need a cast.
Snooki thought she would have a crippled friend, how cute, but turns out, sorry boo, Snooki’s still pregnant and JWOWW can go back to enjoying Seaside with two legs. Snooki is obviously sad that they won’t be able to enjoy rocking out in a wheelchair together.
Mike has a shirt made at work that says LET’S MAKE IT OFFICIAL and decides to present it to Paula. Boss Man Danny makes it so the back says I LIKE MEN. This joke, however, never gets fully realized, which we’d like to declare a missed opportunity. So everyone goes to dinner at Rivoli’s, but Mike and Paula sit alone. Though it’s a separate table, they’re, like, eight feet away from everyone else. He starts off the evening by asking her how her day was. She had a nail appointment then came home and napped and relaxed.
She reveals that she’s been at the tanning salon for six years. Minutes-cut-into-seconds later, Mike opens his button-up to reveal the LET’S MAKE IT OFFICIAL shirt he’s wearing underneath. Ronnie can’t believe Paula can read, which we have to give credit to Ronnie for pointing out. Pretty funny, Ron-Ron. Mike recites the words on the shirt aloud for Paula. She thinks it’s the best; the roommates applaud; and hearts break across the nation (according to Sitch... and no one else). Vinny says they’re perfect for each other because they’re both space cadets who say the stupidest s--t ever and have the attention span of a goldfish. Sounds about right.
Paula chooses this as the time to declare her desire for a kids, marriage, a relationship, a puppy, and a house. She tells him she can see him changing diapers and then does a hand gesture similar to milking a cow. Cringe. Once back at the house and into Mike’s sweatpants, she tells her now-reluctant beau that she wants the smoosh room for some sex on the reg (her words), because she’s a f---ing animal in heat (her words still, we swear).
In one of the most shocking outfits we’ve seen all season, Sammi puts green Post-it notes along her arm and asks the roommates what they think. The verdict is silence. Meanwhile, it’s the fourth day since JWOWW’s fight with Roger. She’s emotionally drained — assuming the worst and not getting any sleep. What’s he thinking? Why isn’t he calling her? Girl needs answers that the automated voice message system isn’t giving her. Still, she leaves a raspy-voiced message saying she loves him. A blank space of nothingness ensues.
JWOWW starts crying in a neon yellow sweatshirt. The girls gather in the bedroom to try and talk JWOWW off the Jersey ledge. Then the boys enter, and Vinny likens her latest fight with Roger to the straw that broke the camel’s back, which — surprise, surprise — doesn’t help matters. Sammi declares that Jenni is now freaking out, and Ronnie tells JWOWW to let Roger calm down. Sammi tries to make it about her and Ron, and JWOWW, representing us viewers, could not care less.
JWOWW rises up like Rocky, picks up the duck phone, and calls Rog. Roger, reprising the role of the asshole, verbally attacks JWOWW. He’s not sorry; is this it for them? We’ll have to hold out until next Thursday to find out.
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