Credit: MTV

Let’s begin by taking a moment to send our heartfelt prayers to those along the Jersey Shore and anywhere else affected by Hurricane Sandy.

If you’re just tuning in, Deena is a meatball, and this meatball likes to drink the sauce. Just ask her. We pick up where things left off last week, and that’s in a haze, as the final act of Deena’s outburst commences. Gather ’round, house, because the remains of Deena’s drunken demons are coming out to party. She really just wants people to understand how she feels, leading the housemates to speculate whether this is a result of the alcohol or Deena’s usual brand of crazy. Pauly waxes sexy poetics, musing that Deena’s real problem lies in her ability to pace herself. Preach, Pauly.

But there’s no stopping her now. Deena begins hyperventilating: She’s stuffed up and phaclempt and ready to dish for those ready to listen. Up to bat first is Vinny, who pulls the “I’ve been where you’ve been” card, but to little success. The “Will Deena go home?” question comes up as Vinny explains to us that Deena is drinking so that she doesn’t have to deal with real life. Ya think?

Credit: MTV

As her rant comes to a slow and bumpy temporary conclusion, Deena’s parents call in, preparing us for the inevitable second wind. They’re concerned, as they should be, and Ronnie does his best to convince them that everything is fine and they don’t need to come out. But they’re already in the hatchback, so they arrive with a chicken ceasar wrap and an entire cheesecake in hand. Typically this would be the rainbow after the storm, but Deena’s drunk is transitioning to angry defensiveness, and she pleads that she’s drinking to have a good time. There’s a baby stroller in the background as Deena’s mom suggests to her daughter that she see a psychologist.

Enough of Deena, because Karma is banging at the door. Time to get crazy on camera and be all like, “How did that even happen?” Mike’s wearing an Armani Exchange hat backwards and the ladies are all about it. He’s in a touchy-feely-gropey mood, so step right up, gals, because he won’t disappoint. Suddenly, his shirt opens, and some girl is licking his fingers. JWOWW looks on disapprovingly as Mr. “sneaky dickens” Mike satiates his appetite for sketchy club behavior. Paula, this might be the episode you don’t want to watch.  

Credit: MTV

Meanwhile, “celibate” Vinny is looking to find the girl to win his golden ticket. Believe it: He finds her at Karma. However, the girl he chooses the same girl who was grinding her ass up on him at Karma may be all about the grind, but isn’t so keen to seal the deal later at the house. Vinny’s attempted lapse in celibacy is a total bust. Pauly, meanwhile, in true Pauly meanwhile form, gets it in.

Next morning, hopefully showered, the boys head off to the grocery store to prepare accoutrements for a family barbecue. Snooki finally appears in the episode (this time at the 21-minute mark) and, a bit gassy, lets out the first of many burps. Worth the wait. A few proverbial jokes about hot dogs provide the perfect transition into who brought what home last night. Time to take some shots at Mike about his fun at Karma. He admits that he’s not ready for the L word. And we’re not talking about the Showtime series. The amount of shit-talking about Mike in the confessional has reached a series high, as everyone is keen to chirp about his bro-ish ways.

After dinner, deprived of attention, Deena decides to bring it back to Deena. Sammi’s going to be honest because she can’t keep her mouth shut (her words) and Deena’s her best friend (this is news to you too, right?). Sammi calls this diarrhea of the mouth (again, her words), choosing this moment to tell Deena that her repetitive drunkenness is a lot. Deena does not seize this as an opportunity to bring up Sammi’s repetitive getting back with Ronnie; Deena just wants people to leave her alone. Sammi decides to break it down, admits she’s not perfect, and tries to talk some sense into Deena. Deena takes it to the confessional to call Sammi’s bullshit.

Not to take sides, but Sammi should really just go to bed and mind her own business. Deena should go to bed, too. Everyone just needs to go to bed.

The next morning is a ladies work day, and Snooki, JWOWW, and Sammi head off late to the Shore Store. JWOWW cooks up a plot that if she can sell shot glasses, she can get out of work early. Shockingly but not, the store fills up fast, and the shot glasses sell out. Come to work late, leave early; it’s a good life. The ladies book it to the arcade so Snooki can steal a stuffed leopard in an attempt to recapture the good old days. Thankfully, she’s not arrested in the process. Nostalgia ensues. Ah, the good old days.

Credit: MTV

Back at the house, Deena’s boyfriend Chris arrives, she asks him if he feels smothered, and he picks at his ears and agrees to let her know if/when things get out of control. They really need a code word or a signal if the club is super loud. Paula shows up so preparation can begin for Mike and Deena’s big double date. It’s a day date, nothing crazy — just dinner and some margs at Spicy’s. Paula, big white bow in her hair, embarrasses Mike while Chris feeds Deena Mexican food.

Deena, fresh off a plate of enchiladas, smokes a cigarette on the patio as she offers relationship wisdom to Paula. The dynamic foursome then heads to the boardwalk to ride some rides, and Paula continues to relentlessly irritate Sitch. Back at the house, Paula is at it again, and you can see Mike formulating the breakup strategy in his head. Thank God this serves as a transition for Snooki to talk about her love of the shocker. If you need a moment to Google the shocker, we grant you two.

We are not granted much access to the Paula that the roommates describe  the perfect counterpart to Mike. A by-product of editing, Paula is in no mood to be quiet or chill. Mike tells Paula to sit and smile, frustrated by her lack of filter. Everyone is shocked by mean Mike, except for anyone who’s seen him in a Karma fight. The least excited “Cabs are here!” is practically whispered over the awkwardness, and everyone heads out, minus Snooki, Ronnie, and Sammi, who decide to stay back and analyze Sitch’s sitch.

At the club, things get even more tense as Mike appears increasingly distant from Paula. Go figure. No bother, ’cause an old lady meatball moves her way onto the dance floor, Jersey Turnpiking on Deena. She then starts a gymnastics act on the dance floor, igniting cheers of admiration. She’s no Gabby Douglas, but this woman deserves a hug, and she gets many. She also will need someone to call her a cab later. JWOWW, are you up for it?

Credit: MTV

Back at the house, Paula shows off her ass pads, evoking Miranda’s fake nipples from Sex and the City. Vinny decides to try them on while Paula describes all of the crazy sex acts she knows of... or has tried... or both. She’s adorable, endearing, and somewhat informative, but probably not the best girl to bring home to Ma. She concludes her lesson with “carpet sniffing,” which might also be described as Mike’s breaking point. He rushes up to bed solo, Paula runs after him, and before you know it, they’re snuggled up. Guess she wasn’t that annoying.

We want more Snooki!

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