Credit: MTV

The episode begins with a phone call from Mike’s very lovely and awesome baby sister Melissa. He calls her for a hello veiled with an agenda to bitch about Paula. Mike reveals that he wants a girl just like his sister or his mother and claims he can’t take this relationship anymore. He wants to Gym, Tan, Break Up With His Girl. And if you’re just tuning in, he and Paula have been on and off for over three years now.

Since Mike asked Paula out with some writing on a t-shirt, the boys plot to have him break up with her via another t-shirt. This time it’s going to be a “Let’s Make It Unofficial” t-shirt. Mike wants to execute this whole thing smoothly so that he can still hit it. His words. He claims that Paula has changed. We might remind him that he, too ahem, sobriety has changed. Still, he’s in his bro mode and continues blabbering on that if you’re going to act like one of the boys, he’s not going to want to hit that.

Credit: MTV

Mike and Deena leave the rest of the group behind on the beach so that they can have a heart-to-heart. Mike drinks a Red Bull while Deena drinks a new cocktail that has her not cry one single moment in the episode. Deena, devoid of any tears, suggests that Mike end his relationship with Paula, but maintain a friendship. He says he’s better looking, more ripped, and better dressed than he was four summers ago. That has nothing to do with her suggestion, Sitch, but fair enough, you look good.

The entire gang heads out to The Beach Bar, a joke of a substitute for Karma. Everyone sits around the table and talks about Mike’s sobriety. A toast to the last toast where we toasted Mike’s sobriety. And so the topic turns to what seems like potential for a multi-episode arc: the restoration of Mike and Snooki’s relationship. Can the king and queen of Jersey Shore mend fences?

Meanwhile, back at the house, Snooki looking like she will pop at any moment is hanging out with JWOWW. One of the great offerings that this show has brought us through the years is the authentic and, let’s be honest, adorable friendship that is Snooki & JWOWW. The unlikely (but sort of totally likely when you think about it) duo have an undeniable affection for one another that has resonated with many of the show’s fans. Plus, they get into some crazy sh-t.

The other roomies arrive home, and it’s time to just chill out on that couch we all know and love and secretly wish we could sit on. The question comes up as to whether Mike and Vinny will be invited to Snooki’s big wedding. Snooki says that it’s a matter of Vinny and Jionni making amends. Speaking of things that will not be amended, Snooki reveals that Mike doesn’t even exist to her. The Queen has spoken.

Credit: MTV

Snooki refuses to move past the fact that Mike tried to break up her relationship with Jionni while also humiliating her beau. It’s never been confirmed who the true liar was in the whole Snooki/Mike sexcapade debacle: Mike claimed that his friend was in the other bed doing some business with Ryder (Yoooooooooo, Ryder) when this whole thing went down, but Snooki’s ardent denial of any such activity ultimately put an end to the debate. Which kinda made her look more guilty, and yet, somehow, she came off being the Batman to Sitch’s Joker.

Snooki has a pain in her side and wants to call the doctor, but he ain’t in yet. Snooki decides she’s over work so she prances off down the boardwalk with JWOWW and a teddy bear in tow.  She feels like she can’t talk to anyone in the house about her pregnant sh-t, and chooses this moment for a big heart-to-heart her with BFFL. She wishes the rest of the house could be pregnant so that everyone could go through what she’s going through.

Snooki says she’s not waiting for an apology… that is until she’s in the confessional, blaming him for not apologizing. We are talking about Snooki, the girl who, later in the episode, adopts a balloon penguin and names it Jumanji. With her oversized leopard-print purse, she walks around the boardwalk with her new inflated meatball floating creepily at her side. This is the girl who even brings Jumanji on the ferris wheel with her. Sober Snooki’s attempts at reclaiming Sloshed Snooki are mildly amusing, but they fall short of the glory days.

JWOWW cooks up a plot to throw Nicole a shore shower at Rivoli’s. That Rivoli’s rigatoni must pack a punch for all the visits the cast has made there. So JWOWW calls Jionni to invite him, but is all like, don’t you dare tell her, and he’s all like, of course I would never tell her. The girls decide to do Snooki a solid and get her some real baby gifts. A trip to Childrenswear (one word, yup) is on the agenda so the ladies can pick up toys for little baby Lorenzo. Have you seen pictures of him, by the way? ’Cause he’s adorable.

Credit: MTV

Paula calls (’cause she’s always calling), starts it off casual, and then swings into confrontation mode by telling Mike that if he has something to say, he should say what’s up… to her face. She’s frustrated, rightfully so, that she’s had to hear whispers from co-workers about him wanting to break up with her. He might not be a synonym for compassion, but The Situation is very clearly caught off guard by Paula’s waterworks and commits to seeing her later on that evening. Gotta be later, ’cause Paula’s got her day shift at Simply Sun, y’all.

We’re clued into a brief moment of Snooki and Deena playing around on the electric scooter. Suddenly the cops appear. Apparently it’s against the law to have two people ride on the scooter. Nobody is arrested and the randomness of the entire clip makes you wonder what the bleep just happened. We’re gonna miss this show.

The gang of guido goons (Vinny’s words) head over to the tanning salon to watch Mike break up with Paula. Vinny’s wearing high-tops and sucking on a lollipop while he and Pauly wait for the “movie” to begin. Ronnie’s there, too. And random cuts to JWOWW applying self-tanner… at the tanning salon.

Credit: MTV

Paula’s wearing a lovely white sun dress, apologizes for being emotional earlier, and leans in close to Mike as things start to get real. She’s a completely different Paula from the Paula from the night she was all nuts. He uses the “things are moving too quick” card and asks that they ease up. “Can we go back to the way were?” he asks. They kiss and break up. “Was that even a break up?” Ronnie asks. Verdict: No verdict.

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