The Vice Presidential debate was on tonight, but who cares, really, when it’s up against an all-new Jersey Shore double-header? First, let’s take a moment to zoom out of the world of Seaside and take a glance at the mother ship MTV, who adorned its signature logo with rainbow print in solidarity with National Coming Out Day. Very cool, MTV.
We open with Snooki packing up her stuff as JWOWW looks on, plotting to take over the extra closet space she’ll now have for all her boots. Snooki and her killer luggage say ciao to the house, and she heads next door to her grandma shack. The place, like Snooks, might be tiny, but it feels oddly homey, and is the perfect pregnancy retreat for America’s favorite meatball.
As a rainy montage subsides, it’s time for Mike to go to the doctor and get a shot. He feigns trepidation: Should he or shouldn’t he? It’s quite obvious, with this new Mike, he knows he should. Mike has a heavier stride in his step; he’s less erratic, but equally irritable. It’s clear that whatever tipping point was reached has shaken him and those who love him. Mike’s sister Melissa calls urging him to get the shot, reminding him of everything he’s conquered up until now and how important it is that this never happen again.
Goodbye, Melissa, and hello, Chris. Deena, in her usual frantic but loveable way, decides to call Chris, her boyfriend whom she, like, really, really likes, maybe even loves. She invites him to come over, get dinner, sleep over, and cuddle. He thinks this sounds good, and Deena beams as the pangs of young love course through. She’s never cared about anybody like she’s cared about Chris. It’s like middle school. Deena getting ready for her date (without a mirror, mind you) is like her preparation for prom, but like a middle school prom. Snooki feels like a fat meatball whale as she watches Deena get ready for her big date, but Deena doesn’t bother to listen because she’s too busy naming the children she’s hoping to conceive later that evening during the cuddlefest.
If Jersey Shore were Mob Wives, this might be a good time for Deena to pull a Renee and head to the therapist’s office for a little check-in. You see, Deena’s playing this one very dangerously. She’s all “I love you, I love you, I love you,” and won’t even wait a beat before, “Do you love me?” Crazy enough, Chris doesn’t seem to mind. Nor does he seem to mind Deena trying to coerce him into admitting that he likes when she farts. Gross. They head back to the house, and Deena drags Chris into the confessional so they can dish about their date. They’re not only dating, they’re best friends — and this is what couples who are best friends do when appearing on a reality show, duh.
Outside the confessional, Paula is brought back into the picture. Tanning salon worker by day, apple of Mike’s eye at night, Paula comes to the house ready to get her coy flirt on. We’ll hand it to Paula: Girl knows how to hold her own with the roommates. When JWOWW pries into her personal life, asking whether they’ve made things “Facebook official,” Paula simply smiles as though JWOWW is something she’ll deal with later. Oh no she di’in’t!
The next morning everyone’s groggy from all the lying around the night before. Having not received her cuddle quota, Deena is desperate to get as many last-minute kisses from Chris as possible. To that end, she keeps pulling him back for more as he attempts to near the door.
As soon as he’s out the door (at last), Deena feels sick and vomits. What we thought was going to be a “Is Deena pregnant?” subplot turns out to be a TSS (Toxic Shock Syndrome) PSA. JWOWW lets Deena know that her seventh grade teacher passed away from TSS, which Deena dismisses because it has nothing to do with her. With Chris gone, Deena is ready to muster another breakdown, so she calls her mom to whine about what it’s like to have never had feelings like this before. Her mom actually seems really sweet and gives her that good motherly advice of, “Hang in there, champ.”
Jionni’s back, ladies! This time, he’s taking Snooks to Steaks Unlimited, which you’ll remember from the previous episode as one of the many sites of a Deena breakdown. It’s hard to deny their adorableness as a couple, especially when Snooki reveals the hugeness that are her areolas — and Jionni merely smiles and thinks about the things he’s going to do to her later.
We wind up at a karaoke bar, or quite possibly a bar that JWOWW brought a karaoke machine into. JWOWW suggests Mike sing Amy Winehouse’s “Rehab,” ’cause, get it, Mike was in rehab and the song’s about… Yeah. Is it too soon? everyone wonders. Absolutely not. He sounds like a rejected contestant from the early seasons of American Idol, which is to say, good television.
The episode ends with Mike on the upswing. He got his shot from the doctor, loving advice from his sister, and his girl Paula is really digging him. He might have given a whole lot of attitude earlier in the day at the Shore Store, but he ain’t down for the count. He’ll sing “Rehab” and everyone will laugh and it will be therapeutic. He got through the fire. A big group laugh builds as the episode ends with Amy Winehouse taking over on vocals. Which thankfully, contains no twisted irony.
But there’s more!
The next day, Jionni and Snooks return to Snooki’s grandma cave to find the dudes (sans Situation) sitting on the front porch. Vinny continues to be a dick to Jionni by ignoring him entirely, which reminds us of an argument we had in fifth grade when someone cut us in line at the cafeteria and we were all like, “I’m not talking to this person anymore, I’m going to ignore them.” Speaking of food, Snooki’s pear salad looked incredible.
Signature Jersey Shore alert: Some slut is slutting it up on the boardwalk, and as Pauly and Vinny look down at her, she decides to flash her boobies. They go downstairs thinking nobody will believe this. Everyone does, and they all head up to witness this amazingness for themselves (well, everyone except for Sammi, who’s a Sweetheart). This time, they request some vagina, and the girl pulls down her pants almost instantaneously, right there on the boardwalk. The boys tell her to come meet them outside the apartment. She shows up and we get to know her a little, finding out that A) she parties for a living, B) she likes Italian guys, and C) she’ll take them both at the same time. She’s putting it all out there, if you will. She will.
She has a friend with her in a neon yellow sweatshirt holding stuffed animal. Not once is she acknowledged. This shout-out is for her.
Then it’s back to the couch, as Vinny reveals to everyone the true reason for his celibacy: this awesome girl he met right before coming out for the summer. We learn a little more about her, and we’re left wondering if she’ll be making an appearance later on in the season. DJ Pauly D is now the only single person in the house.
The next day, JWOWW can’t come to the phone ’cause she’s being all adorable and shopping for Roger’s surprise birthday party at Jimbo’s. JWOWW reveals that she spent two days planning this party. Who’s there? Like, 10 people, mostly roommates. What did she plan? Oh, ya know, there’s balloons and those little birthday hats, and even though the restaurant went ahead and set everything up, she still had to wrangle everyone. It’s tough to be JWOWW.
Roger, the poor guy, shows up an hour and a half late, and JWOWW — who probably at that moment wants to be called Jenni, that is how much she’s not playing around — is not happy. Suddenly Roger’s birthday becomes all about JWOWW, and she gives him the cold (albeit bare) shoulder. One drink later, she warms up and he decides to stay a bit later. They have one of those relationships.
To channel Snooki’s noticeable absence, the girls put balloons up their shirts and pretend to be pregnant. Boss Danny is seen in the background drinking inconspicuously. Deena takes this moment to reveal what we were all wondering: It must be hard to Jersey Turnpike while pregnant. This night ends with a big blue ball being rolled along the boardwalk and Deena, buttox tan lines intact, falling over.
Next day at the Shore Store, the Situation/Snooki saga continues it’s bitter cold war. Prediction: By season’s end, if not way sooner, like maybe two episodes from now, Mike and Snooki will have a reckoning and love will persevere. Not helping our prediction is Snooki telling Mike that she was always there for him and him replying that he was there for her too, from time to time.
Before long, another sunset, and if Karma was the spot last week, tonight it’s Bamboo, for what is sure to be a wild time. Some random guy comes over to Mike blubbering about how they met and how Mike should call him. Everyone tells him to have a good night and get lost. He reappears, as these guys tend to do. This time he’s claiming he went to high school with Mike and that they’re Facebook friends.
Ryan from The Pauly D Project appears out of nowhere and throws the guy across the room directly into the hands of a bouncer. All of the sudden, a crazy fight breaks out. Chaotic b-roll from past fights on The Real World is looped in to amp up the hugeness of the brawl, the biggest Seaside has seen... at least according to Sammi. Roger, clearly very mad, pushes JWOWW, who falls to the ground as the chaos continues to erupt. Will JWOWW survive the fall? Will this end things with her and Roger? (Spoiler alert: They’re engaged.) Is Bamboo worth the trip? Find out next week!
Catch the next new episode of Jersey Shore on Thursday, October 18 at 10 p.m. ET/PT on MTV.
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